Monday, November 29, 2010

Ain't that a kick in the head...

One of my oldest friends (we grew up across the street from each other, but she lives out of state now) just called me. She never calls me. I knew what was coming.

J: "I wanted to call and tell you my news."

Me: "Your news?"

J: "I'm pregnant!"

Me: (fumbling for something to say) "Oh my gosh! Yay!"

J: "I'm 9 weeks but I didn't want to tell anyone until now - I just had a doctor's appointment today. I'm due 4th of July."

Me: (trying not to cry because 4th of July was my phantom EDD two cycles ago) "Aw, how cool!"

J: "Yeah, kind of. Not sure how I feel about that due date but oh well! Nothing I can do about it now! We didn't think it would happen so quick!"

Me: (afraid I don't want to know the answer) "Can I ask how long you were trying?"

J: "One month! It was kind of crazy!"

Me: (dying) "Haha, yeah I bet."

I ended up telling her we are trying, and that maybe we'll have babies the same age so they can grow up friends just like we did even though we don't live near each other, commented on this being the REAL reason she just got a new SUV, blah blah blah.

Then I got off the phone and walked downstairs and poured myself a glass of wine.

Icing on the cake - my mom called 5 minutes later to tell me J's mom called to tell her the news, and she "jumped up and down in the living room". Then added how exciting it was, but how she doesn't want me or my sister to be pregnant right now. I don't know what that means. I told her my phone was cutting out (as it does in our house) and went upstairs to cry.

I don't say this in my online writings much, but fuck. Just fuck.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Thanksgiving Weekend 2010 (in pictures)

My precious niece's first Thanksgiving (complete with "My 1st Thanksgiving" bib from her awesome aunt):
My husband's new toy, which he's been stalking at Lowe's for months - one side is propane, the other is charcoal:

My new toy, a Black Friday purchase (though I didn't go out until 11:00 am). We'd been needing a new vacuum since we have more carpet in the new house and the world's furriest cat, and I got a great deal on this Shark Navigator:

Picked up one of these while I was out too since the vacuum wasn't terrifically exciting:

On Sunday the tree went up, but isn't decorated yet - the cat doesn't look likely to help anytime soon:

New mirror above the mantel (also a Black Friday purchase) and the stockings are now hung by the chimney with care!

Had a great weekend with family and friends - the only thing I'm not thankful for is that I have to go back to work!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Dear Santa...

As I checked out my one lonely dot on my chart this morning, I started to look ahead to the rest of this cycle. I realized that if I stay around 30 days for my cycle, I'll likely be testing a couple of days before Christmas.

So on Christmas I'll either be looking like this:

Or like this:

Only time will tell... (sorry, couldn't find a royalty free pic for the sad/angry one and this one fit really well! The company I used to work for used Shutterstock all the time, so I feel like I'm allowed to steal this one.)

On another Christmas-y note, I've switched my cell phone's ringtones to holiday ones. Every year I make my husband's ringer "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey because I love it and he hates it. 'Cause I'm evil like that.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Mommy Material

Let me start by saying I love my mom. I talk to her almost every day, and tell her almost everything. I say "almost" because she doesn't know that we are TTC. I think it's a combination of not wanting to get the constant questions/wondering from her, combined with wanting to surprise her and my dad when we do get pregnant.

Well, it seems it is definitely going to be a surprise. Saturday I was talking to her on the phone and we were discussing how I plan to get a new vehicle when my husband's car is paid off next year. I have had the same car for 9 years and it is getting up there in miles. It also is a small two-door that has no cargo room, and I am pretty positive I couldn't even fit a carseat in the back seat. So I was discussing with my mom whether I would want a four-door car (I love the Mazda 3 and 6) or a small SUV. She asks the inevitable question: "Well, are you planning to have kids?"

I say, "Hopefully, someday." (I feel this was truthful.)

She says, "Well, I just wonder about you sometimes."


She goes on to tell me that my grandmother recently told her she didn't know if she could see me with kids. And then adds that when she was talking to a woman she has known for many years at the college I used to work at (where my mom still works), this woman says, "Oh no, I couldn't see (MillerTime) having kids." My mom then says my husband and I "want an awful lot" in life. I really have no clue what this means. We don't have plans to travel the world or go sky diving. Or move to a studio apartment in a big city. We just got married last year and upgraded to a 3-bedroom house with a playhouse in the back yard in a family-friendly neighborhood, for heaven's sake.

