Stepping Back

I am trying to take the opportunity of cycle #3 coming to an end to take a deep breath and stop obsessing over getting pregnant. In all reality this may only last about a week, but I welcome the breaks I take from temping every morning and feeling the need to obsessively check my chart first thing every day. I wake up every morning and try to remember to thank God for the blessings I have in my life and remind myself that things could be a lot worse.

On my Trying to Get Pregnant message board we usual have a Thankful Thursday, but I need a good reminder sometimes, so I'm having a Thankful Monday:

• I am thankful for my best friend. She lives 3 hours away and we don't see each other nearly enough, but I love her for her support and understanding. Nothing is TMI, and we always "get" each other.
• I am thankful for my husband. Between our new house and TTC, we have been arguing more than usual, but I try to bite my tongue and apologize when I know I should. He made an awesome beef stew for dinner last night - so I am also always thankful for his cooking!
• I am thankful for my cat :o) She is a total spaz and her fur is everywhere, and usually I won't let her sleep with us because she can't stay still. But last night she cozied up with us in bed and I didn't have the heart to kick her out. I only woke up to her tail in my face once!
• I am thankful for my family. My parents are always there for me, and I don't know what I would do without them.

So there's my warm and fuzzy post to take the edge off the last one. Not much else to report in my life - still working on the house. Immediate projects in the queue:

• paint the back of the bathroom door
• get my husband to finish our downstairs bathroom
• clean the gutters yet again so our basement doesn't flood (someday we will need to get gutter guards)
• get an estimate on windows tomorrow
• buy a water softener because the one in the basement doesn't work and our water is terrible
• find a dining room table (found one, just not sure if it's big enough)
• paint the front room and dining room (what color? not sure)
• start hanging pictures and things on the walls!

We want to have a housewarming party and I was aiming for Nov. 13, but we'll see how that goes. Hopefully this week goes quickly because I am already tired!

Pity Party, Table for 1

Well, this is what I get for getting my hopes up. A huge temperature drop and every sign that my period is just around the corner. For good measure I took an HPT this morning. Just a nail in the proverbial coffin, I suppose - I had to see the concrete proof that once again, I am not pregnant.

Things looked so different this time around that I was sure - as was everyone else in my little internet bubble - that this was it. Last night I went to Old Navy while waiting on an oil change and they had Bengals onesies. My internal monologue: "Should I or shouldn't I?...I could always bring it back...this must be a sign!" So I bought it, thinking it would be so great to give it to my husband to tell him we were pregnant. I knew better, but I couldn't help myself.

This morning my husband got up after I did - after I'd already been devastated by the results on the thermometer and the lonely single pink line on the test. He had no clue that there was any possibility I was pregnant because I don't tell him most of the details. He started telling me about a stupid dream he had that I cheated on him and how mad he was when he woke up. And then he hugged me like he does every morning, and I said to his shoulder, "So... I'm not pregnant again." And I cried and told him how I really thought I was... and he said all the appropriate things about how it will happen for us, and how he loves me. He made a joke about the guy from his dream that I had "cheated" with (a former coworker of ours) in an attempt to get me to smile, and I said, "Even he has a baby. Why do all the idiots get babies?!" and cried some more.

And then I spent my 40 minute commute trying not to cry. And then came to work and tried not to cry. And then busied myself enough so that I wasn't near tears anymore, and then I came to write this post because I had to get it out somewhere... and I'm trying not to cry again.

I don't know how some women do this for so long. I really don't. Cycle #4, here I come...

"I never thought I'd end up here/Never thought I'd be standing where I am/I guess I kind of thought that it would be easier than this/I guess I was wrong now, one more time... Where will this end, it goes on and on/Over and over, and over again/Keep spinning around, I know that it won't stop/'Til I step down from this for good...Sick cycle carousel/This is a sick cycle carousel..." -Lifehouse

The roller coaster continues

Today my temp went back up. I was determined not to test today, so maybe tomorrow or Saturday I'll try again. I have been feeling pretty crappy the last couple of days - dizzy and starving all the time. And I fell asleep on the couch last night at 9:00 and woke up feeling like I'd been hibernating for a year (though that isn't totally unheard of for me, lol). I hope it's not all in my head...or that I'm coming down with the flu or something. That would just be a cruel trick.

