Hey there, 2012

2012 is just around the corner. Maybe it will be the end of the world as we know it (thank you, REM). I certainly hope not, because I've got a lot of living left to do (credit - that country song I am too lazy to look up).

Obviously 2011 was a big year for us. We grew to a family of three, and I don't think you need me to re-hash all the ways that changed our lives. It was challenging and amazing all at the same time. I can't believe this time next year my baby will be walking and talking(ish).

I have only two resolutions that I am committed to. Sure, I have other things I would like to work on (a laundry list of them really) but here are two that I am insisting I will acheive:

1. Get Amelia sleeping in her crib. I've been lazy about this thus far. I tried one night and she was mad and I caved and brought her back to her Rock n Play in our room. I was going to try again, but then I was tired... and she had a cold... and got her shots... and it was Christmas. I really need to commit to getting her in the room that I so painstakingly decorated before she was born!

2. Connect with more mommy friends in real life (IRL). I have connected with some amazing women online in the past year and I am so thankful for their wisdom and friendship. But my real-life friendships are scant, and I have very few mommy friends. I recently had lunch with a couple of girls from high school, one who has a 10-month-old and one who is due in June, and I thought how nice it would be to get together more frequently. I have been invited to a mommy group that I have been unable to attend thus far due to my work schedule, but I want to make an effort to connect with local mommies somehow. I think this may get easier as it gets warmer in the spring and Amelia gets older, but I want to make this happen!

That's it. Those goals seem attainable, right? Perhaps not so attainable - staying awake until midnight to ring in the New Year. We'll see how that ones goes.

To all of my e-friends, I wish you a wonderful 2012. Those with new babies, may they grow happy and healthy in the coming year. For those still waiting on their miracles, I hope 2012 is your year, sooner rather than later.

A change in plans?

My last post about my BFP "anniversary" resulted in a lot of reflection and looking ahead for me. I always said I wanted three children, though I was pretty sure we would end up with two. After the rough first weeks we had with Amelia, I wasn't sure I could do it again. I joked that she was making a good case for being an only child. People told me I would change my mind, that I would forget it all. But four months in, I haven't, and I wonder what that means for our family going forward.

I love my sweet baby girl more than I ever thought possible. But motherhood has been a challenge for me. It is really, really hard for me to admit that. I have always wanted to be a mother. I love babies and kids, and I knew I wanted to be a mom - maybe more than anything else I've wanted in my life. When I finally saw those two pink lines, I was beyond thrilled. My dream was coming true and the anticipation of waiting for that sweet baby was like waiting for the ultimate Christmas gift. I had plans of all the things I would do, the pictures I would take, where she would sleep, the cute outfits she'd wear, how I would enjoy my maternity leave being at home with her. And then she arrived and all of my plans went out the window.

My child didn't sleep anywhere but on my chest. My maternity leave was spent in a haze of sleeplessness (I frequently told C that I was so tired I thought I might literally die). I didn't blog or take cute staged photos because she was always crying and needing me to hold her 24/7 (at times I was pretty sure there were more than 24 hours in a day). I didn't care for breastfeeding. She lived in sleepers because it was just easier that way. I cried, I fought with my husband, and I wondered what the hell I had gotten myself into. I was frustrated more often than not.

I realize some of those emotions aren't uncommon for new moms. But when I think about having another child (God willing) it causes unspeakable anxiety for me. Could I do it all again? How in the world could I handle another baby in addition to tending to the little one I already have?

And then there are the selfish thoughts that lie deep inside, that I almost fear saying out loud: I miss my life. I miss being able to get up and go. I am happy to be able to drink coffee and beer and not be uncomfortable just sitting in a chair like I was at the end of my pregnacy. As Amelia gets older, I know these things will get easier, and I'm not sure I can imagine regressing back to it all.

And then I feel like a horrible person for having these thoughts. Because I have so many e-friends (and one in real life) who want a baby more than anything in the world and are struggling to get there. I know I am so, SO blessed to have my baby girl and I don't want anyone to think for one second that I am ungrateful for that blessing. I love her so much my heart aches when I'm not with her. Her smiles are flat-out the best thing in my life. And I want my awesome daughter to have siblings. I want to be a good mom.

