Christmas 2010

Our Christmas was the usual whirlwind of visiting family. I won't bore you with the details, but Christmas Eve meant my husband spent the day with his dad and brothers - I made a quick stop there and then spent the evening with my family at my grandma's and church. Christmas Day we did our own presents at home (finally got my Snuggie - whoo hoo! haha). Then we headed to my parents', my grandma's, his grandma's, and his mom's.

Baby Miller Reveal #1 happened at my mom and dad's. Once everyone had opened presents, I gave my sister a gift bag and said, "Oh, this one's for (my niece) too." It was this onesie:

She opened it and said, "Big cousin?!" and her fiance said, "Big cousin?!" and my mom says, "Big cousin?!" But my mom didn't get it at first! She saw the pink outfit and thought it was a shirt my dad had bought my niece and thought he got the wrong one! My sister sarcastically said, "Yes mom, their cat is having kittens," and my mother says, "The cat is having kittens?" and I was like, "Mooommm!" (She's really ditzy sometimes!) Finally she got it and was like, "I can't believe you kept this a secret!" But of course they were happy and excited.

Reveal #2 came at my husband's mom's house. His mom and stepdad already knew, if you recall, but I wanted to break the news to his siblings, especially my friend K who dates his brother and his pregnant SIL who I promised to tell right away.

I pulled the same trick and said, "This one's for (niece to be)," and gave the same onesie to my SIL in a gift bag. We finished opening presents and K says to my SIL, "You haven't opened (niece's) present." She's like, "Oh, right!" So she opened it and said, "Big cousin!?" and her eyes got big and she looked at me and I said, "Hopefully it will fit her in August!" And K goes, "Are you pregnant?!?" and I said yes, and she said, "That is a VERY big secret to keep from me!" And they both got all teary eyed, and my hubby's brother says, "I SO called it!" (He had texted my husband when we were out to eat the other day asking if I was pregnant because I hadn't been drinking.) Then my SIL and I started talking pregnancy, which was nice - we go to the same ob/gyn so it will be nice to know what to expect in the next few months.

So Christmas was a success! Unfortunately yesterday I came down with the flu, so I've spent a couple of days on the couch telling my little appleseed to hang in there while mom tries to get better! Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

No news is good news

I have spent the days since my BFP being terrified of something happening to our little Sprout (as I've now taken to calling him/her. Last night I told my husband, "Sprout's hungry again." hehe). I did force myself to stop temping and stop testing a few days ago. Then I asked my doctor's office if I could get my initial bloodwork done early, since otherwise it wouldn't be done until my 1st appointment on Jan. 18.

Yesterday I went to get the bloodwork done at a lab and asked the tech if they would check for numbers doubling, etc... and she said, "Oh no, they only do that if there's a problem. This is just a prenatal panel." Basically they were testing for diseases and such, and I had to pee in a cup. Crap - I wanted betas! So after a brief freakout, I told myself that if it weren't for The Bump, I would have no clue about betas, and I should just resign myself to the fact that I am pregnant like any sane person in the real world!

It was very surreal to have a "real" person ask, "When are you due?" and "Is this your first?" It caught me off guard! I think by telling my parents and our siblings on Christmas it will start to feel more real too. I have very few symptoms, so it's still just hard to believe.

So I'm taking this one day at a time, thanking God every morning and night for our Christmas miracle, and asking him to give us a healthy pregnancy and baby.

In case I don't "see" you all before Christmas, I wish my dear readers a wonderful, safe holiday filled with family, friends, food and lots of great presents ;o)

Why my husband doesn't work for the CIA

I might kill my husband. Ok, lest that ends up in some sort of legal records somewhere, let me say I'm kidding. Kind of.

Last night I came home from work, and we were headed to dinner with some friends. I said, "I won't be drinking, don't you think they're going to notice?" (Not that I'm a lush, but I usually have a beer or wine with dinner.)

And he says, "How long are you planning to wait to tell everyone anyway? I already told Mom."

I went from zero to Irish in about 10 seconds.

"WHAT?! I told you not to tell anyone yet!"

"I'm excited! I had to tell! You know I can't keep a secret!"

"Yes, but I needed you to keep THIS secret! I told you that! Things can still go wrong! I'm about 2 seconds pregnant -"

"Two DAYS..."

"It doesn't matter."

"I may have told my dad too..."

