May

Last week marked three days filled with mixed emotions. Mother's Day on May 8th. Two days later, the due date of the little one I lost in October. And on Friday the 13th I turned 35.

And I am struggling.

I gave myself a few months "off" from baby thoughts. I wanted to enjoy vacation (which I did - perfect weather and wonderful time with my husband and baby girl). I wanted to be able to have an adult beverage at a couple of upcoming events. But in about a month, those will have passed. And I feel like I am no closer to a resolution.

The pregnancy announcements have been coming in waves in recent weeks, from friends in my online groups and one of my best friends from college. Another friend told me she's ready to try for #2. I've been hiding FB posts. I've been crying. I increased my meds a month or so ago, but I can't shake this off. I'm considering going back to counseling - I didn't feel much benefit from the woman I saw a few times, but the options here are few and far between. #smalltown

I need to talk to my husband, but I know he doesn't really understand. He's content where we are. And I am too, to an extent. I keep thinking of how simple our life is now, and how I don't want to turn Amelia's world upside down. But I watched baby videos of her the other day and my heart just aches. She's getting so big. Can I really move forward and never experience those baby days again? And while I know it's totally fine to only have one child, I am in the minority in my group of friends. I'm feeling "less than." It's a hard thing to explain.

I really can't even put into words where my heart is right now. I think about being done and I feel like there's a rock in my stomach. I think about starting over again and I panic.

"I don't know how long I can do this, he said. I think the universe has different plans for me & we sat there in silence & I thought to myself that this is the thing we all come to & this is the thing we all fight & if we are lucky enough to lose, our lives become beautiful with mystery again & I sat there silent because that is not something that can be said." storypeople.com