Christmas 2010

Our Christmas was the usual whirlwind of visiting family. I won't bore you with the details, but Christmas Eve meant my husband spent the day with his dad and brothers - I made a quick stop there and then spent the evening with my family at my grandma's and church. Christmas Day we did our own presents at home (finally got my Snuggie - whoo hoo! haha). Then we headed to my parents', my grandma's, his grandma's, and his mom's.

Baby Miller Reveal #1 happened at my mom and dad's. Once everyone had opened presents, I gave my sister a gift bag and said, "Oh, this one's for (my niece) too." It was this onesie:

She opened it and said, "Big cousin?!" and her fiance said, "Big cousin?!" and my mom says, "Big cousin?!" But my mom didn't get it at first! She saw the pink outfit and thought it was a shirt my dad had bought my niece and thought he got the wrong one! My sister sarcastically said, "Yes mom, their cat is having kittens," and my mother says, "The cat is having kittens?" and I was like, "Mooommm!" (She's really ditzy sometimes!) Finally she got it and was like, "I can't believe you kept this a secret!" But of course they were happy and excited.

Reveal #2 came at my husband's mom's house. His mom and stepdad already knew, if you recall, but I wanted to break the news to his siblings, especially my friend K who dates his brother and his pregnant SIL who I promised to tell right away.

I pulled the same trick and said, "This one's for (niece to be)," and gave the same onesie to my SIL in a gift bag. We finished opening presents and K says to my SIL, "You haven't opened (niece's) present." She's like, "Oh, right!" So she opened it and said, "Big cousin!?" and her eyes got big and she looked at me and I said, "Hopefully it will fit her in August!" And K goes, "Are you pregnant?!?" and I said yes, and she said, "That is a VERY big secret to keep from me!" And they both got all teary eyed, and my hubby's brother says, "I SO called it!" (He had texted my husband when we were out to eat the other day asking if I was pregnant because I hadn't been drinking.) Then my SIL and I started talking pregnancy, which was nice - we go to the same ob/gyn so it will be nice to know what to expect in the next few months.

So Christmas was a success! Unfortunately yesterday I came down with the flu, so I've spent a couple of days on the couch telling my little appleseed to hang in there while mom tries to get better! Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

No news is good news

I have spent the days since my BFP being terrified of something happening to our little Sprout (as I've now taken to calling him/her. Last night I told my husband, "Sprout's hungry again." hehe). I did force myself to stop temping and stop testing a few days ago. Then I asked my doctor's office if I could get my initial bloodwork done early, since otherwise it wouldn't be done until my 1st appointment on Jan. 18.

Yesterday I went to get the bloodwork done at a lab and asked the tech if they would check for numbers doubling, etc... and she said, "Oh no, they only do that if there's a problem. This is just a prenatal panel." Basically they were testing for diseases and such, and I had to pee in a cup. Crap - I wanted betas! So after a brief freakout, I told myself that if it weren't for The Bump, I would have no clue about betas, and I should just resign myself to the fact that I am pregnant like any sane person in the real world!

It was very surreal to have a "real" person ask, "When are you due?" and "Is this your first?" It caught me off guard! I think by telling my parents and our siblings on Christmas it will start to feel more real too. I have very few symptoms, so it's still just hard to believe.

So I'm taking this one day at a time, thanking God every morning and night for our Christmas miracle, and asking him to give us a healthy pregnancy and baby.

In case I don't "see" you all before Christmas, I wish my dear readers a wonderful, safe holiday filled with family, friends, food and lots of great presents ;o)

Why my husband doesn't work for the CIA

I might kill my husband. Ok, lest that ends up in some sort of legal records somewhere, let me say I'm kidding. Kind of.

Last night I came home from work, and we were headed to dinner with some friends. I said, "I won't be drinking, don't you think they're going to notice?" (Not that I'm a lush, but I usually have a beer or wine with dinner.)

And he says, "How long are you planning to wait to tell everyone anyway? I already told Mom."

I went from zero to Irish in about 10 seconds.

"WHAT?! I told you not to tell anyone yet!"

"I'm excited! I had to tell! You know I can't keep a secret!"

"Yes, but I needed you to keep THIS secret! I told you that! Things can still go wrong! I'm about 2 seconds pregnant -"

"Two DAYS..."

"It doesn't matter."

"I may have told my dad too..."

Oh. My. God. His dad dates this woman who has the biggest mouth on the planet. If she finds out, game over. Now I feel like I have to tell my parents too, before they find out secondhand. I had been thinking MAYBE we would be telling our parents and siblings on Christmas (at 5 weeks) if things were still ok.

Oh, then he threw in the kicker, because I was close to tears - "Are you getting all pregnant and emotional already?"

I went upstairs to get ready to leave, about to lose it, then felt a little bad after the fact. I have all of my wonderful online friends to talk to, and he doesn't have anyone. I know he's excited. But it's just still so early.

I'm so worried this baby won't stick. I think I'm going to call my doctor's office on Monday to see if I can have bloodwork done because they didn't order any. Decent betas would make this easier, I think, because I keep taking tests and I confess that I'm still temping. The tests are getting slightly darker, but are still light, and my temp has gone down a little. It just fuels my fears.