Oh. My. God. His dad dates this woman who has the biggest mouth on the planet. If she finds out, game over. Now I feel like I have to tell my parents too, before they find out secondhand. I had been thinking MAYBE we would be telling our parents and siblings on Christmas (at 5 weeks) if things were still ok.

Oh, then he threw in the kicker, because I was close to tears - "Are you getting all pregnant and emotional already?"

I went upstairs to get ready to leave, about to lose it, then felt a little bad after the fact. I have all of my wonderful online friends to talk to, and he doesn't have anyone. I know he's excited. But it's just still so early.

I'm so worried this baby won't stick. I think I'm going to call my doctor's office on Monday to see if I can have bloodwork done because they didn't order any. Decent betas would make this easier, I think, because I keep taking tests and I confess that I'm still temping. The tests are getting slightly darker, but are still light, and my temp has gone down a little. It just fuels my fears.

Stick, Miller Lite, stick...
(Thanks to Kathy for that nickname, hehe)

Oh, baby!

"For a long time there were only your footprints & laughter in our dreams & even from such small things, we knew we could not wait to love you forever." ~storypeople.com

I've referenced this Story People "story" before, but today it is so much more meaningful - I'm pregnant! I got a faint second line on an HPT this morning... and I'm still not convinced it's real.

I had had some symptoms that could've been anything - feeling tired, crampy, having a lot of sinus issues, and a kind of burning/aching feeling in my boobs. I was convinced I was making all of it up as I do every month. This morning I took a test and was remarkably calm when I saw that line show up. I just got in the shower and started doing my hair and putting on my makeup! Then I dug the Bengals onesie I'd bought a few cycles ago out of the closet, and when my husband woke up I told him Santa had brought him an early Christmas present. He opened the bag and I said, "You might not want it at this point, but..." (because the Bengals are having a terrible season). And he stared at me, and I said, "I took a test this morning." And he said, "Seriously?!" Then he came and hugged me and said, "That's awesome!"

When I showed him the test he asked if I was sure it was positive, and I assured him that after staring at all of those blank white spaces for months that I knew what it was! I will still follow up with a digital to prove it to him and I'm sure I'll be peeing on sticks for a few days to convince myself too. I told him, "Just so you know, it's gonna be a girl." And when he went to leave for work he said very nonchalantly, "See you girls tonight!" *insert my giant smiling face here*

The morning was so ridiculously ordinary that it is hard to believe. I called my doctor's office and set up my first appointments - my nurse's appt is on Jan. 18 (around 8-9 weeks), and my first OB appt is the first week of February. How will I ever wait that long?!?

With all of the happiness, though, I am also scared. I have seen so many of my lovely Bumpies come back to the board all too soon due to chemical pregnancies and miscarriages, and I know that I have a long road ahead. I am just hoping and praying that this Christmas miracle sticks, and that we get to bring home a beautiful, healthy baby at the end of August!

The Days of Our Lives (or I guess The Days of MY Life)

Here's a recap of my past 24 hours for your reading enjoyment:

Monday, Monday...

• Temp drop + cramps = my outlook is not too great for this cycle. I will test on Thursday at 12DPO if I get that far.

• Shoveled 5 inches of snow OFF my car, and was 25 minutes late to work because the roads were awful.
• While leaving work I found a $20 bill in the hall near the credit union office (the same CU I used to work for). I decided to be a good Samaritan and go in and ask if anyone had just taken out money and possibly dropped it. The tellers said no...then suggested I could donate it to the charity they support for sick kids at Christmas. Damn it. I really could've used that money... but I suppose 'tis the season and all. And I secretly hoped perhaps it would bring me some good karma... you know, of the baby sort? *blushes*
• We had been wanting to replace our fireplace doors, and we got lucky when my husband found a brand new set in our garage, still in the box! He decided to try to insulate them with spray foam, which several people questioned due to the heat...but it had held up. Until last night.
  
  He brought home some skids from where he works to burn in the fireplace, and I threw several pieces on the fire...not realizing how hot they would burn! I'm not sure what the fires of hell look like, but I'm pretty sure this was it. It got so hot the foam started melting and smelling all chemically, and our family room started filling up with smoke. I was pretty sure the house was going to burn down.
  
