"Santa's tried his best but that one's a little hard... Sometimes what Santa wants to give a good little girl like you is patience." ~Santa Beiste (Glee)
I'd been feeling pretty optimistic this cycle. Our timing was good, my boobs have been sore - a symptom I never have - and I keep thinking, "It's Christmas! My prayers have to be answered!"
Today, though, my boobs are not as sore, and as much as I like to think my chart looks great it's not that far off from two cycles ago. So today I am an emotional wreck (maybe a symptom?? Maybe?!?) and I am realizing my hope for being pregnant this month is bordering on desperation. I need this to be it. I don't know how to start a new year not knowing how long this journey is going to last. I need to be able to get through Christmas and my niece's 1st birthday and New Year's and my sister-in-law's baby shower without the stress and self pity that will inevitably ensue if this isn't it.
The quote up above from Glee's Christmas episode really struck a chord with me. I've realized how much I've been hanging my hopes on a Christmas miracle, but just as Santa couldn't magically make Artie's legs work, the fact remains that just because it's Christmas doesn't mean I'm going to get what I asked for.
In the end, the prettiest charts in the world don't guarantee a BFP. Phantom symptoms can be all in my head. But this Christmas, I guess I'll keep clinging to the hope that Santa got my letter and brings me what I want more than anything else in the world.
"And I don't need boxes wrapped in strings/Or designer love or empty things/Just the chance that maybe we'll find better days..." - Goo Goo Dolls