Friday, September 24, 2010

It just comes natural

Sometimes deep thoughts occur to me out of the blue on my 40 minute commute (because what else am I going to do but curse other drivers and sing along at the top of my lungs to my Glee CD). Today it hit me - why it is that I am struggling so much to control TTC. The fact is that in the past, things have naturally come to me with very little effort on my part. I don't mean that in a conceited way. It's just... true.

For example:
  • I was first chair in band for many years with minimal practice (that means #1 in your instrument's section for those of you who weren't band nerds)
  • I got the lead in the school musical my senior year (man, I'm really starting to sound like a nerd)
  • I got a 36 in English on my ACTs (and nerdier still...)
  • I applied to one college and got in, early admission, to a somewhat selective program
  • I have long procrastinated writing assignments until the last minute, and inevitably been praised for my great work. (The nerd alarm is off the charts!)
That is not to say that my life has been without challenges. Trust me, I've dealt with some doozies over the years. But that's another story for another time. The bottom line is that when something doesn't come easily to me, I don't know how to handle it. When I am met with the unknown or unexpected, one of two things happen: I panic (included some bonafide panic attacks and physical maladies at times) or I take charge (I am actually a pretty good person to have around in a crisis thanks to category two). But it seems TTC has fallen into that second category as well, with a side of category one.

I know it's not unusual, but I am obsessed with all of the processes and timing that go along with it. It is hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I cannot control something and that there is some work involved in this. I'm trying to let go a little and maybe I will over time, but I think part of it is just who I am.

My mom has pointed out that I will be the total opposite of my sister when I am a parent. My sister is so laid back with my niece and just goes with the flow. I will be the control freak that is afraid to let anyone else care for my child and sanitizes and baby proofs everything.

So for now, I need to focus on some deep breathing and take the advice of the Beatles:

"Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be..."

1 comment:

  1. I agree. While I may not have the same scholastic talents that you do (I was more "average"), I am type A in my efforts. I like to be in charge, in control.

    TTC has become stressful, it's not like I thought it would be. And we are only on cycle #2!

    Here is hoping you get a BFP soon.