The week after I wrote that last post was a tough one. I was dealing with a lot of anxiety - the "I'm just sitting here working and I can't breathe and it lasts all day" kind. I started using some essential oils, which helped some, and then I went to my primary doctor who I love. She told me we could increase my current daily dose of what I've been taking for several months, and also gave me a low dose of Xanax. Just having that gave me some piece of mind. I actually ended up not increasing my daily meds, and I did take the Xanax a couple of times, but it made me pretty sleepy. So while I still carry it just in case, I haven't taken it again.
Fortunately that has all subsided for the most part. Maybe it was just the hormones, maybe it was just the immediate reaction. Either way, I am doing better. I went for my follow up appointment with my OB. She asked if we wanted to try again and I told her I wasn't sure yet. She suggested I come back in six weeks for my (late) annual, and we could discuss birth control if I wanted to, or we could talk babies. She also said if I do get pregnant again it is totally up to me how we handle it. I can be monitored like crazy, or we can back off if it makes me anxious. That was nice to hear. She told me the pathology came back ok, so this was just one of those things. Of course I can't help but think the crazy thoughts like, "It's because I didn't give up coffee." But really, there's no way of knowing what happened.
I can't say that I don't still get sad or upset (like when the woman at the front desk at my dentist's office, who has known me my entire life, asked me, "No new babies?" this week. Ugh. Or when I saw the bill for the hospital.) but I'm moving on. Now I'm back to HOW do I want to move on.
We've not had any more major discussions about trying again, but I did ask a week or two ago how certain Chad was that he didn't want another. He said 50/50. I feel the same way. I feel this NEED to get pregnant again, but I'm trying to weigh whether it is just for the vindication or if I truly want a second child. I see Amelia play with her one year old cousin, and she's great. She loves babies. But man, we have a really good thing going here. She's an amazingly awesome kid right now. Do we really want the stress of starting all over? And if we decide to, do we start trying right away? I feel like yes, I would want to. But that also means - in a best case scenario - we would have kids with birthdays very close together. I like the idea of a spring/summer baby. And well, that ship has sailed. At this point there would already be five years between A and #2, and that seems like a lot. I'll be 35 in May, and I feel that clock ticking.
If my brain and the decision to TTC were on Facebook, right now we would be listed as "It's complicated." We'll see where this journey takes us next...