8 Month Letter to Amelia

My little munchkin,

The past month or so has brought new challenges and milestones. You were sick - really sick - for the first time, with RSV. You were coughing and having trouble breathing and it was hard to know we couldn't do much to help you. This meant you were back in your Rock 'n Play for a couple of weeks to help you sleep and breathe better. You'd decided you didn't care much for sleeping all night before that anyway and had us up a couple of times each night. But after a few weeks we realized you wanted more to eat during the day and you are sleeping well now.

You LOVE to eat. Now you seem to view your bottles mostly as playthings and rarely finish them during the day. I'm sure it's because you'd rather have "big girl" food. The only thing you've hated so far has been avocado, but that's ok because Mommy is more than happy to eat your share.

You'd rolled over here and there but it never seemed to be your thing. You started scooting backward for probably a good month, and then suddenly just before your 8 month birthday, you were OFF. Crawling everywhere, pulling up, and making a beeline for anything you weren't supposed to have. Like the newspapers, magazines, and an envelope you've eaten. The cable box and Playstation. The fireplace. The cat. And we lowered your crib a notch after I found you standing in it when you were supposed to be taking a nap. (You're still not a fan of naps. Maybe 20-30 minutes at a stretch.)

You seem to be extremely happy with this newfound freedom, though Mommy is constantly worried about you bonking your head. And getting you dressed is now pretty similar to wrestling an octopus because you are sitting and standing and grabbing everything. You love to coo and talk and "ga ga ga". No teeth yet, but sooner or later I'm sure they will be here!

You're a lot of fun, and we can't wait to show you new things this summer! Happy 8 months, happy girl!

Love always,
Your Mommy

Small victories

I got the following email today from Productive Parenting, and it made me smile:

 

"You're a good mom. When's the last time you've heard this? When's the last time you've thought it yourself? From book covers to advertisements, magazines to models there's a message that sometimes leaves us feeling that we just don't measure up as moms. Today I'd like to offer an antidote. You're a good mom.

 

I'm going to generalize that we want our children to grow up to become confident adults. The best way to support this growth is to model it. Give yourself the gift of affirmation and acceptance today. Along with the areas you want to grow in, acknowledge the progress you've already made. Along with the challenges you still face, reflect on the ones you've already surmounted. Just for today, let yourself believe that you are a good mom. Perhaps not perfect, but progessing."

 

It came on the heels of this article that was shared across Facebook by some mommy friends and myself.

 

Both are important reminders for me. It's so easy to get caught up in the "what I didn't accomplish today" and "why can't I be more patient with my child" and "WHY won't this kid SLEEP?!?" moments. I need to take a look back at how far we've come and celebrate the good days and the little moments that make it all worthwhile and allow me to go bed with a smile on my face, thanking God, instead of the days that end in tears.

 

Amelia is almost eight months old. Eight months ago - heck, even five or six months ago - I was sleeping on the couch or in the recliner, sitting up with her on my chest. I had to hold her all day. She was colicky and miserable and I was lucky to get four or five hours of sleep at a stretch. We battled jaundice and reflux and UTIs. Taking her out in public was a crapshoot.

 

Now she is sleeping in her crib. Not necessarily sleeping all night, but a few nights recently have given me hope. She is babbling and laughing and CRAWLING! She loves going to restaurants and stores. Her health issues are more or less under control. And in the past week we have had more days than not where I can smile and say, "Today was a good day."

 

I AM a good mom. I'm learning, she's learning...we're getting there. My mother-in-law got me a necklace for one of my baby showers (that Amelia now loves to play with and try to eat) that says "You are worth it all" with an imprint of tiny feet. And she is. Always.

 

My rotten little bunny on Easter

 

 

Cake Walk

I'm just going to lay it out there for the blogosphere and myself - I have really started to question lately if I am cut out to be a mom. And the thought of that tears at the core of every emotion in my heart. All new moms doubt themselves, I know. We all wonder if we're doing a good enough job, whether we're really cut out for this. I love my baby. My daughter. Wow. Just to say those words - "my daughter". That's crazy and amazing. But I find I am questioning myself more and more.