Stick, Miller Lite, stick...
(Thanks to Kathy for that nickname, hehe)

Oh, baby!

"For a long time there were only your footprints & laughter in our dreams & even from such small things, we knew we could not wait to love you forever." ~storypeople.com

I've referenced this Story People "story" before, but today it is so much more meaningful - I'm pregnant! I got a faint second line on an HPT this morning... and I'm still not convinced it's real.

I had had some symptoms that could've been anything - feeling tired, crampy, having a lot of sinus issues, and a kind of burning/aching feeling in my boobs. I was convinced I was making all of it up as I do every month. This morning I took a test and was remarkably calm when I saw that line show up. I just got in the shower and started doing my hair and putting on my makeup! Then I dug the Bengals onesie I'd bought a few cycles ago out of the closet, and when my husband woke up I told him Santa had brought him an early Christmas present. He opened the bag and I said, "You might not want it at this point, but..." (because the Bengals are having a terrible season). And he stared at me, and I said, "I took a test this morning." And he said, "Seriously?!" Then he came and hugged me and said, "That's awesome!"

When I showed him the test he asked if I was sure it was positive, and I assured him that after staring at all of those blank white spaces for months that I knew what it was! I will still follow up with a digital to prove it to him and I'm sure I'll be peeing on sticks for a few days to convince myself too. I told him, "Just so you know, it's gonna be a girl." And when he went to leave for work he said very nonchalantly, "See you girls tonight!" *insert my giant smiling face here*

The morning was so ridiculously ordinary that it is hard to believe. I called my doctor's office and set up my first appointments - my nurse's appt is on Jan. 18 (around 8-9 weeks), and my first OB appt is the first week of February. How will I ever wait that long?!?

With all of the happiness, though, I am also scared. I have seen so many of my lovely Bumpies come back to the board all too soon due to chemical pregnancies and miscarriages, and I know that I have a long road ahead. I am just hoping and praying that this Christmas miracle sticks, and that we get to bring home a beautiful, healthy baby at the end of August!

The Days of Our Lives (or I guess The Days of MY Life)

Here's a recap of my past 24 hours for your reading enjoyment:

Monday, Monday...

• Temp drop + cramps = my outlook is not too great for this cycle. I will test on Thursday at 12DPO if I get that far.

• Shoveled 5 inches of snow OFF my car, and was 25 minutes late to work because the roads were awful.
• While leaving work I found a $20 bill in the hall near the credit union office (the same CU I used to work for). I decided to be a good Samaritan and go in and ask if anyone had just taken out money and possibly dropped it. The tellers said no...then suggested I could donate it to the charity they support for sick kids at Christmas. Damn it. I really could've used that money... but I suppose 'tis the season and all. And I secretly hoped perhaps it would bring me some good karma... you know, of the baby sort? *blushes*
• We had been wanting to replace our fireplace doors, and we got lucky when my husband found a brand new set in our garage, still in the box! He decided to try to insulate them with spray foam, which several people questioned due to the heat...but it had held up. Until last night.
  
  He brought home some skids from where he works to burn in the fireplace, and I threw several pieces on the fire...not realizing how hot they would burn! I'm not sure what the fires of hell look like, but I'm pretty sure this was it. It got so hot the foam started melting and smelling all chemically, and our family room started filling up with smoke. I was pretty sure the house was going to burn down.
  
  Thankfully after opening the windows and trying to fan the smoke out, the fire burned down enough that I wasn't convinced of our imminent death.
• Shortly after the fire incident, my husband left to put gas in his car because he was "running on fumes" and the wind chills where we are have been below zero. When he got back, I heard this huge thud and him yelling, "Fuck!" I thought he had dropped something. After a couple of minutes I went to investigate and found the basement door open, and him laying on the basement floor holding his head.
  
  Me: "Oh my God, are you ok!?"
  Him: "I don't know."
  "Are you bleeding?!"
  "I don't know."
  "Do you know what day it is?"
  "YES, I know what day it is."
  Turns out in his wet, snow covered shoes, he'd fallen at the top of the basment steps and slid all the way down, hitting his head on the steps! Thankfully he was ok, minus a headache and a bump on the back of his head.

Onward and upward to today

• Woke up to temp and thought it was Saturday. Hmm, was I ever sadly disappointed...
• Temp went up minimally. Not impressed. Couldn't enter it in FF until I got to work because my Blackberry's wireless wasn't working.
• Drove to work and was only 10 minutes late today, because people don't know how to drive and there were random quarter-mile stretches covered in ice. Did I mention the wind chill is like 10 below zero?
• Nearly cried several times on the way to work because of music...and the sight of all the dirty snow on the side of the road. I'm a basket case.
• On the plus side, my friend B was nice enough to go to our house and let the delivery people in so we could finally get our dining room table! Yay! Granted, the chairs are on back order and the buffet hasn't come in yet, but at least we don't have an empty dining room anymore! (Pics to come.)

So there you go. My week so far, and it's only Tuesday!