Confession: I haven't mentioned anything to my hubby yet because 1 - I think I'm afraid that if I say it out loud, I'll jinx it, and 2 - I don't want to get his hopes up if it's all for nothing. I typically don't tell him much about when I am going to O, when I expect my period, etc. so if it happens it will be a total surprise I think!

In cart before the horse news, I have started looking at "big cousin" onesies for my niece and my "still baking" niece on cafepress.com because that's how I plan to tell my sister and my sister-in-law. And maybe our parents too, if I can get everyone together... then I yell at myself for getting ahead of things. One day at a time...

"We're on this roller coaster ride/Hold on I'll stay here by your side/We head up to the sky then we slide back down..." - Sugar Ray

I caved...FML.

I had 10 internet cheapie HPTs that came with my OPKs, so I caved and dipped one this morning at 10DPO because I knew I would once again spend all day agonizing over, "Am I? No? Yes? Maybe!?"

Of course it was negative. It made me feel both better and worse. Better because I am no longer obsessing about whether I'm pregnant, and worse because... well I'm not pregnant. The mantra on the message board I frequent is, "You're not out 'til Aunt Flo shows," and techincally it could be too soon to turn a test, but deep down I know it's not happening. My temp went down a little today, and I'm expecting it will head south again tomorrow.

I give so much credit to the girls who have been doing this for months and months. Three months in and I am ready to throw in the towel. We've had good timing the past two months, and the fear is creeping in that there is something medically wrong with one of us.

Pity party confession: I am avoiding my pregnant sister-in-law. Every time I hear about the baby kicking or see her pregnant belly I feel like I might have a panic attack. And yet I volunteered to throw her a shower at my house, and continue to tell her that if she needs help with the nursery to let me know. I feel like such a faker.

I think a mental health day is in order soon... or better yet, I wish we could afford a vacation...

Yikes, spikes!

This morning my basal temp jumped - higher than it's ever been, in fact. At this point in the game I am usually on a downward slope as temps go, meaning I am out of the baby game. But this temp - it is freaking me out and giving me a sense of hope that I pray isn't in vain. I wish I had a fast forward button for the rest of the week. Depending on what my temps do, I may be testing soon. When depends on how the temps hold up and how long I can stand it. Needless to say, I am a total waste of space at work today!

"Sometimes, I get so tense/But I can't speed up the time...All we need is just a little patience." - G&R

The obsessing resumes

Last month I was not very hopeful about my chances of getting pregnant. I'm not sure why, I was just a little more laid back about it. It was kind of nice. Disappointing when it wasn't a winning cycle, but still not completely devastating.

Cue this month - cycle #3. My first two cycles of taking my temp and charting I ovulated on days 20 and 21, respectively. This month my O day crept up on me - CD 14. And as luck would have it, we had decent timing in the sex department without even trying (since I had no clue I was about to O). My chart looks completely different so far this month, and I have no idea what to make of it. Thus the obsessing.

Vitamin C - it's not just for flu season

I have a theory about the completely different cycle this month. I could be way off, and I am certainly not a doctor, but found some interesting information thanks to my BFF Google. I had taken Ester C supplements (vitamin C that doesn't make my acid reflux-prone tummy upset) for many months. I stopped taking it a few months ago because I ran out of coupons and there weren't the usual flu season BOGO sales at Kroger. And I'm cheap. Recently I resumed taking it because I work on a college campus and the kids carry more germs than a toddler in daycare (and I used to work in a toddler room at a daycare, so I know.) But I digress.

Stick with me here. When I Oed on CD 20 and 21, my luteal phase (LP) was 11-12 days. Which isn't in the dangerously short range that prevents implantation, but it isn't exactly a great length either (less than 10 days is cause for concern). On a whim I Googled "vitamin C and luteal phase" and found several articles like this one linked to a study: Vitamin C Increases Fertility in Women with Luteal Phase Defect.

I really have no way of knowing if this is true for me. If this cycle is another no-go, it will be interesting to see when I ovulate next month if I continue taking the supplements. In the meantime, I'm just playing the waiting game for another week to see where it takes me. Hopefully to Babyland!

All about me!

Thanks to Mrs. B for tagging me in her most recent post. Apparently I am now supposed to share seven things about myself and tag 15 others... but unfortunately I don't follow many other blogs yet and she tagged a few I already subscribe to! So I guess I'll just be vain and focus only on myself.

1 - I am more of a cat person than a dog person. Dogs are so demanding and in your face!