Amelia was sick last week. Really sick. She has RSV, which essentially is a really nasty cold virus, complete with awful wheezing and a rattly cough and lots and lots of well...snot. So I stayed home with her for three days. And I thought I might lose my mind. On a good day she needs entertained constantly. Throw in her being sick and nothing made her happy. I know she was miserable. I felt awful that I couldn't make her feel better. But I was just.so.frustrated. And when my mom came to help one day for a few hours, she kept saying to me, "She can't help it, she's sick. Poor baby." I realize this. Obviously. But I felt like an awful, terrible mother because all I wanted to do was run away. The next day my mom asked if I am ok. If maybe I have PPD, or if something is bothering me. Well, yeah. EVERYTHING is bothering me. And I don't know how to fix it.

I first referenced it here. I was trying to think of a way to put it into words and I came up with this little analogy:

Imagine all your life you've wanted to be a chef. When you were little, your favorite toys were your toy kitchen and little plastic food items. You "cooked" for your friends and family. As you got older, you helped your mom in the kitchen and were fascinated by the process and results. The measuring, the stirring, the taste testing - you loved every minute. You got your first job working in a restaurant, and your love of food only grew. You knew more than anything that you wanted to be a chef, to run your own restaurant, and that you would stop at nothing to acheive your dream.

You worked your way through the ranks, as a prep cook, a line cook, eventually a sous chef, soaking up every bit of food knowledge you could until one day you were ready - your hard work was about to pay off and your dreams were about to come true. You're going to open your own restaurant.

After months of hard work, you're ready for your big debut, and you're so excited you're already making plans for your second restaurant. You've carefully planned a delicious menu, complete with dishes you know your patrons will love. You add a couple of elegant desserts to round things out, even though the entrees are what you've poured your heart and soul into. The customers come, the orders pass through the kitchen, and you start getting feedback from your servers - "They love the food but what everyone is really raving about is the awesome cake."

The cake? What about the entrees you painstakingly planned and prepared? Sure, the cake was good, but that wasn't supposed to be the star of the show. The critics' reviews the next day echo the same results: "Excellent dinner, extraordinary dessert. The most beautiful and delicious cake I've ever eaten." No...no, this wasn't how it was supposed to go! Day after day the restaurant is filled with customers as you've always dreamed, but all they want is dessert. And you realize you have to face facts. If you're going to succeed at this you're going to have to run a bakery, not a gourmet restaurant. Your vision, the dream you've had and prepared for your whole life...it's not going to turn out the way you'd planned.

So you make the cakes. The detail you have to devote to decorating them is far more exhausting than the menus you're used to. Yet everyone raves, and you're more successful than you'd ever dreamed. But part of your heart aches because this wasn't the dream you had. You're proud of your success, enjoy making people happy, but you can't let go of the part of the dream that didn't come to be. You look at the friends you went to culinary school with and see their successful restaurants and you wonder why you can't have what they have. You wonder why you can't just be happy with your beautiful cakes.

That's where I am. And I don't know what to do with that. As I read more online, maybe what I'm feeling could be PPD. I had always envisioned PPD meaning you were sobbing and unable to get out of bed and wanting to drown your baby, and that's not me. But I think maybe I need to own up to the fact that this is a possibility. I've been to therapy and been on medication for depression years ago, and I really didn't want to go down that road again. But I don't want to cheat my baby girl or myself. I need to get to a place where I love my precious, beautiful cake and enjoy being the baker.

My little money pit

We've all heard it - kids are expensive. I used one of those useless online calculators to tell me how much my child would cost before I had her. I don't remember what it told me, but as it turns out my kiddo is more expensive than most.

The biggest expense is feeding her. She's on Similac Alimentum formula (almost twice as expensive as normal formula, in case you didn't know, and twice as smelly) because it seems she has quite the sensitive tummy. In addition, following a modified barium swallow test we had done several months ago (did I mention that somewhere? I can't remember...) it was advised that we thicken her bottles with a gel thickener. The test showed she was at risk for aspirating non-thickened liquids (sucking them into her lungs). And then there's the Prevacid that she takes twice a day because of her reflux. And the purees she eats every day.