It's just that this thing that I've wanted for so long, this mommyhood gig ...it's different than I expected. I'm facing emotions I never dreamed I would face, and they lead me to wonder if I will in fact have an only child. I guess time will tell.

"I don't know how long I can do this, he said. I think the universe has different plans for me & we sat there in silence & I thought to myself that this is the thing we all come to & this is the thing we all fight & if we are lucky enough to lose, our lives become beautiful with mystery again & I sat there silent because that is not something that can be said." ~storypeople.com, "Different Plans"

One year ago today...

...we found out our lives were going to change forever via two little pink lines.

For fun reminiscing purposes (perhaps more fun for me than you):

My blog post

BFP post from TB

3 month letter to Amelia

Dear Amelia,

I can't belive you turned three months old last week! We celebrated your first Thanksgiving, and have so much to be thankful for. You are growing and changing every day - I just had to pack up some of your 0-3 month clothes and get out the 3-6 month boxes. You smile and laugh all the time, and you "talk" whenever you get the chance, especially in the morning. You have found your hands and they are always in your mouth - you try to get both of them in there at once sometimes!

In the past week or so you have become more of a binky baby and need one to calm you down when you are sleepy. You still get up once during the night most nights, but that's ok. I know we will have to move you to your own room soon, and I will miss having you right beside me.

Christmas is coming and so is the day we found out you were going to change our lives forever (Dec. 16). You were the greatest gift we could have gotten, and we love you so much!

Love, Mom

My little turkey at 3 months

You know you're a mom when...

There are always descriptions of heartfelt, touching moments where women "knew they were a mom." Looking at their babies' faces as they sleep, holding them for the first time...all of these are fine and good, but I have compiled a list of personal experiences that have let me know I've truly entered the world of mommyhood.

You know you're a mom when...

...you dig boogers out of your child's nose with your pinky nail, and then wait for the child to fall asleep before you get up to dispose of said boogs on a tissue. What? It's just baby snot...

...you fall asleep sitting up with a baby attached to your boob (granted, we are formula feeding now, but this happened a LOT in those first few weeks).

...you get spit up in your hair and just rinse it out in the sink.

...you can perform the following tasks with one hand: making a sandwich, eating the sandwich, making coffee, preparing a bottle, putting clothes away in a drawer, feeding the cat, retrieving mail, putting on socks, changing batteries in the baby swing. Bonus points: texting/emailing with one thumb.

...you automatically wake up when your child has slept for more than four hours because you realize you've been sleeping too long and obviously something must be wrong.

...you manage not to wreck your car as you reach into the back seat to stick a lost pacifier in your screaming child's mouth.

...you somehow juggle a carseat, diaper bag, purse, bag of bottles and your lunchbag in one trip to/from the car.

There you have it. I've officially been initiated into mommyhood - no turning back now! Other mommies - what have been your "Yup, I'm a mom" moments?

Happy November!

Seriously? November already? How did that happen?!?

I am such a bad blogger these days. The fact is that I feel there isn't anything terribly fascinating going on in my life and I feel like I may bore you all with updates about my darling baby. I mean, I find her amazing and cute, but maybe you will get sick of looking at pictures of her. No? Ok.

Well then here you go.

At her two-month check up, Amelia weighed 11 lbs even (50th percentile) and 23 inches (70th percentile). Here she is on her two month "birthday". (Coincidentally also my sister's 25th birthday.)

And here she is as a banana for Halloween (my niece was a monkey). Sorry for the crappy cell phone pic.

So what's new with us? I am back at work (did I already tell you that? I have no idea.) I am working four ten-hour days in an attempt to save on gas/babysitting expenses and in order to spend a day with my munchkin on Fridays. Most days I do ok, but by the time I get home there is little time to do anything but eat, get her bag ready for the next day, feed her a bottle and get us both to bed. It gets a little exhausting. And by "a little exhausting" I mean I actually fell asleep at my desk yesterday. Whoops.