  Thankfully after opening the windows and trying to fan the smoke out, the fire burned down enough that I wasn't convinced of our imminent death.
• Shortly after the fire incident, my husband left to put gas in his car because he was "running on fumes" and the wind chills where we are have been below zero. When he got back, I heard this huge thud and him yelling, "Fuck!" I thought he had dropped something. After a couple of minutes I went to investigate and found the basement door open, and him laying on the basement floor holding his head.
  
  Me: "Oh my God, are you ok!?"
  Him: "I don't know."
  "Are you bleeding?!"
  "I don't know."
  "Do you know what day it is?"
  "YES, I know what day it is."
  Turns out in his wet, snow covered shoes, he'd fallen at the top of the basment steps and slid all the way down, hitting his head on the steps! Thankfully he was ok, minus a headache and a bump on the back of his head.

Onward and upward to today

• Woke up to temp and thought it was Saturday. Hmm, was I ever sadly disappointed...
• Temp went up minimally. Not impressed. Couldn't enter it in FF until I got to work because my Blackberry's wireless wasn't working.
• Drove to work and was only 10 minutes late today, because people don't know how to drive and there were random quarter-mile stretches covered in ice. Did I mention the wind chill is like 10 below zero?
• Nearly cried several times on the way to work because of music...and the sight of all the dirty snow on the side of the road. I'm a basket case.
• On the plus side, my friend B was nice enough to go to our house and let the delivery people in so we could finally get our dining room table! Yay! Granted, the chairs are on back order and the buffet hasn't come in yet, but at least we don't have an empty dining room anymore! (Pics to come.)

So there you go. My week so far, and it's only Tuesday!

We need a little Christmas now

"Santa's tried his best but that one's a little hard... Sometimes what Santa wants to give a good little girl like you is patience." ~Santa Beiste (Glee)

I'd been feeling pretty optimistic this cycle. Our timing was good, my boobs have been sore - a symptom I never have - and I keep thinking, "It's Christmas! My prayers have to be answered!"

Today, though, my boobs are not as sore, and as much as I like to think my chart looks great it's not that far off from two cycles ago. So today I am an emotional wreck (maybe a symptom?? Maybe?!?) and I am realizing my hope for being pregnant this month is bordering on desperation. I need this to be it. I don't know how to start a new year not knowing how long this journey is going to last. I need to be able to get through Christmas and my niece's 1st birthday and New Year's and my sister-in-law's baby shower without the stress and self pity that will inevitably ensue if this isn't it.

The quote up above from Glee's Christmas episode really struck a chord with me. I've realized how much I've been hanging my hopes on a Christmas miracle, but just as Santa couldn't magically make Artie's legs work, the fact remains that just because it's Christmas doesn't mean I'm going to get what I asked for.

In the end, the prettiest charts in the world don't guarantee a BFP. Phantom symptoms can be all in my head. But this Christmas, I guess I'll keep clinging to the hope that Santa got my letter and brings me what I want more than anything else in the world.

"And I don't need boxes wrapped in strings/Or designer love or empty things/Just the chance that maybe we'll find better days..." - Goo Goo Dolls

Why I'm getting KTFU this cycle

1. I only have 10 days of VIP Fertility Friend left, meaning it ends at 14DPO. Coincidence? I think not.

2. The timing would be bad. My sister's wedding is less than 3 weeks after my EDD for this cycle, and I'm supposed to be in the wedding (just me and one other girl) and I will be heavily involved in the planning. Murphy's Law dictates that I will get pregnant soon.

3. This is cycle 5 for me, which is the same cycle my TTGP friends StickAround and MayBug got their BFPs. And I want to be just like them when I grow up.

4. The oh-so-scientific Chinese predictor thing says I should be having a girl. I really want baby #1 to be a girl.

5. I now own maternity jeans (see previous post). There was only one pair and they were my size. I should, by the rules of the universe, get to wear them soon.

6. Oh, and because we actually had sex on my O day. And a few days before. Which has never happened. (I'm not sure if that's as important as buying the maternity jeans, but it probably helps.)

Patience is not a virtue I possess. I need a fast forward button to next week. I'm getting my hopes up since our timing was good and, after all, everyone deserves a BFP for Christmas... I'm afraid I'm setting myself up for major disappointment just in time for the holidays. Oh well - if not then at least then I can become a total holiday wino!

Got the cart, now where's the horse?