Here's a rundown of our monthly "feed Amelia" bill:

• $28/can of formula - we need two a week. Luckily I usually have some sort of coupon or formula check, so I'm gonna call this $23/can in reality. = $184
• $65ish/case of gel thickener - we need two per month = $130
• $ .50/Gerber puree, which she eats two of a day (occasionally I have coupons for this or catch a good sale, but typically they are $ .99 per two-pack) = $30
• $25 copay for Prevacid once a month
• $4 for her prophylactic antibiotic for the UTIs

____________
$373 a month
And that's without diapers, wipes, and any other odds and ends we may need along the way.

Throw in another $100/week for the babysitter (I know, we get off cheap compared to a lot of people!), and that means my child costs about $773 a month. HOLY CRAP. Oh, and did I mention a $15 copay every time we go to the doctor or have had tests run? I can't even begin to calculate that. (Well, I could...but I'm too lazy.)

The plan has been to start weaning her off the expensive stuff and Prevacid, but so far we haven't been successful. It's worth it, of course, to keep her happy and healthy. Like this:

  

But if this continues, she'd better find a job before she hits kindergarten.

6 Month Letter to Amelia

Happy half birthday, sweet girl! I can't believe it's been half a year since you came into our lives. It seems like the time has flown by but stood still at the same time. I feel like I have known you forever, but you change and teach me something new every day.


So much has changed in the past six months. When we went to the hospital the night you were born, it was the tail end of summer. The nights had just a hint of chill to them, but it was still warm outside. We've seen you grow through fall and winter (the most mild winter we've seen in years), and now I can't wait to share spring with you. Going for walks, playing outside...I think you're going to love it :)

The past month or so has brought the biggest round of changes in your little life. You've rolled from your belly to your back (exciting even though you did it first for Grammy and wouldn't do it for us!). You started eating cereal at 4 1/2 months, and then veggies at 5 1/2 months. And you love to eat! So far you have loved sweet potatoes, carrots, green beans, peas, and apples - everything you've tried! You also do a funny flipping thing with your tongue where you turn it sideways all the time. Silly girl :)

You're on your way to sitting up by yourself and you lunge at everything in your reach, including the cat. This past Saturday you spent your first night in your big girl crib and slept all night! I was so proud of you. You're such a happy girl when you wake up - definitely not something you get from Mommy!

You love to snuggle with blankies (and worry your mama when you smoosh them up against your face). You love tickles from Daddy. You also love eating your feet, whether they're covered by socks or not. Looking in the mirror and at pictures of your cousins and friend Kendall makes you giggle. You still have a mighty temper for someone so small, and you want to be entertained all the time. Because of this we found out you LOVED riding in your baby carrier at the grocery store this month. You smiled and laughed and talked the whole time.

I'm starting to understand those moms who told me I'd miss these early days. Soon you'll be crawling and getting teeth and starting to talk... I hope you'll still let your mama snuggle you before bed, because I'm not ready to give up my munckin snuggles just yet. I love you, sweetie, and can't wait to watch you grow in the coming months.

Love,
Mom

It's my life...

*cue Bon Jovi synthesizer music per the title of this post*

My bloggy friend Emily over at The Many Thoughts of a Reader has been hosting a series of "day in the life" posts from her friends, so I was inspired to share my fascinating day with all of you. Hold on to your hats, kids. My days are thrilling (cue sarcasm font).

5:30am - My alarm goes off. My brain fires off a silent round of expletives and I hit the snooze button. Particularly if Amelia has chosen to wake me up at some ungodly hour prior to this, as was the case at 4am nearly every day this week.

5:40 - After my alarm goes off again, I resign myself to dragging my butt out of bed. I pry my eyes open and put eyedrops in them because I have insanely dry eyes. *note to self - check on the cost of that Restasis Rx the eye doc wrote me a month ago. Whoops.*

5:45-6:20 - Shower, makeup, hair, etc. in an effort to make myself look presentable. Find something to wear to work (these days the only requirement is that the clothes match, and even that is a little iffy). Clothes are inevitably wrinkled from sitting in the laundry basket for a week, so I take them downstairs and throw them in the dryer. Who needs an iron?

