Today I am angry. My temps have pretty much flatlined which is odd, so I caved and took an internet cheapie HPT this morning. BFN, which made me feel oddly calm at the time. That one single line meant I could stop obsessing and wondering, "What if?!" and questioning every slight twinge in my body. I know that 10DPO is "early" statistically speaking, but with an LP of 11-12 days every month I've been charting temps, I fully expect AF to show up sometime in the next 48 hours.
That calm lasted until I got in the car and had a 40 minute commute to ponder the unfairness of life. I know in the grand scheme of things my life is good and I shouldn't complain. I know we've only been trying for 4 months. But I've wanted to be a mom since I was, oh, I don't know... like 5 years old. And for the life of me I can't figure out why the forces of the universe are so against that.
I am not a deeply religious person. I grew up Catholic, but as I got older I took issue with some of the practices and teachings of the church, and I never really felt connected. I still go to church with my parents on holidays, and sometimes I feel a sense of peace just from being in that familiar setting. My husband and I tried going to a couple of churches last year with friends and family, and they weren't really a good fit either. That being said, I do still consider myself a spiritual person - I believe in a higher power, and I talk to God every morning and night. I thank him for the blessings in my life and ask him to take care of the people I care about.
But now...now I am really struggling. I am trying to trust that things will happen when they are meant to happen, but I just don't understand how so many people around me get pregnant accidentally or with so little effort. And why this thing I want more than anything in the world is the thing I can't have. Sure, I'm probably not getting pregnant because my husband and I aren't having enough sex, and at the right times. But why can't that happen? Why does this have to be so difficult for us? And not just us - so many of the awesome ladies on my message board who hope and pray and try and get the same results I do: a single, ugly line staring back at them on an HPT.
So what is it, God? Do you want me to go to church? Are you punishing me for the years of my life I threw away making bad decisions? Are you teaching me that you can't just ask and get what you want in life? Reminding me that I should be grateful for the blessings I do have? I'm trying to have faith, but today I am failing and my heart hurts.
So God, give me the strength to get through today and the patience I need to wait for a beautiful little baby to come into our lives.
Today's song lyrics come thanks to my morning jam session with my Glee CD, and have a special meaning to me because I played Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz my senior year of high school:
"Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue/and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true/Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me/Where troubles melt like lemon drops/away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me... Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly/birds fly over the rainbow/why, then oh why can't I?"