I'm just going to lay it out there for the blogosphere and myself - I have really started to question lately if I am cut out to be a mom. And the thought of that tears at the core of every emotion in my heart. All new moms doubt themselves, I know. We all wonder if we're doing a good enough job, whether we're really cut out for this. I love my baby. My daughter. Wow. Just to say those words - "my daughter". That's crazy and amazing. But I find I am questioning myself more and more.
Amelia was sick last week. Really sick. She has RSV, which essentially is a really nasty cold virus, complete with awful wheezing and a rattly cough and lots and lots of well...snot. So I stayed home with her for three days. And I thought I might lose my mind. On a good day she needs entertained constantly. Throw in her being sick and nothing made her happy. I know she was miserable. I felt awful that I couldn't make her feel better. But I was just.so.frustrated. And when my mom came to help one day for a few hours, she kept saying to me, "She can't help it, she's sick. Poor baby." I realize this. Obviously. But I felt like an awful, terrible mother because all I wanted to do was run away. The next day my mom asked if I am ok. If maybe I have PPD, or if something is bothering me. Well, yeah. EVERYTHING is bothering me. And I don't know how to fix it.
I first referenced it here. I was trying to think of a way to put it into words and I came up with this little analogy:
Imagine all your life you've wanted to be a chef. When you were little, your favorite toys were your toy kitchen and little plastic food items. You "cooked" for your friends and family. As you got older, you helped your mom in the kitchen and were fascinated by the process and results. The measuring, the stirring, the taste testing - you loved every minute. You got your first job working in a restaurant, and your love of food only grew. You knew more than anything that you wanted to be a chef, to run your own restaurant, and that you would stop at nothing to acheive your dream.
You worked your way through the ranks, as a prep cook, a line cook, eventually a sous chef, soaking up every bit of food knowledge you could until one day you were ready - your hard work was about to pay off and your dreams were about to come true. You're going to open your own restaurant.
After months of hard work, you're ready for your big debut, and you're so excited you're already making plans for your second restaurant. You've carefully planned a delicious menu, complete with dishes you know your patrons will love. You add a couple of elegant desserts to round things out, even though the entrees are what you've poured your heart and soul into. The customers come, the orders pass through the kitchen, and you start getting feedback from your servers - "They love the food but what everyone is really raving about is the awesome cake."
The cake? What about the entrees you painstakingly planned and prepared? Sure, the cake was good, but that wasn't supposed to be the star of the show. The critics' reviews the next day echo the same results: "Excellent dinner, extraordinary dessert. The most beautiful and delicious cake I've ever eaten." No...no, this wasn't how it was supposed to go! Day after day the restaurant is filled with customers as you've always dreamed, but all they want is dessert. And you realize you have to face facts. If you're going to succeed at this you're going to have to run a bakery, not a gourmet restaurant. Your vision, the dream you've had and prepared for your whole life...it's not going to turn out the way you'd planned.
So you make the cakes. The detail you have to devote to decorating them is far more exhausting than the menus you're used to. Yet everyone raves, and you're more successful than you'd ever dreamed. But part of your heart aches because this wasn't the dream you had. You're proud of your success, enjoy making people happy, but you can't let go of the part of the dream that didn't come to be. You look at the friends you went to culinary school with and see their successful restaurants and you wonder why you can't have what they have. You wonder why you can't just be happy with your beautiful cakes.
That's where I am. And I don't know what to do with that. As I read more online, maybe what I'm feeling could be PPD. I had always envisioned PPD meaning you were sobbing and unable to get out of bed and wanting to drown your baby, and that's not me. But I think maybe I need to own up to the fact that this is a possibility. I've been to therapy and been on medication for depression years ago, and I really didn't want to go down that road again. But I don't want to cheat my baby girl or myself. I need to get to a place where I love my precious, beautiful cake and enjoy being the baker.
Showing posts with label challenges. Show all posts
Showing posts with label challenges. Show all posts
Monday, March 26, 2012
Monday, February 7, 2011
Oh, bother.
The title of this post comes from the infinitely wise Winnie the Pooh, who often worries about more than his little stuffed-with-fluff brain can handle. Pooh and I have a lot in common these days.
Let me start by saying that I continue to feel so blessed by this pregnancy and the fact that things have gone so well so far. *knocks on wood* But the past couple of days I have just felt ridiculously overwhelmed. It's hard to explain and I can probably chalk a lot of it up to hormones, but today I just wanted to stay in bed with the covers over my head. The things I'm currently worried/frustrated about:
1. Money. My husband and I make enough money but we're certainly not rich. Since buying our new house things are even tighter, and the expenses just keep adding up. We're paying off new windows and dining room furniture, which I planned to put our tax return toward - until we finally got his W2s and discovered that somehow his deductions were screwed up. So instead of the $1,300 we were getting back when just my info was in Turbo Tax, we now owe $700 between federal and state. I'm going to see if I can get a CPA to double check it, but if we owe that much money I have no clue how we're going to pay it. Oh, and our tax return was also supposed to pay for the vacation we're taking with his family in June.
