The Aftermath

It will be a week tomorrow since we got the news. I seem to have passed from the anger stage to the sadness stage. I told Chad I think I want to try again once we get the go ahead from the doctor, and he doesn't agree, which is only compounding what I'm feeling. I know this pregnancy was a surprise and there would be challenges. Starting over with an infant isn't easy. But while before I never felt there was something missing from our family like I've heard some people talk about, now I do. There is a hole left by the baby-that-was-going-to-be. The one I pictured wearing in a new baby carrier, sleeping in the spare room turned new nursery. And it hurts my heart.

I worry about the emotional recovery from this. I have been taking meds for anxiety/mood swings for several months, and I worry that they won't be enough to help me cope. I'm looking into essential oils to use as well. I know everyone says it takes time, but I need time to fast forward.

We got away to go to an amazing concert (tenth row for Garth Brooks!) with my best friend and her husband this past weekend and it was wonderful. But on the way home we drove through the town where my new OB is and where the D&C took place, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Anxiety in its rawest form. Somehow I have to drive back there in a week. Somehow I have to keep going. I feel a little crazy when I say this, but I feel like I have an emotional aversion to the foods I wanted while I was pregnant. I don't want the meals and snacks that are still sitting in the cabinet and refrigerator that I bought when I was craving them. And then at the same time, I went ahead and brought home maternity clothes from my BFF. Just in case. My whole life feels like a contradiction right now.

I am the type of person who likes to be in control, who needs a plan, who is the one who handles the tough stuff when others can't. This situation isn't allowing for that. I know I'm supposed to take it easy, give myself time, all of those cliché statements, but I don't WANT to. And well, then I cycle back to being angry again.

I teared up a couple of times at the Garth concert. "The Dance" and "Unanswered Prayers." And this one hit home.

"When the rain is blowing in your face

And the whole world is on your case

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met 

There's no doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling down the avenue

There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on a rolling sea

Down the highway of regret

The winds of change are blowing wild and free

But you ain't seen nothing like me yet

There is nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends of the earth for you

Make you happy, make your dreams come true

To make you feel my love."