Thursday, January 21, 2016

Déja Vu

I got a positive pregnancy test the day after Christmas. I was nervous, cautiously excited, you name it. When I went through my miscarriage in October, I read something about pregnancy after a miscarriage, and the author said she tried to be excited, that the next baby deserved the same excitement and joy that she had felt with her first pregnancy. So I got on that train. I sorted the maternity clothes. I bought a few baby things and tucked them into the back of the closet. We told our close friends and family. I thought hey, I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy with Amelia. I had never had a loss before. These things just happen, and my "thing" had already happened. I was ready to start over and move on.

Yesterday I hit the 7 week mark. And I started spotting. Quite a bit. I called my OB's office because my first appointment was two days away. They told me to have bloodwork done yesterday when I could, and then to repeat it the morning before my appointment. So I went, had my blood drawn, and waited for the other shoe to drop.

I woke up this morning afraid to get out of bed. Afraid to go to the bathroom. But I had to get up, clearly. And as I feared, it wasn't just spotting this morning. *Cue shoe dropping* I called the OB's office back, and they still want me to do the bloodwork and appointment tomorrow. I know it needs to be done, but I don't know how to look at the ultrasound screen and see nothing again. How to leave that office again and go on with the rest of my day and week and month...

I had already considered that if we had another loss we may be done trying. While I was excited for another child, I was also terrified of starting over. Amelia is such an awesome kid. Sleep is awesome. Maybe we need to be content with our one perfect girl who I love so much I think my heart could explode some days. Maybe we look forward to Disney World and kindergarten and redecorating her big girl room and leave behind the thoughts of more daycare and nurseries and second car seats.

With two losses back to back, the doubt and irrational thoughts creep in. What's wrong with me? What did I do wrong? And yes, I know they are in fact irrational thoughts. But they're there nonetheless. So now I'm back in limbo again. Trying to find a way to move on again. Having to make decisions again. And yeah, it sucks. It really, really sucks.

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you..." - Coldplay

2 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh Sarah! I'm obviously really behind on blog reading. My heart breaks for you, again.

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