There are days I miss her terribly and feel like I am missing out on her life, knowing she is now spending more time with the babysitter than she is with us. That's a hard pill to swallow. Yesterday she brought home "crafts" - a plastic bag ghost that she "helped" make by crumpling newspaper, and a little pumpkin frame magnet with her picture in it (ok, one more gratuitous baby pic - this is what she had on for Halloween)

But I digress. I was talking about missing out on special things with her. I feel like I should be the one to do her first craft with her. I am her mom after all. I just have to keep telling myself that if I didn't work, we wouldn't have a nice house for her to grow up in. Or food. Food is important. (Though we haven't been to the grocery in a few weeks so...there's not a lot going on in our fridge and cupboards these days.) So every night I try to cuddle up with her as much as possible, even if she is having no part of it.

She actually slept all night for three nights (yay!) but then we regressed into getting up at 3am to eat (boo!). C helps now by alternating nights with me but I still hear them get up so it's not like I get extra sleep.

Hmm...what else...I don't know. Everyone else's blogs are always full of fun giveaways and quirky themes and challenges, and I'm sorry to say all you've got is me and my poor exhausted mommy brain! Maybe someday I will get creative again!



A Letter to Amelia

I have actually been writing letters to my future children since I was in high school. Only a couple, mind you, but my mom wrote me a letter for my first birthday and I thought it was pretty cool when I read it years later. In the midst of the chaos of Amelia's first seven weeks of life, I took the time to write one to her and I thought I would share it.

To my sweet baby girl:

This first month or so of being your mommy has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Before you got here Mommy loved to sleep! And I haven't gotten to do nearly as much of that. And when I do you are often sleeping too - on my chest. You have cried a lot because your tummy hurts and it's so hard when I don't know how to help you.

But I am watching you "talk" to your Glo Worm now and it makes me smile - just like you have started to. And I put my thumb up to your tiny little feet and realize they are almost the same size. I get tears in my eyes when I remember cupping your fuzzy little head in the palm of my hand when you were first born because I know you're already growing so much and I am realizing everyone is right when they say I will miss these days. I just wanted to tell you that I love you already and I always will. I can't believe I am a mommy, but I am so happy and blessed to be yours.

Somewhere Out There...

I humbly apologize for being MIA lately. Mommyhood has been all-consuming, as Amelia is what we will call a "high maintenance" baby. Since day one we have had tummy troubles, and she never wants to be put down. I think it's a combo of colic/reflux. We did finally get her on Zantac last Friday and after a terrible day of screaming (her) and crying (me) two days ago, things are a little calmer and she is actually sleeping for a bit in her Rock n Play now.

I have stopped breast feeding, which was a difficult choice for me even though it wasn't something I ever honestly liked doing. Since I couldn't put her down I wasn't able to pump much, so I was the only one who could ever feed her and it was very stressful for me. She seemed to be in more pain with her stomach issues after BFing, so I thought it was for the best for both of us.

Other than that, I need to work on transitioning her to sleeping somewhere other than on me on the couch or recliner at night... I miss my bed, and the current arrangement isn't going to fly when I go back to work in three weeks *tear*. I should note that while she is sleeping on me at night she actually does pretty well with only getting up once or twice a night to eat - I'm hoping this continues when she's not attached to me like a little koala baby (see below).

She is stirring, so I'm going to try to add a couple of pics (in reverse chronological order) for now and I swear I'll be back again someday! Hard to believe she will be one month old tomorrow!

Trying out her playmat for the first time yesterday

Excited to watch her first Bengals game

How we sleep a lot

Mommyhood 101

Things I have learned in the past week or so:

- I miss sleeping in a bed, laying down. Four hours of sleep sitting up on the couch with a baby on my chest is the new "sleeping in."

- Having a newborn is harder than I ever imagined. I am genuinely second guessing having another child even though I've always wanted more than one.

- Receiving blankets will catch on fire if microwaved for too long. (I guess that's why the nurses suggested putting them in the dryer to try to calm her tummy...)

- Showers are a glorious commodity.

- Just when I think we've got it figured out - nope. Nice try.

- When you're looking for something to watch other than infomercials at 4am, there are only a handful of channels to choose from (including Food Network, ESPN, and Fox in case you're curious).