I have to confess my first cart before the horse purchases. I am borderline embarassed to admit this...but I bought a diaper bag and maternity jeans over the weekend! I was at Marshalls on Saturday and found an adorable diaper bag that was only $13, and my friend K (who is a total shopping enabler) supported my buying it. I said, "It's pink, so I'd better have a girl!" and she said, "You're the mom - you can carry whatever you want!" This is why it's a bad idea for us to go shopping together.

Then we went to Old Navy where I found a pair of maternity jeans in my size on the clearance rack. They were 50% off because they are an online exclusive, and I would get an extra 20% off because of a sale they were having. So they were $15! Who can pass that up? So...I bought them. Told myself it was a sign that they had one pair and they were my size. At the register, the cashier happened to be K's cousin and she says, "You know these are maternity jeans. And they're non-returnable." Me (feeling like a lunatic): "Uh huh."

I promptly took both things home and hid them in the back of my closet. I think maybe I was just feeling optimistic because I am pretty sure I ovulated that day and managed to get in some sexy time with the husband. I really hope it pays off!

In other weekend news, I spent all day yesterday finishing our Christmas tree and putting up decorations. My hubby put up the outdoor lights Saturday. And I even got out the plexiglass panels to winterize our front screened-in porch last night! It was a cold, tedious job but at least we don't have snow blowing onto the porch anymore.

I even tried my hand at baking - which, if you recall from my "I'm a Terrible Housewife" post, is not something I typically do. My friend's mom used to make these awesome little pastries called kolaches (I've seen various spellings) that have jam in them, so I found a pretty simple recipe and tried it out. Here are some of the better results (on the left) and the ones that didn't stick together on the right:

They weren't great. They were pretty bland and didn't stay together very well. I think I'm going to look for another recipe or see if my friend can get me her mom's.

So all in all, a very busy and productive weekend!

My lips are (kind of) sealed

A brief recap of what I posted on the TTGP board - I talked to my mom, who told me she had sensed that I wasn't excited about my friend being pregnant. So she asked if we were trying, and I confessed that we are. She asked how long, and I told her. She told me she was sorry because she didn't know, and that it can take awhile. Thankfully she also promised not to be bug me about it. So that's that. I feel better now. I'm not sure why I didn't tell her from the beginning, but I think maybe just because I wanted it to be a surprise when we do get pregnant. Which, with the roll I'm on telling people, it may not be a surprise to anyone!

Yesterday I started making a mental list of the people who know we are TTC. In order of when they found out, they are:

1. My best friend, A - She knew we were going to start trying months in advance, because she and her husband are going to be trying soon too and we talk about everything. We spent hours talking about babies and pregnancy long before my hubby and I got down to business. Now I've turned her on to charting, and it's so fun to stalk her!
2. My SIL - When she got pregnant (on birth control) she was totally freaked out and told me I should get pregnant with her. So I told her we were planning to start trying the following month.
3. My friend K (who dates my BIL) - I told her when we found out SIL was pregnant.
4. My two BILs - When my husband started having some performance issues, he talked to his brothers, so they know what's up too. I guess I shouldn't be the only one to get to confide in someone...
5. My friend B - She badgered it out of me. I dodged the conversation once, then finally caved and gave her the details.
6. Random former co-worker I visited recently - She asked, and caught me totally off guard (we never had that kind of a friendship!), so I just said, "Yeah..."
7. My (now pregnant) friend J - I spilled when she told me she was pregnant the other night, as I mentioned. I said we were trying, so maybe our kids could be friends like we were.
8. My mom (and therefore presumably my dad)
9. Oh, and hundreds of Internet strangers from TTGP. haha

There are still people who I don't want to know - my MIL, who can't keep a secret to save her life; my husband's dad and gf (because they are simply not tactful human beings); and a few other friends. My sister doesn't know either, but we've never had that kind of relationship. My mom had to be the one to tell me she was pregnant with my niece.

It's nice to have people in the loop, but I don't want to announce our pregnancy the second it happens, so I think they'll all be on the lookout for red flags like not drinking or not feeling well... oh well! Can't put the cat back in the bag now!

A gratuitous "cat out of the bag", not-so-great-quality shot of my kitty when she was a baby:

"I need another story/Something to get off my chest/My life gets kind of boring/Need something that I can confess...I'm gonna give all my secrets away..." - One Republic