It just comes natural

Sometimes deep thoughts occur to me out of the blue on my 40 minute commute (because what else am I going to do but curse other drivers and sing along at the top of my lungs to my Glee CD). Today it hit me - why it is that I am struggling so much to control TTC. The fact is that in the past, things have naturally come to me with very little effort on my part. I don't mean that in a conceited way. It's just... true.

For example:

• I was first chair in band for many years with minimal practice (that means #1 in your instrument's section for those of you who weren't band nerds)
• I got the lead in the school musical my senior year (man, I'm really starting to sound like a nerd)
• I got a 36 in English on my ACTs (and nerdier still...)
• I applied to one college and got in, early admission, to a somewhat selective program
• I have long procrastinated writing assignments until the last minute, and inevitably been praised for my great work. (The nerd alarm is off the charts!)

That is not to say that my life has been without challenges. Trust me, I've dealt with some doozies over the years. But that's another story for another time. The bottom line is that when something doesn't come easily to me, I don't know how to handle it. When I am met with the unknown or unexpected, one of two things happen: I panic (included some bonafide panic attacks and physical maladies at times) or I take charge (I am actually a pretty good person to have around in a crisis thanks to category two). But it seems TTC has fallen into that second category as well, with a side of category one.

I know it's not unusual, but I am obsessed with all of the processes and timing that go along with it. It is hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I cannot control something and that there is some work involved in this. I'm trying to let go a little and maybe I will over time, but I think part of it is just who I am.

My mom has pointed out that I will be the total opposite of my sister when I am a parent. My sister is so laid back with my niece and just goes with the flow. I will be the control freak that is afraid to let anyone else care for my child and sanitizes and baby proofs everything.

So for now, I need to focus on some deep breathing and take the advice of the Beatles:

"Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be..."

Clicking my ruby red heels

Last night was my first visit to our new house since closing two days ago. My hubby didn't go with me (he is so nonchalant about this whole thing!) so I had awhile just to wander the house by myself. I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that it is OUR house.  After a year of searching, the ups and downs of trying to sell our condo, having a buyer fall through, then a renter fall through... it was really surreal.

His stepdad and brother were awesome enough to move almost all of our stuff into the house while we were at work yesterday, so I started arranging some furniture and realized we are going to need to buy a lot more! Our old condo was so small that our furniture barely puts a dent in the big rooms in this house. It's an amazing problem to have!

The previous homeowners left a gift on the counter (wine, pasta, sauce and bread), which I thought was very sweet:

Too bad they left red wine - that's my hubby's favorite but I prefer sweet whites (riesling, moscato). Guess I'll have to get my own bottle!

At closing, the wife was very emotional about the sale. She said how much they had loved the house - that it was their first home together, where they brought their babies home. It made me a little emotional, too, because of course I hope it is where we will bring our own babies home.

It was hard to go back to the inlaws' to sleep last night - I'm going to spend all my free time unpacking and organizing so we can be moved in this weekend. (I've never been the kind of person who can live out of boxes. I've gotta get it all done NOW!) I will try to post pics as we do some projects and paint to make it our own.

In the words of one Dorothy Gayle from Kansas, "There's no place like home..."

What is your favorite thing about your home?

Let me go home...

Michael Bublé has inspired my post yet again today. "Another summer day has come and gone away... but I want to go home/Let me go home..."

I have been living with my in-laws for going on two weeks now, and it will likely be another two or three until we close on our house. The current occupants of the house are me and my husband, his brother and sister-in-law (who is pregnant) while they finish work on their new house, his mom and stepdad, and four large dogs. Honestly, it hasn't been so bad because we are rarely all there/awake at the same time, but it just isn't home. Some of the things I can't wait for when we move out:

1. Doing my own laundry. I am very picky about laundry and I don't dry most of my shirts. When we're home even my husband doesn't touch my laundry because he's afraid of doing something wrong. After doing a load of laundry the other day, I accidentally left the hamper downstairs by the washer, and my husband's stepdad took it upon himself to help out. He shrunk a shirt I bought two weeks ago and I had to go buy a replacement. And I am also missing a brown cardigan from Gap that I'm sure his stepdad has picked up in one of his borderline OCD cleaning frenzies.

2. Having my cat back. She is currently living with my parents because the four large dogs (two that live at the house, two belonging to my BIL and SIL) would probably eat her. When we were moving out of our condo she spent a day cowering in the bathtub, so I didn't want to subject her to more trauma. I miss my furbaby.

