A Letter to Amelia

I have actually been writing letters to my future children since I was in high school. Only a couple, mind you, but my mom wrote me a letter for my first birthday and I thought it was pretty cool when I read it years later. In the midst of the chaos of Amelia's first seven weeks of life, I took the time to write one to her and I thought I would share it.

To my sweet baby girl:

This first month or so of being your mommy has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Before you got here Mommy loved to sleep! And I haven't gotten to do nearly as much of that. And when I do you are often sleeping too - on my chest. You have cried a lot because your tummy hurts and it's so hard when I don't know how to help you.

But I am watching you "talk" to your Glo Worm now and it makes me smile - just like you have started to. And I put my thumb up to your tiny little feet and realize they are almost the same size. I get tears in my eyes when I remember cupping your fuzzy little head in the palm of my hand when you were first born because I know you're already growing so much and I am realizing everyone is right when they say I will miss these days. I just wanted to tell you that I love you already and I always will. I can't believe I am a mommy, but I am so happy and blessed to be yours.

Somewhere Out There...

I humbly apologize for being MIA lately. Mommyhood has been all-consuming, as Amelia is what we will call a "high maintenance" baby. Since day one we have had tummy troubles, and she never wants to be put down. I think it's a combo of colic/reflux. We did finally get her on Zantac last Friday and after a terrible day of screaming (her) and crying (me) two days ago, things are a little calmer and she is actually sleeping for a bit in her Rock n Play now.

I have stopped breast feeding, which was a difficult choice for me even though it wasn't something I ever honestly liked doing. Since I couldn't put her down I wasn't able to pump much, so I was the only one who could ever feed her and it was very stressful for me. She seemed to be in more pain with her stomach issues after BFing, so I thought it was for the best for both of us.

Other than that, I need to work on transitioning her to sleeping somewhere other than on me on the couch or recliner at night... I miss my bed, and the current arrangement isn't going to fly when I go back to work in three weeks *tear*. I should note that while she is sleeping on me at night she actually does pretty well with only getting up once or twice a night to eat - I'm hoping this continues when she's not attached to me like a little koala baby (see below).

She is stirring, so I'm going to try to add a couple of pics (in reverse chronological order) for now and I swear I'll be back again someday! Hard to believe she will be one month old tomorrow!

Trying out her playmat for the first time yesterday

Excited to watch her first Bengals game

How we sleep a lot

Mommyhood 101

Things I have learned in the past week or so:

- I miss sleeping in a bed, laying down. Four hours of sleep sitting up on the couch with a baby on my chest is the new "sleeping in."

- Having a newborn is harder than I ever imagined. I am genuinely second guessing having another child even though I've always wanted more than one.

- Receiving blankets will catch on fire if microwaved for too long. (I guess that's why the nurses suggested putting them in the dryer to try to calm her tummy...)

- Showers are a glorious commodity.

- Just when I think we've got it figured out - nope. Nice try.

- When you're looking for something to watch other than infomercials at 4am, there are only a handful of channels to choose from (including Food Network, ESPN, and Fox in case you're curious).

- My mom is awesome. I wouldn't have survived this long without her help.

- I liken breastfeeding to The Da Vinci Code - seriously, why is it so hard to figure out? I doubt cave people had La Leche League to help them.

- Apparently I will miss these sleepless days and nights when they are gone, according to every mom out there.

Hello, world!

Rundown of early labor:
Saturday, Aug. 20 - lost MP around 8:30 am. I'll spare you the details...
Sunday, Aug. 21 - was at the grocery store when I felt "something" - more mucus, tinged pink. Had some crampy feelings all day.
Monday, Aug. 22 - woke up around 1:00 am (thanks to the cat coughing up a hairball). Definite contractions. Went back to sleep until 3:00 am and started having contractions about every 10 minutes. I was timing them only by counting and thought they were 15 seconds long. I later got out my watch and it turns out it was more like 30-40 seconds.

I decided to let C sleep and started putting last minute things together into the hospital bag. To kill some timeI decided to assemble the Rock n Play sleeper...and managed to drop a piece on my toe and it started bleeding. The morning was off to a good start.

I slept off and on from 5:30 to 7:20 when I went to wake up C on the couch. Told him I'd been up all night having contractions but they weren't close enough to go to the hospital.  He was very nonchalant. Got ready for work, kissed me on the forehead and was gone. I told him to stay nearby!