6:30ish - Gather some snacks and lunch for myself, get out Amelia's clothes if I haven't already, get her reflux medicine and other odds and ends necessary to start the day. By now she is usually stirring. Luckily she is more of a morning person than her mommy and is typically happy when she wakes up, like the other morning when she got her feet out of her jammies.

Good morning, Mom!

6:45 - We wake up Daddy and go downstairs, change her diaper, clothes, etc. because we are used to using the Pack n Play changing table as opposed to the one in her room which serves the primary purpose of being a cat bed. That will be changing soon.

I make a mad dash around the house collecting coffee, bags for the sitter, work, etc. while Daddy hangs out with Amelia and they watch SportsCenter. Oh, and somewhere in there I pull my clothes out of the dryer and put them on.

7:00 - We're out the door. (Note that no one ate breakfast. No time!) Drop Amelia off at the sitter's, who luckily lives about one minute from our house.

7:15 - I begin my 45 min. commute to work. Blech. I drink my coffee while I drive. On Mondays my best friend and I commute at the same time so we talk on the phone and compare notes about what crazy things our children have done lately since our girls are only four days apart. (Yay for the Bluetooth hook up in my new vehicle!)

Hello there, Santa Fe!

8:00 - Arrive at work. Ok, who am I kidding. I rarely make it there at 8:00, but I am always at my desk by 8:10! Eat a granola bar for breakfast.

8:15-4:30 - Work. I do business-y type stuff at a state college. I don't love it by any means, but it's not a difficult job. I spend more time than I should online playing instead of working, but no one seems to notice or care.

I do get to interact with students on occasion which is by far my favorite part of my job as opposed to the statement mailing, invoice processing, etc. My background is in marketing, so this is not exactly my dream job. Which means I also spend part of my day hunting for jobs online.

4:40 - Headed home. I call the hubby to let him know I'm leaving and check on the munchkin, who gets picked up by Daddy because he works closer to home and usually gets off earlier than me. I often talk to my mom or a friend on the way home because the commute is uber boring and by this time I am struggling to keep my eyes open.

5:30ish - Get home if I didn't have any stops to make on the way, kisses for the munchkin and husband. He has already started dinner (remember eons ago when I told you I'm domestically challenged? Yeah, he's the cook.) and I run upstairs to change my clothes into "comfies" as we call them. Feed the cat, who is winding around my ankles incessantly meowing and begging for attention and food.

6:00 - Feed the munchkin some big girl food. This is a recent addition to our evening routine and she loves it.

Hey, give me more of those sweet potatoes!

6:30-7:00ish - Playtime with the munchkin on her mat or in the jumperoo. She needs to be entertained constantly so no activity lasts more than 5 minutes. Try to get her to roll over. Fail. She's far more interested in eating her feet.

Somewhere in there we cram dinner down our throats while we watch tv because we're "those people" who eat in front of the television - a bad habit I hope to break as Amelia gets older. I also usually slip in some Words With Friends time on my phone.

7:30 - The munchkin is reaching meltdown mode, so I put her in her jammies and feed her a bottle. (If it's bath night, that happens somewhere between dinner and now.) She gets her reflux medicine again as well as her antibiotic to keep the UTIs at bay. Sometimes we read a story, but lately all she wants to do is eat the books so that isn't going too well. We rock in the recliner until she is asleep.

8:00-8:15ish - Ideally Amelia is asleep and I carry her upstairs and put her down. If the planets align, she'll stay asleep until morning.

8:30-9:30 - Get in some tv watching with C and start gathering things for the next day. Wash bottles (I despise washing bottles. We fight over who is doing it almost every night!), do some laundry, etc. Inevitably Amelia lets out a little whine or cry somewhere in here and I stare daggars at the monitor willing her to go back to sleep. Usually it works.

9:30 - I get myself ready for bed (quietly - don't wake the baby!) while C stays downstairs watching tv.

10:00 - I'm in bed, playing some more WWF and usually have House Hunters on tv. Those people are picky!