3. Not being afraid I look like a clown when I leave the house. The lighting in our bathroom is less than desireable, and I put my makeup on every morning fearing I have missed some streaks of foundation or mascara or have drawn my eyeliner an inch under my eye. And speaking of bathrooms...

4. Being able to brush my teeth in the morning without worrying about catching my brother-in-law in his underwear (or worse). The bathroom is all mine in the morning until about 5 minutes before I leave for work, which is when I brush my teeth. It's also the exact time my BIL gets in the shower. Eek!

5. Having access to my entire wardrobe. Every closet in the in-laws' house is crammed with my MIL's clothes. So our stuff - what we thought we would need for a few weeks - is on a long hanging clothes rack in our bedroom. (Ok, let's be honest - by "our stuff" I mean "my stuff". It's kinda hard to downsize from a walk-in closet to a rack. The hubby's clothes are in a pile on a trunk.)

6. Getting to control the remote. I guess I don't really get to control the remote when it's just the two of us either, but at least I can DVR what I want without worrying about conflicting with everyone else's shows recording and worrying that someone will cancel or delete such important staples as Gossip Girl and Glee.

I am eternally grateful to them for letting us stay with them. Because we have renters in our condo, we are pretty much mortgage and bill-free until we move. But I need my life back!

“You'll see when you move out - it just sort of happens one day, one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.” - Garden State

I should have named this blog "The Soundtrack of My Life"

I've always been all about song lyrics. When people ask about my favorite bands, I have a hard time choosing because I like a lot of songs by a lot of artists. Everything from country to pop to R&B, it doesn't matter as long as it has great lyrics (or sometimes just if it's catchy enough!) So you'll see them throughout my posts because so often the songwriters can convey exactly what I'm thinking or feeling on any given day so much better than I can.

I just came across this one today, and I felt like it was appropriate for the journey I'm on right now, as well as all the other ladies trying to start (or expand) their families.

"Hold On" - Michael Bublé

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones.
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,
but luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend,
and in the end, when life has got you down,
you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around.

So hold on to me tight,
hold on to me tonight.
We are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
So hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart,
but it's no one's fault, no it's not my fault.
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,
but I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see.
I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz it's you and me together,
and baby all we've got is time.
So hold on to me,
hold on to me tonight.

There's so many dreams that we have given up.
Take a look at all we've got,
and with this kind of love,
and what we've got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz we are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
Just hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.
Hold on to me, it's gonna be alright.
Hold on to me tonight.

They always say, we were the lucky ones.

Click for the song - because I don't know how to embed a video :o)

Being a pseudo mommy is hard work!

My niece is the best baby in the world. She is going on 9 months old, and is the happiest child I have ever encountered! She wakes up from naps smiling, and I can count the times I've heard her cry on one hand (well, except when she was first born and colicky).

My mom and I took her to a festival while my sister worked on Saturday, and I have to say that I was suddenly aware of how much work it is to take a baby out in public! First we gathered all of her gear (Does she need to eat before we get back? Has she had her medicine? Where's her jacket?). When we got there we had to figure out how to unfold the stroller. Turns out this is way harder than you might imagine, and we had to call my sister for instructions. (My mom says she wishes she would have been videoing my attempts because it was YouTube worthy.) At that point I also became very aware I am going to need a bigger car when I have my own baby, because there is no way I will be able to fit a stroller in my 2-door hatchback, let alone a carseat. At the festival we had to navigate and off-road through the craft tents that were in the grass, and ultimately I didn't get to enjoy all my usual festival treats because she got a little fussy and fell asleep. So just to confirm, life is more difficult with a baby. But how freaking adorable is she??

On another positive note, my hubby and I got down to some serious baby-making this weekend, and it looks like today could be my ovulation day. I used an ovulation test and while it wasn't positive, it was the first actual noticeable line I've ever gotten! If only I'd taken one yesterday I may have actually seen a +.

Today's lyrics, courtesy of Jimmy Eat World:
"It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright..."

(It's not often that I'm a glass half full kinda girl, so take it while you can get it!)

The calm after the storm

Somehow, amazingly, today I am calm about the baby thing. Last night we found out my sister-in-law is having a girl. I cried because I want a girl and because she got pregnant without trying. And then I had a great conversation with my husband about how it will happen for us and he offered his suggestions for being able to have more sex (turns out he is tired right before bed when I often initiate and thinks we will do much better at other times of the day - that I can do!). And today I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off me.