- My mom is awesome. I wouldn't have survived this long without her help.

- I liken breastfeeding to The Da Vinci Code - seriously, why is it so hard to figure out? I doubt cave people had La Leche League to help them.

- Apparently I will miss these sleepless days and nights when they are gone, according to every mom out there.

Hello, world!

Rundown of early labor:
Saturday, Aug. 20 - lost MP around 8:30 am. I'll spare you the details...
Sunday, Aug. 21 - was at the grocery store when I felt "something" - more mucus, tinged pink. Had some crampy feelings all day.
Monday, Aug. 22 - woke up around 1:00 am (thanks to the cat coughing up a hairball). Definite contractions. Went back to sleep until 3:00 am and started having contractions about every 10 minutes. I was timing them only by counting and thought they were 15 seconds long. I later got out my watch and it turns out it was more like 30-40 seconds.

I decided to let C sleep and started putting last minute things together into the hospital bag. To kill some timeI decided to assemble the Rock n Play sleeper...and managed to drop a piece on my toe and it started bleeding. The morning was off to a good start.

I slept off and on from 5:30 to 7:20 when I went to wake up C on the couch. Told him I'd been up all night having contractions but they weren't close enough to go to the hospital.  He was very nonchalant. Got ready for work, kissed me on the forehead and was gone. I told him to stay nearby!

Spent rest of morning watching TV, took a shower. I called my OB's office to see what I needed to do after hours and asked which doctor was on call - of course, the one I didn't want. Sigh.

The contractions lasted all day but weren't getting any closer together - about 10 minutes apart. By about 9 p.m., I decided to call the OB when they were about 6.5 minutes apart (thank you handy dandy contraction app). I was told I could come in to the hospital, and we headed out around 9:30. I couldn't believe this was probably it!

We registered in the ER and my mom and dad met us there. I was taken to observation where they checked me and I was told I was 3 cm (as I had been when I was checked the week before) but 90% effaced and they could feel my water "bulging". The OB came in and told them to go ahead and admit me. She had a C section to handle and then would be back to break my water if need be.

Once I was in the room I got a dose of Fentanyl to take the edge off. I was about 4cm at that point. Once it wore off the contractions were getting pretty painful and I was clinging to the hope of the epidural coming soon. My mom was in the room and C was taking a break in the hall. By the time they got out of surgery, I was 6cm and fully effaced. The doctor came and broke my water at that point, which was pretty uncomfortable but took some of the pressure away temporarily. She told me there was meconium in the fluid, so we would need to keep an eye on her when she came out and they would bring a NICU doctor in just in case. The same thing had happened with my niece so I was hoping everything would be ok.

Then the anestesiologist dropped the bomb: "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we aren't going to be able to give you an epidural because of the infection in your leg." (Remember that mole I had taken off? Yeah, still dealing with that.) Apparently if the infection got into my spine I could end up with a spinal abcess, which could mean I could become paralyzed. I couldn't believe it. I'd planned on the epi and I was already in a lot of pain. I had no idea how I was going to do it. They offered more Fentanyl and I think I got it but it did nothing to take the edge off. I was told that if I could get IV antibiotics in my system for an hour I could get the epi but I knew there wasn't enough time. They hooked me up anyway.

Things progressed pretty quickly at that point. To C's credit, he stayed right by me and did amazingly well. I had been really worried about him passing out or not being able to handle the pressure but he was great. I started pushing somewhere around 2 a.m. from what I can piece together. Her head was stuck so they kept checking me and called the doctor because they knew I would either need an episiotomy or the vacuum. (I ended up with the episiotomy.) The rest is kind of a blur, but at 3:09 a.m. our baby girl arrived. They put her on my stomach all slippery and screaming which was good news because of the meconium.

All in all I definitely didn't get the birth I planned on and I would never do it without an epi again given the choice. I give so much credit now to women who choose to go natural!

Here are some pics from the hospital:

Amelia Grace, 7 lbs, 3.8 oz, 20 inches long

Born 8/23/11 at 3:09 a.m.

Headed home