Let me start by saying I love my mom. I talk to her almost every day, and tell her almost everything. I say "almost" because she doesn't know that we are TTC. I think it's a combination of not wanting to get the constant questions/wondering from her, combined with wanting to surprise her and my dad when we do get pregnant.
Well, it seems it is definitely going to be a surprise. Saturday I was talking to her on the phone and we were discussing how I plan to get a new vehicle when my husband's car is paid off next year. I have had the same car for 9 years and it is getting up there in miles. It also is a small two-door that has no cargo room, and I am pretty positive I couldn't even fit a carseat in the back seat. So I was discussing with my mom whether I would want a four-door car (I love the Mazda 3 and 6) or a small SUV. She asks the inevitable question: "Well, are you planning to have kids?"
I say, "Hopefully, someday." (I feel this was truthful.)
She says, "Well, I just wonder about you sometimes."
WTF?
She goes on to tell me that my grandmother recently told her she didn't know if she could see me with kids. And then adds that when she was talking to a woman she has known for many years at the college I used to work at (where my mom still works), this woman says, "Oh no, I couldn't see (MillerTime) having kids." My mom then says my husband and I "want an awful lot" in life. I really have no clue what this means. We don't have plans to travel the world or go sky diving. Or move to a studio apartment in a big city. We just got married last year and upgraded to a 3-bedroom house with a playhouse in the back yard in a family-friendly neighborhood, for heaven's sake.
I just don't get it, and my feelings were hurt. Last year when my mom found out my sister was pregnant (which did not go over well because my sister has a lot of issues, isn't married, etc.) she told me she hesitated to tell me because she thought I'd be upset because she knew I wanted kids. I don't get how that has changed. For years whenever I've held my cousins' babies, my mom has remarked, "You really like babies, don't you?" because she has never been a "baby person". Since my niece was born last December, I have spoiled the crap out of her and make a beeline to pick her up whenever we're visiting. I have talked many times about being a preschool or kindergarten teacher (I worked at a daycare for a year). So what is it about me that says to everyone, "Hey this chick shouldn't have kids!"?
My mom has made comments in the past when I was taking care of my niece that she "can't see me with a baby" because I'm "too intense." I admit it - I'll probably be one of those moms who freak out about every little thing and want my baby on a strict schedule and won't want anyone else to watch him/her. Maybe a little Kate Gosselin-esque...without all the plastic surgery and tabloid fodder. But I will also spoil my baby to pieces and love him/her so much I can't even put it into words.
It probably didn't help that this conversation fell on the eve of the end of my fourth cycle of TTC. But I guess I'll just show 'em all when I finally get pregnant!
"You're entitled to your opinion/But it's really my decision/I can't stop now I'm on a mission/If you care don't you dare blur my vision/Let me be all that I can be/Don't smother me with negativity/Whatever's out there waiting for me/I'm gonna face it willingly..." - Joss Stone
Aww. Sorry MT. Don't let others make you feel like you have to justify why you want kids. You know you will be a great mom and that is all that matters.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you have to deal with those comments, especially when they're coming from someone so close to you.
ReplyDeleteI've had comments like that come my way in the past, and it is really hurtful to hear, especially since we've been trying since January.... (of 2008). :(
People really have just gone on to assume that since we don't have kids yet, we never will because I've never really projected myself as all that maternal, but kids were never really a thought for me until about 3-4 years ago, because prior to that, I was a kid (or at least I felt that way), and so I lived, never thinking too far in to the future....... so I guess that they assume that I'm still that child, and that I'm just not the mother type because I never was before... but they don't THINK of any other possible reason why we don't have children yet.... they just assume it's a personality trait.
Ugh..If they only knew. Of course, they don't know we've been TTC or that we've been struggling, and I'm sure if I told them all their views would change... but knowing my family.. I'm not really sure I want all their views either, and so we just keep trucking along as is.
Sorry this is such a long comment, you just got me thinkin'. :)
(Ya Never Know)