10:30 - Lights out and my version of prayers - I silently thank God for the blessings in my life, including the biggest little blessing, my baby girl. I ask Him to watch over us, our families and friends, including my online friends who are mommies, pregnant, or trying for babies. I have to confess that I usually fall asleep in the midst of this. I've got a lot of people to pray for!

I also pray that Amelia doesn't wake up overnight... At some point my husband comes up to bed unless he falls asleep on the couch, but I am usually already asleep. 

There you have it - the jam-packed day of a working mommy!

"It's ok, so nice/Just another day in paradise/Well, there's no place that I'd rather be/Well, it's two hearts/And one dream/I wouldn't trade it for anything/And I ask the Lord every night/For just another day in paradise." ~Phil Vassar

Five months!

I can't believe my little baby is five months old today! (I probably say that every month, don't I?) Here she is on her "birthday" this morning for your ooh-ing and ahh-ing.

She has the roundest little head and face!

So what's new with us, since I'm a bad blogger these days? In baby milestones, little Miss A is still a little high maintenance but overall a pretty happy kid. She laughs a lot, especially when you tickle and kiss her feet, which she loves to try to eat. She hasn't rolled over yet, but hopefully that will come soon. We have tried feeding her rice cereal a few times but so far she just shoves it back out of her mouth, which is why we usually try before bath time! She has discovered she can make some of her toys make noise and is very pleased with herself when it happens. When she's feeling so inclined she can hold her own bottle, and she does pretty well sleeping all night now (I totally just jinxed myself, I'm sure).

She also LOVES her thumb and tries to shove it in her mouth even when not terribly convenient - like when other things are already in her mouth. Photo evidence:

 

(and yes, she is totally trying to watch TV in the first and last pics...)

In other news, we have spent a lot of time lately at doctor's appointments. Amelia had her first UTI in December, and a few weeks ago I had a feeling it was back. Unfortunately I was right. (In case you're wondering, the symptoms of her first infection were spitting up a lot and not eating well, and the second time her wet diapers smelled really strong in the morning.) The standard is that more than one UTI in an infant is grounds for testing, and coupled with the fact that she had no fever with her infections, chances were they were being caused by something anatomical.

Urinary reflux was the most likely culprit - instead of all the urine going through the urinary tract and exiting the body, some of it goes back into the kidneys, which leads to infection. The reflux is graded level 1-5, with 1 being the lowest degree and 5 being the worst. The higher numbers typically lead to surgery at some point, while the lower degrees are usually just outgrown. I read that 50% of all children with recurring UTIs have reflux, so I was pretty prepared to find out that was the case.

First we had a renal ultrasound, which showed her right kidney was larger than the left (I wasn't expecting that) and they suggested we see a urologist at Children's Hospital. We scheduled that appointment and once her infection was cleared up, we had a VCUG test done to check for the reflux. They used a catheter to send dye through her urinary tract to see if any urine goes back into her kidneys.

Long story shorter, she does in fact have urinary reflux, but currently only a level 1. Luckily this means right now she just stays on a daily low dose of antibiotics, and she will have the VCUG performed again in a year to see if she is outgrowing it. They said it's not uncommon for a kidney to be enlarged with this condition. It has been a little exhausting for Mommy while hauling her around and trying to entertain a very nosy baby while we did a lot of waiting, but all in all she was a trooper and I am hoping the worst of it is behind us.

So there you have it - I'll be back again someday, I promise!

Hey there, 2012

2012 is just around the corner. Maybe it will be the end of the world as we know it (thank you, REM). I certainly hope not, because I've got a lot of living left to do (credit - that country song I am too lazy to look up).

Obviously 2011 was a big year for us. We grew to a family of three, and I don't think you need me to re-hash all the ways that changed our lives. It was challenging and amazing all at the same time. I can't believe this time next year my baby will be walking and talking(ish).

I have only two resolutions that I am committed to. Sure, I have other things I would like to work on (a laundry list of them really) but here are two that I am insisting I will acheive:

1. Get Amelia sleeping in her crib. I've been lazy about this thus far. I tried one night and she was mad and I caved and brought her back to her Rock n Play in our room. I was going to try again, but then I was tired... and she had a cold... and got her shots... and it was Christmas. I really need to commit to getting her in the room that I so painstakingly decorated before she was born!