2 - I am extremely anal about grammar and spelling. My degree is in journalism and I am usually the go-to proofreader at any job I have (per Murphy's Law, I will inevitably misspell something in this post).

3 - I am currently taking a sign language class at the college I work for. It's always fascinated me, and I hope it will come in handy in the Disability Services office where I work. (I took one quarter in undergrad, but lost most of it because I never used it.)

4 - I like to make up my own silly lyrics to songs. Like to Rascal Flatts "What Hurts the Most" - every time it comes on I sing, "What hurts the most... Is eating burnt toast".

5 - I have a serious shoe and purse problem. When we moved, my brother-in-law said, "I think I carried in at least five huge boxes that said 'shoes'." Yup. You sure did.

6 - I have a huge extended family. My mom has six sisters and one brother and I have tons of cousins and second cousins. They are loud and crazy and I love it.

7 - I love tradition. I don't do well with change when it comes to things like Christmas and Thanksgiving because I love spending time with my family and having everything the same as it was when I was growing up.

So that's all about me! In other news, we brought our cat home to our new house last night. I'm not sure who was more traumatized - her or me. We kept trying to get her in the cardboard cat carrier and she kept freaking out and squeezing out of it. We'd catch her and try to put her back in only to have her escape again. I felt so bad!

Finally we just wrapped her in a beach towel and my husband held her, wrapped up like a little kitty burrito, and she cried pitifully all the way home. I was afraid she would be mad and hide for days like she did when we took her to my mom's, but she spent awhile exploring the house and when I woke up this morning she was curled up in bed with me. I seriously almost cried! She never sleeps with us because she usually attacks us in our sleep or cries or wreaks some kind of havoc. But I had to leave the door open so the a/c unit from the spare room would circulate in our room. (By the way, no one should need a/c in October in Ohio.)

So I am very thankful that our little family is all together under one roof again.

Weekend house progress: Ripped the disgusting gray 70s shag carpet out of the closet in the spare room all by myself! Had to pull up the tack strips and staples and my knees are killing me but it was worth it - the hardwoods underneath are in decent shape and I got lots of clothes put away. Now we just have to clear out the rest of the room so we can get the remaining carpet out. Here's a pic of the spare room before it was full of stuff:

I need a junk food intervention

If it's true that you are what you eat, I am an unhealthy mess. Which may not be wholly inaccurate these days between moving and TTC. Since this week has been spent moving our stuff into the new house and painting, unpacking, etc., my eating habits have been absolutely deplorable. My husband usually cooks fantastic meals when we're at home, and we eat plenty of veggies, whole grains, chicken, etc. In stark contrast, here is my dinner menu from the past week:

• Sunday - Dairy Queen coney dog
• Monday - chili
• Tuesday - hot dog (totally forgot that's essentially what I had Sunday)
• Wednesday - Wendy's cheeseburger combo meal (I did get a Diet Coke though...)
• Thursday - an oatmeal cookie (I wish I were kidding.)

I am actually borderline embarassed about that list. But not embarrassed enough to keep me from admitting I am sitting here eating Sour Patch Watermelons at 10:00 a.m.

And speaking of being a mess, I had a horrifying dream this morning about a plane crashing in the field behind my parents' house. After it crashed, I was supposed to get on a plane from the same airline and ended up panicking and running off the plane, at which point I woke up with my heart pounding out of my chest. Interpretation via Google and one of those dream interpretation websites:

"To dream that a plane crashes, suggests that you have set overly high and unrealistic goals for yourself.  Your goals may be too high and are impossible to realize. You are in danger of having it come crashing down. Alternatively, your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt toward the goals you have set for yourself is represented by the crashing airplane; you do not believe in your ability to attain those goals. Loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified."

Well. That's pretty much spot on, now isn't it? I'm afraid of not being able to get pregnant, and I am afraid we have bitten off more than we can chew with this house. Especially after my husband destroyed the bathroom while I went to Walmart (while it definitely needed redone, it was not on my "things that need done immediately" list, that's for sure).

Here's a before and after:

I immediately blew up at him, but have since cooled off and just told him, "Fix it." He should have plenty of time since I am insisting that we finally move into the house for good this weekend.

Holy TGIF! And in honor of a new month and the cool temperatures here, some lyrics:

"Summer has come and passed...Wake me up when September ends." - Green Day

"We watch the season pull up its own stakes/And catch the last weekend of the last week/Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced/Another sun soaked season fades away..." - Dashboard Confessional