Where do we go from here?

Two losses in four months. I'm not even sure I have processed that with a couple of additional months behind me. I went to counseling a few times to try to sort out my emotions and decide whether we would try again. I started going to yoga to destress (which I love by the way). And I decided regardless, I needed a break. We needed a break. I had spent most of a six month time span in some stage of pregnancy - testing, blood work, ultrasounds, doctors' appointments, D&C, recovery, waiting, trying, repeat. I wanted to get back to myself and my family and some semblance of normalcy. I wanted to enjoy our beach vacation and drinks on the patio and playing outside with Amelia.

I was able to push it to the back of my mind for a bit.

But now as vacation and summer are approaching - as well as my first due date and my 35th birthday in May - I'm feeling the anxiety and the need to make a decision creeping back in. One day I feel convinced that we need another child. The next day (or often the same day) I can't imagine starting all over again. At this point there would be about six years between two kids and that seems like a big span. Too big. Time is ticking.

There's been an influx of pregnancy announcements in my news feed lately and I'm starting to avoid them. I get tears in my eyes and I hide the posts. I know my brother-in-law and his wife are TTC. And I hope they don't make an announcement to us in person. I am happy for all of them, but I am conflicted and anxious and sad about my own journey.

Chad and I don't talk about it much. He's content where we are, and I know the idea of starting all over is unappealing to him. And I can't say I disagree. At 4 and a half, Amelia is pretty independent and awesome. We're a year away from ditching daycare payments. But how can I say it's time to put my baby and mama years behind me? That it's time to sell the baby stuff in the basement? My one and only baby is growing up, and the idea of being DONE makes my heart so heavy.

My OB told me there was no reason to think I couldn't have another healthy pregnancy. That two miscarriages in a row was crappy, but since I had no issues with my pregnancy with Amelia, there was nothing indicating there was an underlying issue.

But what if we finally make the decision to try again and we lose that one too?

What if...

What if...

I bought this bracelet yesterday - the mantra I try to repeat when I'm getting overwhelmed by the what ifs. For now I'm trying to let it be, and hope to find peace with whatever resolution we come to.

"When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me 
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be 
And in my hour of darkness 
She is standing right in front of me 
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be 

 Let it be, let it be Let it be, let it be 
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be 

And when the broken-hearted people 
Living in the world agree 
There will be an answer, let it be 
For though they may be parted 
There is still a chance that they will see 
There will be an answer, let it be 

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be 
Yeah, there will be an answer, let it be 
Let it be, let it be 
Let it be, let it be 
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be 

 And when the night is cloudy 
There is still a light that shines on me 
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be 
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me 
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be 
Let it be, let it be Let it be, yeah, let it be 
Oh, there will be an answer, let it be 
Let it be, let it be Let it be, yeah, let it be 
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be."