I wanted to share a website that I have love love loved for a long time - storypeople.com. They have a collection of one-liners that always strike a chord with me. You can order prints, send them as ecards. Some are funny, some make me cry. Here are some of my favorites that ring true today:

Weight Training
"This is a giant block of whatever is most difficult for you to carry & trust me on this, you'll carry it more times than you can count until you decide that's exactly what you want to do most & then it won't weigh a thing anymore."

Mr. Right
"He loved her for almost everything she was & she decided that was enough to let him stay for a very long time."

And one I can't wait to add to my Bump signature and nursery:

Such Small Things
"For a long time there were only your footprints & laughter in our dreams & even from such small things, we knew we could not wait to love you forever."

Happy Friday!

No sex = no baby

I am 99.99% sure I am out this cycle, with two weeks to go before it all starts again. I coerced my husband into sex on Tuesday night, but he wasn't able to "finish"... something that happened last month too. Judging by my basal temps, I probably ovulated either that day or the day after, and we haven't done it since. News flash for those who aren't up on their middle school sex ed: no sex = no baby.

I am really upset. Two months in a row, he has felt pressured and hasn't been able to do it when it matters. It's one thing to have a failed cycle when you're doing everything you can, but I feel like "Why bother?" I'm taking ovulation tests, taking my temperature every morning and trying everything I can to make this successful. But what if this problem continues? It's totally mental on his part, because we had sex twice over the previous weekend with no problems. This is only our second cycle of trying, but I am not sure how to overcome this. I've tried initiating sex not during a fertile time too, but that's not working.

My sister-in-law and brother-in-law find out tonight what the sex of their baby is. We are all living with my inlaws while we wait on our new houses, and I just don't know if I can handle it. She wants me to be pregnant with her (which obviously I want too), and last month she gave me a hopeful, "Any luck this month?" The next month or two are going to result in lots of blue or pink presents and her shower (she wants an outdoor/bonfire shower). And with every moment of joy for her, I am going to have to fight the urge to cry.

So much for the wonderful miracle of making a baby. This sucks.

My ugly green monster

Living with my inlaws is difficult enough (they are awesome, don't get me wrong... it's just not "home") with 6 people and 4 big dogs. But when one of those 6 people is my pregnant sister-in-law, it makes it a little more difficult for me. We are only 2 months into our TTC journey, but this is something we've been thinking and talking about for months. And for me, something I've wanted for as long as I can remember. My SIL got pregnant on birth control. Yep, that's right. One of those. I am extremely happy and excited for them. But at the risk of coming off as a selfish bitch, I am struggling with being so up close with her pregnancy. Thursday they find out the sex of the baby and I am positive I am going to cry. Both out of joy and out of jealousy.

Here's my secret confession: I remember watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 and hearing Kate say she "just knew" conceiving wasn't going to happen easily for her. Opinions on the Gosselins aside, I feel this nagging feeling in the dark corners of my brain that says the same thing: "You're going to have trouble getting pregnant." Maybe it's just the pessimist in me. Maybe not.

My SIL wants me to be pregnant with her, and obviously there is nothing I want more. So for now I'm putting on a happy face and hoping for the best. Come on baby... we're all waiting for you!

Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and stressin'...

Moving is stressful enough in and of itself, but when you have to move with about two weeks' notice and move in with your inlaws for an unknown amount of time until you close on your house... yikes. We are renting our condo to people who had to move in before we close on our new house, so we have to be out by Thursday of this week. I feel like we've done nothing but pack for days, but somehow there's still so much to be done.

So in this most stressful of times, I am trying to not stress. Easier said than done, of course. Last month I was majorly stressed about starting TTC, with my husband feeling I was 'using' him and having some *ahem* performance issues around what I thought was my O time. It looks like I actually O'd later (probably due to said stress), resulting in the longest cycle I've ever had. I don't want that to happen again this month so I keep reminding myself to take deep breaths. And not strangle anyone.

Steps to TTC while living at your inlaws':

1. Conceal OPKs/HPTs in a fabric cosmetic bag and tuck into plastic container with tampons. Who's going to snoop in there?
2. Hide BBT in the nightstand under a few strategically placed items.
3. Store PNVs in work bag, and keep a few in a container in purse to take every night. (Any vitamin can be pink - right?)
4. Hope that O time hits when no one's around to question why you're locked in the bedroom every night.