2. Connect with more mommy friends in real life (IRL). I have connected with some amazing women online in the past year and I am so thankful for their wisdom and friendship. But my real-life friendships are scant, and I have very few mommy friends. I recently had lunch with a couple of girls from high school, one who has a 10-month-old and one who is due in June, and I thought how nice it would be to get together more frequently. I have been invited to a mommy group that I have been unable to attend thus far due to my work schedule, but I want to make an effort to connect with local mommies somehow. I think this may get easier as it gets warmer in the spring and Amelia gets older, but I want to make this happen!

That's it. Those goals seem attainable, right? Perhaps not so attainable - staying awake until midnight to ring in the New Year. We'll see how that ones goes.

To all of my e-friends, I wish you a wonderful 2012. Those with new babies, may they grow happy and healthy in the coming year. For those still waiting on their miracles, I hope 2012 is your year, sooner rather than later.

A change in plans?

My last post about my BFP "anniversary" resulted in a lot of reflection and looking ahead for me. I always said I wanted three children, though I was pretty sure we would end up with two. After the rough first weeks we had with Amelia, I wasn't sure I could do it again. I joked that she was making a good case for being an only child. People told me I would change my mind, that I would forget it all. But four months in, I haven't, and I wonder what that means for our family going forward.

I love my sweet baby girl more than I ever thought possible. But motherhood has been a challenge for me. It is really, really hard for me to admit that. I have always wanted to be a mother. I love babies and kids, and I knew I wanted to be a mom - maybe more than anything else I've wanted in my life. When I finally saw those two pink lines, I was beyond thrilled. My dream was coming true and the anticipation of waiting for that sweet baby was like waiting for the ultimate Christmas gift. I had plans of all the things I would do, the pictures I would take, where she would sleep, the cute outfits she'd wear, how I would enjoy my maternity leave being at home with her. And then she arrived and all of my plans went out the window.

My child didn't sleep anywhere but on my chest. My maternity leave was spent in a haze of sleeplessness (I frequently told C that I was so tired I thought I might literally die). I didn't blog or take cute staged photos because she was always crying and needing me to hold her 24/7 (at times I was pretty sure there were more than 24 hours in a day). I didn't care for breastfeeding. She lived in sleepers because it was just easier that way. I cried, I fought with my husband, and I wondered what the hell I had gotten myself into. I was frustrated more often than not.

I realize some of those emotions aren't uncommon for new moms. But when I think about having another child (God willing) it causes unspeakable anxiety for me. Could I do it all again? How in the world could I handle another baby in addition to tending to the little one I already have?

And then there are the selfish thoughts that lie deep inside, that I almost fear saying out loud: I miss my life. I miss being able to get up and go. I am happy to be able to drink coffee and beer and not be uncomfortable just sitting in a chair like I was at the end of my pregnacy. As Amelia gets older, I know these things will get easier, and I'm not sure I can imagine regressing back to it all.

And then I feel like a horrible person for having these thoughts. Because I have so many e-friends (and one in real life) who want a baby more than anything in the world and are struggling to get there. I know I am so, SO blessed to have my baby girl and I don't want anyone to think for one second that I am ungrateful for that blessing. I love her so much my heart aches when I'm not with her. Her smiles are flat-out the best thing in my life. And I want my awesome daughter to have siblings. I want to be a good mom.

It's just that this thing that I've wanted for so long, this mommyhood gig ...it's different than I expected. I'm facing emotions I never dreamed I would face, and they lead me to wonder if I will in fact have an only child. I guess time will tell.

"I don't know how long I can do this, he said. I think the universe has different plans for me & we sat there in silence & I thought to myself that this is the thing we all come to & this is the thing we all fight & if we are lucky enough to lose, our lives become beautiful with mystery again & I sat there silent because that is not something that can be said." ~storypeople.com, "Different Plans"

One year ago today...

...we found out our lives were going to change forever via two little pink lines.

For fun reminiscing purposes (perhaps more fun for me than you):

My blog post

BFP post from TB