I just don't get it, and my feelings were hurt. Last year when my mom found out my sister was pregnant (which did not go over well because my sister has a lot of issues, isn't married, etc.) she told me she hesitated to tell me because she thought I'd be upset because she knew I wanted kids. I don't get how that has changed. For years whenever I've held my cousins' babies, my mom has remarked, "You really like babies, don't you?" because she has never been a "baby person". Since my niece was born last December, I have spoiled the crap out of her and make a beeline to pick her up whenever we're visiting. I have talked many times about being a preschool or kindergarten teacher (I worked at a daycare for a year). So what is it about me that says to everyone, "Hey this chick shouldn't have kids!"?

My mom has made comments in the past when I was taking care of my niece that she "can't see me with a baby" because I'm "too intense." I admit it - I'll probably be one of those moms who freak out about every little thing and want my baby on a strict schedule and won't want anyone else to watch him/her. Maybe a little Kate Gosselin-esque...without all the plastic surgery and tabloid fodder. But I will also spoil my baby to pieces and love him/her so much I can't even put it into words.

It probably didn't help that this conversation fell on the eve of the end of my fourth cycle of TTC. But I guess I'll just show 'em all when I finally get pregnant!

"You're entitled to your opinion/But it's really my decision/I can't stop now I'm on a mission/If you care don't you dare blur my vision/Let me be all that I can be/Don't smother me with negativity/Whatever's out there waiting for me/I'm gonna face it willingly..." - Joss Stone

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Vintage MT

Since yesterday's post was a little heavy, I thought I'd share something a little more upbeat. Five years ago I worked at a local newspaper writing feature/human interest stories about area communities, but I also wrote a couple of columns. This is one I really liked and I thought it would give you lovely followers (welcome new followers!) a little insight into my craziness outside of TTC. Hope you like it!

A co-worker looked over our cubicle divider the other day and asked, "Has anyone ever told you you're weird?" Rather than being offended, I smiled. I get that a lot.

I have an affinity for many strange things. I am a fan of llamas and wombats. I enjoy watching Antiques Roadshow on PBS, and I find green olives a fantastic addition to any dish.

The latest bit of nonsense in my world is speaking in pirate lingo. A girlfriend and I, for reasons that are surprisingly uninteresting, have decided we were meant to be pirates. Yes, I'm talking eyepatch-wearing, seven seas-sailing, plank-walking pirates. We greet each other with a hearty "Ahoy!" on the phone.

The highlight of our recent trip to Florida was a dinner theater centered around a huge replica of a pirate ship in a lagoon. We had more fun than most of the children for whom I'm sure the show was designed. We shouted and sang along with the pirate cast while seated next to a woman who watched it all in near silence. I'm sure she thought we were crazy. I'm not sure I disagree.

Why am I bothering to tell you about the oddities of my life? Not so you'll refer me for professional help, though that might be in order.

The fact is I've spent plenty of time, especially as a teenager, worrying about what other people thought of me. As I near the grand old age of 24, it has occurred to me that all those cliches about living life to the fullest are very true. A quote I've seen attached to various e-mails is, "Work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one's watching."

I'm a pretty bad dancer. Any time I spend on a dance floor is with the hope that no one is watching. But that doesn't stop me from trying. Nor does it stop my mother, who frequently annoys my 18-year-old sister by singing and dancing in the car while she plays chauffeur.

"Mom! Stop it!" my younger sibling yells in typical embarrassed-teenager fashion. Her outbursts tend to spur me into joining the dance party, which usually leads to more yelling.

"Oh, chill out," Mom tells her.

My sister has yet to discover that ridiculousness is the spice of life.

Who wants to be serious all the time? I guarantee the somber woman I sat by at the pirate show will forget it in a matter of weeks. But five, maybe even 20 years from now my friend and I will pull out our cheesy pirate souvenirs and laugh until we cry.

Go ahead. Sing at the top of your lungs with your car windows rolled down. Let your kids wear their Halloween costumes to the grocery store.

Or if you're feeling particularly carefree, join my friend and me for International Talk Like a Pirate Day this September.

The captain and I insist.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A question of faith

Today I am angry. My temps have pretty much flatlined which is odd, so I caved and took an internet cheapie HPT this morning. BFN, which made me feel oddly calm at the time. That one single line meant I could stop obsessing and wondering, "What if?!" and questioning every slight twinge in my body. I know that 10DPO is "early" statistically speaking, but with an LP of 11-12 days every month I've been charting temps, I fully expect AF to show up sometime in the next 48 hours.

