Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I caved...FML.

I had 10 internet cheapie HPTs that came with my OPKs, so I caved and dipped one this morning at 10DPO because I knew I would once again spend all day agonizing over, "Am I? No? Yes? Maybe!?"

Of course it was negative. It made me feel both better and worse. Better because I am no longer obsessing about whether I'm pregnant, and worse because... well I'm not pregnant. The mantra on the message board I frequent is, "You're not out 'til Aunt Flo shows," and techincally it could be too soon to turn a test, but deep down I know it's not happening. My temp went down a little today, and I'm expecting it will head south again tomorrow.

I give so much credit to the girls who have been doing this for months and months. Three months in and I am ready to throw in the towel. We've had good timing the past two months, and the fear is creeping in that there is something medically wrong with one of us.

Pity party confession: I am avoiding my pregnant sister-in-law. Every time I hear about the baby kicking or see her pregnant belly I feel like I might have a panic attack. And yet I volunteered to throw her a shower at my house, and continue to tell her that if she needs help with the nursery to let me know. I feel like such a faker.

I think a mental health day is in order soon... or better yet, I wish we could afford a vacation...

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