Spent rest of morning watching TV, took a shower. I called my OB's office to see what I needed to do after hours and asked which doctor was on call - of course, the one I didn't want. Sigh.

The contractions lasted all day but weren't getting any closer together - about 10 minutes apart. By about 9 p.m., I decided to call the OB when they were about 6.5 minutes apart (thank you handy dandy contraction app). I was told I could come in to the hospital, and we headed out around 9:30. I couldn't believe this was probably it!

We registered in the ER and my mom and dad met us there. I was taken to observation where they checked me and I was told I was 3 cm (as I had been when I was checked the week before) but 90% effaced and they could feel my water "bulging". The OB came in and told them to go ahead and admit me. She had a C section to handle and then would be back to break my water if need be.

Once I was in the room I got a dose of Fentanyl to take the edge off. I was about 4cm at that point. Once it wore off the contractions were getting pretty painful and I was clinging to the hope of the epidural coming soon. My mom was in the room and C was taking a break in the hall. By the time they got out of surgery, I was 6cm and fully effaced. The doctor came and broke my water at that point, which was pretty uncomfortable but took some of the pressure away temporarily. She told me there was meconium in the fluid, so we would need to keep an eye on her when she came out and they would bring a NICU doctor in just in case. The same thing had happened with my niece so I was hoping everything would be ok.

Then the anestesiologist dropped the bomb: "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we aren't going to be able to give you an epidural because of the infection in your leg." (Remember that mole I had taken off? Yeah, still dealing with that.) Apparently if the infection got into my spine I could end up with a spinal abcess, which could mean I could become paralyzed. I couldn't believe it. I'd planned on the epi and I was already in a lot of pain. I had no idea how I was going to do it. They offered more Fentanyl and I think I got it but it did nothing to take the edge off. I was told that if I could get IV antibiotics in my system for an hour I could get the epi but I knew there wasn't enough time. They hooked me up anyway.

Things progressed pretty quickly at that point. To C's credit, he stayed right by me and did amazingly well. I had been really worried about him passing out or not being able to handle the pressure but he was great. I started pushing somewhere around 2 a.m. from what I can piece together. Her head was stuck so they kept checking me and called the doctor because they knew I would either need an episiotomy or the vacuum. (I ended up with the episiotomy.) The rest is kind of a blur, but at 3:09 a.m. our baby girl arrived. They put her on my stomach all slippery and screaming which was good news because of the meconium.

All in all I definitely didn't get the birth I planned on and I would never do it without an epi again given the choice. I give so much credit now to women who choose to go natural!

Here are some pics from the hospital:

Amelia Grace, 7 lbs, 3.8 oz, 20 inches long

Born 8/23/11 at 3:09 a.m.

Headed home

Ok, now I get it

[No clue why there is a good two inches of blank space at the top of this post.]

I have been very blessed by a pretty uneventful pregnancy - no morning sickness, feeling pretty good and having everyone tell me I look great. So when I've read about the pregnant ladies who are SO ready to be done being pregnant, I naively thought, "I'll never say that." I would like to humbly retract that statement.

In all reality, I am still not ready to NOT be pregnant. I've kind of liked it and I feel like I am going to miss it once I have an outside baby. And knowing my little bun is tucked safely inside the oven where I don't have to worry about the millions of things that come with being a new parent is pretty great. But I feel like I am quickly approaching the miserable line.

- My feet are swollen (which is not helped by the fact that my leg, as mentioned here, is still not healed, but that's another story). I wear flip flops to work every day and my feet seem to have permanent lines from the straps.

My feet look like his.

- I can't bend over or roll over without feeling like I'm trying to climb Mount Everest. I dropped an earring under my night stand last night and almost cried because I had no clue how I was going to find it. 

- I feel sick to my stomach and have my reflux flare up on a pretty regular basis and there is NO room for food. My darling husband keeps telling me that if he were pregnant he would eat everything in sight. Unfortunately I have nowhere to put it.

If only I could store food in my cheeks...

- I wake up about six times a night having to switch positions - see above re: rolling over.

- Everything annoys me. Everything. And it usually leads to some sort of emotional meltdown at my husband's expense. Last night the cat puked on the floor as I was sitting with my giant cartoon feet in the recliner, and C was complaining about having to clean it up. I started yelling about how the cat couldn't help it and if he was going to complain about it I would just haul myself in the other room and figure out how to get to the floor and do it myself.

Me.