Add to that the fact that our title company forgot to collect $500 from us they should have at closing, and we are now having to pay them. (Yes, I checked with a lawyer first.) We made one $250 payment and still need to make one more.
And finally, I will need a new car when this baby comes (as I mentioned in a previous post). My car is a small two-door with 140,000 miles on it. I can't even fit a carseat in it. My husband thought his car was going to be paid off this summer, but a phone call to the bank told us it's going to be paid off in December instead. There is no way we can afford two car payments.
2. My job. I took my current job as an escape from a job from hell. It was the right thing to do at the time - my last job was causing so much stress that I cried all the time, couldn't sleep and my stomach was constantly in knots. My current job is at a college, in a business-y capacity - not my forte. On a daily basis I have no clue what I'm doing because there was no training provided and hardly any support available. I have no idea what I'm going to do when the baby is born because while I need to keep my benefits (my husband can't get them through his job), my 40-minute commute for a job that I don't love is weighing on me. But see #1 - we need money.
I currently freelance a newsletter for my old job for extra money and am now looking into selling Lia Sophia jewelry, but even with both of those things I will still need to work somewhere.
3. The baby. This one I'm sure is plenty normal, but seeing my sister-in-law the past few days has really generated this unspeakable anxiety in me. She is due in two weeks, and I see them getting ready for the baby and it terrifies me. She sat on the couch last night showing her brother where the baby's foot was pushing out, and the idea of that just freaked me out beyond belief. I really can't put it into words, but I just felt so uncomfortable with it. I know I will love this baby more than anything in the world when it arrives, but right now I am just feeling so overwhelmed by everything in our lives that it's tough to see past the road blocks. I am a person who likes control, and this is one instance in which I am going to have to give it up.
So I'm trying to take deep breath and tackle one obstacle at a time. I keep telling myself that for the most part there is nothing I can do about any of these things right now so I just need to take the advice of another animated character, Dory:
"And you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable/and life's like an hourglass glued to the table/no one can find the rewind button, girl/so cradle your head in your hands/And breathe...just breathe..."
- Anna Nalick
Let me start by saying that I continue to feel so blessed by this pregnancy and the fact that things have gone so well so far. *knocks on wood* But the past couple of days I have just felt ridiculously overwhelmed. It's hard to explain and I can probably chalk a lot of it up to hormones, but today I just wanted to stay in bed with the covers over my head. The things I'm currently worried/frustrated about:
1. Money. My husband and I make enough money but we're certainly not rich. Since buying our new house things are even tighter, and the expenses just keep adding up. We're paying off new windows and dining room furniture, which I planned to put our tax return toward - until we finally got his W2s and discovered that somehow his deductions were screwed up. So instead of the $1,300 we were getting back when just my info was in Turbo Tax, we now owe $700 between federal and state. I'm going to see if I can get a CPA to double check it, but if we owe that much money I have no clue how we're going to pay it. Oh, and our tax return was also supposed to pay for the vacation we're taking with his family in June.
Add to that the fact that our title company forgot to collect $500 from us they should have at closing, and we are now having to pay them. (Yes, I checked with a lawyer first.) We made one $250 payment and still need to make one more.
And finally, I will need a new car when this baby comes (as I mentioned in a previous post). My car is a small two-door with 140,000 miles on it. I can't even fit a carseat in it. My husband thought his car was going to be paid off this summer, but a phone call to the bank told us it's going to be paid off in December instead. There is no way we can afford two car payments.
2. My job. I took my current job as an escape from a job from hell. It was the right thing to do at the time - my last job was causing so much stress that I cried all the time, couldn't sleep and my stomach was constantly in knots. My current job is at a college, in a business-y capacity - not my forte. On a daily basis I have no clue what I'm doing because there was no training provided and hardly any support available. I have no idea what I'm going to do when the baby is born because while I need to keep my benefits (my husband can't get them through his job), my 40-minute commute for a job that I don't love is weighing on me. But see #1 - we need money.
I currently freelance a newsletter for my old job for extra money and am now looking into selling Lia Sophia jewelry, but even with both of those things I will still need to work somewhere.
3. The baby. This one I'm sure is plenty normal, but seeing my sister-in-law the past few days has really generated this unspeakable anxiety in me. She is due in two weeks, and I see them getting ready for the baby and it terrifies me. She sat on the couch last night showing her brother where the baby's foot was pushing out, and the idea of that just freaked me out beyond belief. I really can't put it into words, but I just felt so uncomfortable with it. I know I will love this baby more than anything in the world when it arrives, but right now I am just feeling so overwhelmed by everything in our lives that it's tough to see past the road blocks. I am a person who likes control, and this is one instance in which I am going to have to give it up.
So I'm trying to take deep breath and tackle one obstacle at a time. I keep telling myself that for the most part there is nothing I can do about any of these things right now so I just need to take the advice of another animated character, Dory:
"And you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable/and life's like an hourglass glued to the table/no one can find the rewind button, girl/so cradle your head in your hands/And breathe...just breathe..."
- Anna Nalick
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