Pity Party, Table for 1

Well, this is what I get for getting my hopes up. A huge temperature drop and every sign that my period is just around the corner. For good measure I took an HPT this morning. Just a nail in the proverbial coffin, I suppose - I had to see the concrete proof that once again, I am not pregnant.

Things looked so different this time around that I was sure - as was everyone else in my little internet bubble - that this was it. Last night I went to Old Navy while waiting on an oil change and they had Bengals onesies. My internal monologue: "Should I or shouldn't I?...I could always bring it back...this must be a sign!" So I bought it, thinking it would be so great to give it to my husband to tell him we were pregnant. I knew better, but I couldn't help myself.

This morning my husband got up after I did - after I'd already been devastated by the results on the thermometer and the lonely single pink line on the test. He had no clue that there was any possibility I was pregnant because I don't tell him most of the details. He started telling me about a stupid dream he had that I cheated on him and how mad he was when he woke up. And then he hugged me like he does every morning, and I said to his shoulder, "So... I'm not pregnant again." And I cried and told him how I really thought I was... and he said all the appropriate things about how it will happen for us, and how he loves me. He made a joke about the guy from his dream that I had "cheated" with (a former coworker of ours) in an attempt to get me to smile, and I said, "Even he has a baby. Why do all the idiots get babies?!" and cried some more.

And then I spent my 40 minute commute trying not to cry. And then came to work and tried not to cry. And then busied myself enough so that I wasn't near tears anymore, and then I came to write this post because I had to get it out somewhere... and I'm trying not to cry again.

I don't know how some women do this for so long. I really don't. Cycle #4, here I come...

"I never thought I'd end up here/Never thought I'd be standing where I am/I guess I kind of thought that it would be easier than this/I guess I was wrong now, one more time... Where will this end, it goes on and on/Over and over, and over again/Keep spinning around, I know that it won't stop/'Til I step down from this for good...Sick cycle carousel/This is a sick cycle carousel..." -Lifehouse