That calm lasted until I got in the car and had a 40 minute commute to ponder the unfairness of life. I know in the grand scheme of things my life is good and I shouldn't complain. I know we've only been trying for 4 months. But I've wanted to be a mom since I was, oh, I don't know... like 5 years old. And for the life of me I can't figure out why the forces of the universe are so against that.

I am not a deeply religious person. I grew up Catholic, but as I got older I took issue with some of the practices and teachings of the church, and I never really felt connected. I still go to church with my parents on holidays, and sometimes I feel a sense of peace just from being in that familiar setting. My husband and I tried going to a couple of churches last year with friends and family, and they weren't really a good fit either. That being said, I do still consider myself a spiritual person - I believe in a higher power, and I talk to God every morning and night. I thank him for the blessings in my life and ask him to take care of the people I care about.

But I am really struggling. I am trying to trust that things will happen when they are meant to happen, but I just don't understand how so many people around me get pregnant accidentally or with so little effort. And why this thing I want more than anything in the world is the thing I can't have. Sure, I'm probably not getting pregnant because my husband and I aren't having enough sex, and at the right times. But why can't that happen? Why does this have to be so difficult for us? And not just us - so many of the awesome ladies on my message board who hope and pray and try and get the same results I do: a single, ugly line staring back at them on an HPT.

So what is it, God? Do you want me to go to church? Are you punishing me for the years of my life I threw away making bad decisions? Are you teaching me that you can't just ask and get what you want in life? Reminding me that I should be grateful for the blessings I do have? I'm trying to have faith, but today I am failing and my heart hurts.

So God, give me the strength to get through today and the patience I need to wait for a beautiful little baby to come into our lives.

Today's song lyrics come thanks to my morning jam session with my Glee CD, and have a special meaning to me because I played Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz my senior year of high school:

"Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue/and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true/Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me/Where troubles melt like lemon drops/away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me... Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly/birds fly over the rainbow/why, then oh why can't I?"

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Inappropriate Comments, Take 2 - I Don't Want a Secondhand Duck

Last night while I took my final exam for the sign language class I took this quarter, my husband went to his dad's house to have an early birthday dinner (his bday is Thursday). I went to pick him up on my way home, and stopped in a for a few minutes to say hi to the family. His dad's girlfriend (who is never exactly soft-spoken or tactful) immediately says, "Come see what I got your baby!"

You're shitting me, right?

She continues babbling as I follow her upstairs: "I got Halloween costumes on clearance for the grandbabies!"
*enters their bedroom where there are little Halloween costumes hanging on the curtain rod*

"I figure we're going to have all these grandkids, so they can recycle them every year. I got the duck and the monkey so (SIL) and (BIL) can choose one next year. And I got your baby the devil costume. Because your little boy will be a little devil! Isn't it cute?!"

Internal monologue as I stand there with a smile plastered on my face: We don't have a baby, but don't you worry, it's not for lack of trying. And when we do, I don't want it to wear a devil costume. I want the adorable duck costume. And I don't want it pre-worn. And I want a girl, not a boy.

"We need more than one grandbaby! I don't want to share (BIL and SIL's)! You guys need to get on making some babies!"

Continue smiling blankly while trying not to cry/scream at her.

I proceeded to say something appropriate but vague like, "Yeah, they are cute." And then went back to the kitchen to see if my husband was ready to leave. This is not the first time she has said something along those lines, but the first time since we have been TTC. And, among many other reasons, this would be why I avoid their house at all costs. Serious in-law fail.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Inappropriate/Awkward Comments - Weekend Edition

Friday at dinner with my husband's family
My husband is saying how he'd like to join the Y or find a hobby because he "never has anything to do when he gets off work."

My brother-in-law (husband of my pregnant SIL, who both know we are TTC): "Maybe you should just go home and have lots of sex and get your wife pregnant like me."

Um...really? He said it in a joking way, but it was so not funny. I changed the topic quickly and made a note to make him feel super awkward in public sometime in the near future.

