Hey there, 2012

2012 is just around the corner. Maybe it will be the end of the world as we know it (thank you, REM). I certainly hope not, because I've got a lot of living left to do (credit - that country song I am too lazy to look up).

Obviously 2011 was a big year for us. We grew to a family of three, and I don't think you need me to re-hash all the ways that changed our lives. It was challenging and amazing all at the same time. I can't believe this time next year my baby will be walking and talking(ish).

I have only two resolutions that I am committed to. Sure, I have other things I would like to work on (a laundry list of them really) but here are two that I am insisting I will acheive:

1. Get Amelia sleeping in her crib. I've been lazy about this thus far. I tried one night and she was mad and I caved and brought her back to her Rock n Play in our room. I was going to try again, but then I was tired... and she had a cold... and got her shots... and it was Christmas. I really need to commit to getting her in the room that I so painstakingly decorated before she was born!

2. Connect with more mommy friends in real life (IRL). I have connected with some amazing women online in the past year and I am so thankful for their wisdom and friendship. But my real-life friendships are scant, and I have very few mommy friends. I recently had lunch with a couple of girls from high school, one who has a 10-month-old and one who is due in June, and I thought how nice it would be to get together more frequently. I have been invited to a mommy group that I have been unable to attend thus far due to my work schedule, but I want to make an effort to connect with local mommies somehow. I think this may get easier as it gets warmer in the spring and Amelia gets older, but I want to make this happen!

That's it. Those goals seem attainable, right? Perhaps not so attainable - staying awake until midnight to ring in the New Year. We'll see how that ones goes.

To all of my e-friends, I wish you a wonderful 2012. Those with new babies, may they grow happy and healthy in the coming year. For those still waiting on their miracles, I hope 2012 is your year, sooner rather than later.

A change in plans?

My last post about my BFP "anniversary" resulted in a lot of reflection and looking ahead for me. I always said I wanted three children, though I was pretty sure we would end up with two. After the rough first weeks we had with Amelia, I wasn't sure I could do it again. I joked that she was making a good case for being an only child. People told me I would change my mind, that I would forget it all. But four months in, I haven't, and I wonder what that means for our family going forward.

I love my sweet baby girl more than I ever thought possible. But motherhood has been a challenge for me. It is really, really hard for me to admit that. I have always wanted to be a mother. I love babies and kids, and I knew I wanted to be a mom - maybe more than anything else I've wanted in my life. When I finally saw those two pink lines, I was beyond thrilled. My dream was coming true and the anticipation of waiting for that sweet baby was like waiting for the ultimate Christmas gift. I had plans of all the things I would do, the pictures I would take, where she would sleep, the cute outfits she'd wear, how I would enjoy my maternity leave being at home with her. And then she arrived and all of my plans went out the window.

My child didn't sleep anywhere but on my chest. My maternity leave was spent in a haze of sleeplessness (I frequently told C that I was so tired I thought I might literally die). I didn't blog or take cute staged photos because she was always crying and needing me to hold her 24/7 (at times I was pretty sure there were more than 24 hours in a day). I didn't care for breastfeeding. She lived in sleepers because it was just easier that way. I cried, I fought with my husband, and I wondered what the hell I had gotten myself into. I was frustrated more often than not.

I realize some of those emotions aren't uncommon for new moms. But when I think about having another child (God willing) it causes unspeakable anxiety for me. Could I do it all again? How in the world could I handle another baby in addition to tending to the little one I already have?

And then there are the selfish thoughts that lie deep inside, that I almost fear saying out loud: I miss my life. I miss being able to get up and go. I am happy to be able to drink coffee and beer and not be uncomfortable just sitting in a chair like I was at the end of my pregnacy. As Amelia gets older, I know these things will get easier, and I'm not sure I can imagine regressing back to it all.

And then I feel like a horrible person for having these thoughts. Because I have so many e-friends (and one in real life) who want a baby more than anything in the world and are struggling to get there. I know I am so, SO blessed to have my baby girl and I don't want anyone to think for one second that I am ungrateful for that blessing. I love her so much my heart aches when I'm not with her. Her smiles are flat-out the best thing in my life. And I want my awesome daughter to have siblings. I want to be a good mom.

It's just that this thing that I've wanted for so long, this mommyhood gig ...it's different than I expected. I'm facing emotions I never dreamed I would face, and they lead me to wonder if I will in fact have an only child. I guess time will tell.

"I don't know how long I can do this, he said. I think the universe has different plans for me & we sat there in silence & I thought to myself that this is the thing we all come to & this is the thing we all fight & if we are lucky enough to lose, our lives become beautiful with mystery again & I sat there silent because that is not something that can be said." ~storypeople.com, "Different Plans"

One year ago today...

...we found out our lives were going to change forever via two little pink lines.

For fun reminiscing purposes (perhaps more fun for me than you):

My blog post

BFP post from TB