- I have no clothes that fit. I am rotating through three skirts (same style, different colors), one pair of shorts, and a few dresses. The weather finally cooled off and I tried to wear jeans today - alas, my one pair of maternity jeans wouldn't go past my thighs.

So...to everyone who told me I'd be so over pregnancy at the end, I concede. You're right. I value every day my baby girl stays where she needs to be, and I don't want to rush her in any way, but to quote the lovely Katherine McPhee, "I'm so over it."

*disclaimer* I really, really hope I didn't jinx myself by writing this because I have an appt this afternoon with an ultrasound to double check the baby's growth since my belly measured the same two weeks in a row. The OB wasn't too concerned and I'm interested to see how big she is getting, but I want her to hang out in there for at least another week - Mom's got stuff to do yet!

36 weeks (a little belatedly)

I hadn't done an update in awhile, so I figured why not...

How far along are you?: as of today I am 36w 5days

 

How big is baby? Around 6 lbs if the books are to be believed

Weight gain/loss?: +35-ish lbs

 

Stretch marks?: Miraculously no, but I keep waiting for them to show up.

Maternity clothes?: My wardrobe is very limited these days. I have taken to wearing the hubby's tshirts when I get home from work because so few of mine cover my stomach!

Sleep?: Finally kicking my butt. I wake up every night at 1:30, 3:30, 4:30 and 5:30, and my poor husband has been kind enough to sleep on the couch for much of the past two weeks.

 

Best moment this week?: Realizing there's only a month to go!

Food cravings?: Still fruit - grapes, strawberries, apples...good thing it's summer! 

Gender?: Girl!

 

Movement?: She enjoys shoving body parts into my sides and ribs and rolling all around pretty regularly.

 

Belly button?: Still flat.

 

Symptoms?: Swollen feet. My hands have started getting tingly and my arm falls asleep when when sleep. And I feel like I need a forklift to get me off the couch and out of bed.

 

What do I miss?: Beer. And being able to move like a normal person.

 

Here's my pic from last Saturday at 36 weeks, before my sister's bridal shower at my house.

 

I'm hoping after my SIL's bridal shower Saturday that I will be able to make some headway on final projects/organizing in the nursery. New heat and a/c should be taken care of upstairs in the next couple of weeks, and maybe just maybe I will find a way to get a new vehicle before this baby gets here! She'd better hang in there for a couple more weeks because Mom has a lot to do!

A leg to stand on

In my last post I mentioned that I had had minor surgery on my leg so I thought I would expand a little. It all started with a really dark mole on my left calf that looked suspicious to me. When the opportunity arose for a free skin cancer screening at work several months ago, I took advantage of it. The doctor said that while normally color alone is not cause for concern with a mole, this one WAS very dark and I should probably have a biopsy done. I put it off for a little while, then finally saw a dermotologist at the end of June. They did what they call a punch cut biopsy where they basically cut a hole in my leg that looked pretty awful for a couple of weeks. I have pictures but I'll spare you the grusome details.

When I went back for my follow-up they told me the lab results couldn't rule out melanoma but couldn't confirm it either, so they'd like to get more of it. I was pretty upset because the gaping hole already on my leg looked awful enough and I wasn't sure what to expect. But I ultimately decided to go through with it.

Fast forward to a week ago Friday. I had the surgery on my leg and wasn't given any indication of the amount of pain I would have afterward. Maybe I should have realized when the nurse told me she could "see your muscle" when they were in there. When the numbness from the surgery wore off...holy crap. I spent Saturday and Sunday limping around, and by Monday I could hardly walk. Let me say that I am not a wuss when it comes to pain. I swear. But this was by far the worst pain I've been in in my life. And of course, being pregnant, there is very little I can take in the way of pain medication.

Went back and saw the surgeon on Tuesday. He said I may have been getting an infection due to some drainage and the pain, so he prescribed an antibiotic. I ended up being off work last Monday-Thursday, using my precious sick leave that I was trying to hang on to for the end of my pregnancy. Long story shorter, over a week later I am still having a very hard time getting around. Had I known how badly this was going to hurt I would never have done it being 8-9 months pregnant.

Bottom line, sun worshippers - it's not worth it. I spent more time than I care to admit trying to tan my pale Irish self in tanning beds, and I am absolutely done. I wouldn't go through this again for a million bucks. Hopefully I will be on the mend soon because there is soooo much to be done before this little girl makes her debut! More on all of that coming soon!