Saturday Incident #1
The hubby and I are discussing the family vacation next June that his mom has started planning, and I tell him how I hope to be pregnant then, and how I want to 1-not be miserable and fat on vacation on the beach, and 2-may not be able to fly depending on how far along I would be.
"Why?" he asks. I say, "There's some medical reason you can't fly later in your pregnancy. Blood clots or something maybe?" (I haven't exactly researched the reasons at this point.)

Fast forward to sitting at the in-laws' house Saturday night. My MIL is talking about vacation, and my hubby says, "(MillerTime) doesn't want to fly."
MIL: "Why?"
Hubby: "She might get blood clots."
MIL: questioning look at her son like he's lost his mind
Me: *death stare at the hubs* "Nope, actually I would much rather fly. I hate riding in the car."

And also on Saturday
Me: "Does anywhere around here have smoothies? I really want a smoothie." (We are in a new community since we moved - a much smaller one.)

BIL (yep, same one): "Tim Horton's has good ones now. Maybe you're pregnant. (pregnant SIL) always wants smoothies."

Me: dies a little inside - "Anyone want to go to Tim Horton's with me?"

Add those ridiculous instances to the fact that I was badgered by another friend last week until I confessed we are TTC, and then a former co-worker (who I like well enough, just not close enough to share really personal things) flat-out asked if we are trying.

Ugh. Come on miracle baby. I need you this month or I'm going to need to start throat punching people.

Quick edit to include a pic of the black mantel as promised, and our almost done family room (need new fireplace doors, new curtains and new windows, but overall it is looking good!)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I'm a terrible housewife

Since there is nothing new and exciting going on in TTC land (our timing this month was not spectacular, so I am definitely not getting my hopes up), I thought I'd write about something that occurred to me yesterday while I was off work: I am a terrible housewife.

No, really. Here's why:
  • I hate to cook. My husband is a great cook and does it all the time. I hate it and am not very good at it, unless it's something coming out of a box or some sort of casserole for which I have a recipe. Last night I made dinner because he worked late, and I felt like I deserved a medal for putting forth the effort. He also packs his own lunch.
  • I also don't do my husband's laundry. He tends to do his own, because I am so picky about my stuff not getting dried/shrunk. So he does it himself rather than waiting for me to get desperate enough to do a load or two after not doing any for two weeks. This usually occurs when I am out of underwear.
  • I don't garden. If I could afford to  pay someone to come plant flowers and do all those outdoorsy things, I totally would. I hate to get dirty, I am always afraid there are spiders lurking in the underbrush, and well...I just generally don't give a crap. Flowers are nice to look at, but they're just so much freaking work. I mean, you have to remember to water them and stuff... (Don't worry. It won't be like that with my baby. I'll totally water it every day.)
  • I refuse to fetch things for my husband out of principle. Need a beer? Need something from the other room? You're out of luck, pal. Get off your butt and do it yourself.
  • I don't know how to sew. I can kind of sew a button on if it falls off, but it's not pretty.

So there you go. I am totally domestically challenged. And after 29 years of life, I don't expect it to change anytime soon. Sorry, honey!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

November already?

How about a post about... nothing? That's pretty much what I've got going on. Nothing new in TTC news - I am waiting to ovulate and hoping it happens sooner rather than later as it did last month. On the plus side, after some more issues with my husband "finishing," we did some research into an anti-depressant he takes for anxiety and found out the top side effects are sexual ones! So for the time being he is cutting his pills in half and we'll see what happens (so far we're 1 for 1 - yay!).

So many of my girls from my message board have gotten their positive tests the past couple of weeks - I would love to join them soon!

I feel like progress on our house is crawling along. We've gotten estimates on windows, tree trimming, water softeners... now we're just trying to prioritize the projects. I finally found a dining room set that I like and got it ordered last night, but it won't be here until mid-December! Which kind of puts a kink in my plan to have my sister-in-law's baby shower the first week of Dec. We don't have many places to sit, lol. There is also more painting to do but I am having a hard time picking a color for our front room/dining room because everything is open and connected.

We have been able to beat the cold nights with a fire in the fireplace already! The mantel is getting painted black whenever I get around to buying that paint - hopefully this weekend. I can't wait to put our stockings up there! I'm such a dork. (And don't worry - I love Christmas but am not one of the crazies who already have my tree up.)

"Oh the weather outside is frightful/but the fire is so delightful/and since we've no place to go..."
Oh wait. Scratch that. I don't want snow yet! If it snowed one day a year - Christmas - I would be a happy girl. But unfortunately that's not how it works in Ohio. *sigh*