The final countdown

When I woke up this morning I realized the date was July 27 - one month before my due date. I absolutely cannot believe I am going to be a mommy so soon! Where has the time gone?!? There is so much we still have to do - finish the nursery (I have been kind of immobile due to a minor surgery on my leg the past week - that's another story for another time), figure out child care, take care of the heating and a/c situation upstairs. Possibly get me a new car (I'm thinking this isn't going to happen in the next month). Oh, and did I mention I'm hosting bridal showers for my sister and soon to be SIL on back-to-back weekends? Yeah, I'm crazy like that.

We finished our birthing classes last week and I was able to get the last few items we needed for the nursery with my Target completion coupon and gift cards. Yesterday our crib mattress, swing, baby book and changing pad covers arrived. I also spent an afternoon at Target picking up things like nursing bras, lounge pants for the hospital, etc. I would like to get my hospital bag packed soon just in case. I think I've been putting that off because it makes it awfully real when you're all set to go to the hospital, but I am not one for chaos so I'd probably better get on that lest I want to leave it up to my husband to pack for me - yikes!

I promise to post more as we finish the nursery, etc. For now, here is my 35 week bump shot for your viewing pleasure. Oh, and I got a new cell phone this week so I should have better quality cell pics from now on :o)

These things I'll never say

5 bonus points if you recognize the post title as Avril Lavigne lyrics.

This weekend I drove three hours north to go to my best friend's baby shower. I first mentioned her here when I found out we were going to be pregnant "together". (Quotes because we really only see each other once a year now.) I love her more than just about anyone in the world (she is close in ranking to my husband...maybe even above him some days!). There is absolutely nothing we can't and haven't talked about, from love to family to ovulation and everything in between. We "get" each other like no one else.

But the one thing we've never discussed is money. Because you see, she has it and I don't. Let me say that I get that she worked her ass off in college - completing a 7-year doctorate program in 6 years, never getting summer or Christmas breaks off - and I don't begrudge her the rewards of that hard work. But she makes more than C and I combined, and that's not even with her husband's salary which I don't think is anything to scoff at either. It's even tougher because we are really struggling financially right now (yes, good timing with a baby on the way). So when I went to her house this weekend (her house that cost more than double what ours cost... and yes, I'm a horrible friend because I looked up the sale price on the auditor's website), it was like rubbing salt in the "we need a money tree" wound. Things I couldn't say to her this weekend:

"I wouldn't have missed your shower but it took a full tank of gas for me to get here and back and now I'm afraid we can't afford groceries this week."

"Of course I want to go to dinner with you...but can we please go somewhere I can eat for under $10?"

"An iPad 2 and a new cell phone, huh? Yeah...I still have this refurbished Blackberry and C's using my old phone that is the same one you had three phones ago."

"I'm glad you guys have nice cars. I still have the same one I drove in college and I'm trying to figure out how to get a new one so I can even fit a carseat in it."

So yeah. It was great to see her but I did come home a little depressed about being one of the have nots.

On a happier note, here's a pic of us and our bumps - me at 33 weeks, and her at 30-ish weeks.

Long time no post!

Sorry I have been kind of MIA lately, but really we've just been coasting through summer without anything too exciting going on. I had my second baby shower last Saturday and am thrilled that between all we've gotten as gifts and remaining gift cards, there should be very little we have to buy ourselves. I started washing and organizing clothes last weekend, and the nursery is starting to look like a real room. We still need our crib mattress (getting it with a gift card once we get the Target completion coupon), a lamp, rug, and some other odds and ends. Pics when it's done, I promise!

Last night we started birthing classes. They have this plastic thing that shows you how big each centimeter of dilation is and um...wow. Ten centimeters is a little frightening! We have two more classes, and then I guess we're supposed to be ready to have a baby - ha! When we practiced relaxation breathing I kept thinking, "Phhssshh, how hard can this be?" I have a feeling I'm going to change my tune when the contractions hit...

I also had a regular OB appointment today with an ultrasound to check my placenta. I'm happy to report that it is no longer low (yay!), and that baby girl is curled up right where I thought she was - head down, curled around my right side with her little butt in my ribs. They're estimating her at 4lbs 9oz which seems crazy big to me but apparently she is just right. Since she was smushed up against my belly I didn't get very good pics.

For your viewing pleasure, my bump shot from last weekend at 32 weeks, before the shower:

And a little old school Amy Grant for your appreciation:
"Baby, baby, I'm taken with the notion/To love you with the sweetest of devotion/Baby, baby, my tender love will flow from/The bluest sky to the deepest ocean..."