We need a little Christmas now

"Santa's tried his best but that one's a little hard... Sometimes what Santa wants to give a good little girl like you is patience." ~Santa Beiste (Glee)

I'd been feeling pretty optimistic this cycle. Our timing was good, my boobs have been sore - a symptom I never have - and I keep thinking, "It's Christmas! My prayers have to be answered!"

Today, though, my boobs are not as sore, and as much as I like to think my chart looks great it's not that far off from two cycles ago. So today I am an emotional wreck (maybe a symptom?? Maybe?!?) and I am realizing my hope for being pregnant this month is bordering on desperation. I need this to be it. I don't know how to start a new year not knowing how long this journey is going to last. I need to be able to get through Christmas and my niece's 1st birthday and New Year's and my sister-in-law's baby shower without the stress and self pity that will inevitably ensue if this isn't it.

The quote up above from Glee's Christmas episode really struck a chord with me. I've realized how much I've been hanging my hopes on a Christmas miracle, but just as Santa couldn't magically make Artie's legs work, the fact remains that just because it's Christmas doesn't mean I'm going to get what I asked for.

In the end, the prettiest charts in the world don't guarantee a BFP. Phantom symptoms can be all in my head. But this Christmas, I guess I'll keep clinging to the hope that Santa got my letter and brings me what I want more than anything else in the world.

"And I don't need boxes wrapped in strings/Or designer love or empty things/Just the chance that maybe we'll find better days..." - Goo Goo Dolls

Why I'm getting KTFU this cycle

1. I only have 10 days of VIP Fertility Friend left, meaning it ends at 14DPO. Coincidence? I think not.

2. The timing would be bad. My sister's wedding is less than 3 weeks after my EDD for this cycle, and I'm supposed to be in the wedding (just me and one other girl) and I will be heavily involved in the planning. Murphy's Law dictates that I will get pregnant soon.

3. This is cycle 5 for me, which is the same cycle my TTGP friends StickAround and MayBug got their BFPs. And I want to be just like them when I grow up.

4. The oh-so-scientific Chinese predictor thing says I should be having a girl. I really want baby #1 to be a girl.

5. I now own maternity jeans (see previous post). There was only one pair and they were my size. I should, by the rules of the universe, get to wear them soon.

6. Oh, and because we actually had sex on my O day. And a few days before. Which has never happened. (I'm not sure if that's as important as buying the maternity jeans, but it probably helps.)

Patience is not a virtue I possess. I need a fast forward button to next week. I'm getting my hopes up since our timing was good and, after all, everyone deserves a BFP for Christmas... I'm afraid I'm setting myself up for major disappointment just in time for the holidays. Oh well - if not then at least then I can become a total holiday wino!

Got the cart, now where's the horse?

I have to confess my first cart before the horse purchases. I am borderline embarassed to admit this...but I bought a diaper bag and maternity jeans over the weekend! I was at Marshalls on Saturday and found an adorable diaper bag that was only $13, and my friend K (who is a total shopping enabler) supported my buying it. I said, "It's pink, so I'd better have a girl!" and she said, "You're the mom - you can carry whatever you want!" This is why it's a bad idea for us to go shopping together.

Then we went to Old Navy where I found a pair of maternity jeans in my size on the clearance rack. They were 50% off because they are an online exclusive, and I would get an extra 20% off because of a sale they were having. So they were $15! Who can pass that up? So...I bought them. Told myself it was a sign that they had one pair and they were my size. At the register, the cashier happened to be K's cousin and she says, "You know these are maternity jeans. And they're non-returnable." Me (feeling like a lunatic): "Uh huh."

I promptly took both things home and hid them in the back of my closet. I think maybe I was just feeling optimistic because I am pretty sure I ovulated that day and managed to get in some sexy time with the husband. I really hope it pays off!

In other weekend news, I spent all day yesterday finishing our Christmas tree and putting up decorations. My hubby put up the outdoor lights Saturday. And I even got out the plexiglass panels to winterize our front screened-in porch last night! It was a cold, tedious job but at least we don't have snow blowing onto the porch anymore.

I even tried my hand at baking - which, if you recall from my "I'm a Terrible Housewife" post, is not something I typically do. My friend's mom used to make these awesome little pastries called kolaches (I've seen various spellings) that have jam in them, so I found a pretty simple recipe and tried it out. Here are some of the better results (on the left) and the ones that didn't stick together on the right:

They weren't great. They were pretty bland and didn't stay together very well. I think I'm going to look for another recipe or see if my friend can get me her mom's.

So all in all, a very busy and productive weekend!

My lips are (kind of) sealed

A brief recap of what I posted on the TTGP board - I talked to my mom, who told me she had sensed that I wasn't excited about my friend being pregnant. So she asked if we were trying, and I confessed that we are. She asked how long, and I told her. She told me she was sorry because she didn't know, and that it can take awhile. Thankfully she also promised not to be bug me about it. So that's that. I feel better now. I'm not sure why I didn't tell her from the beginning, but I think maybe just because I wanted it to be a surprise when we do get pregnant. Which, with the roll I'm on telling people, it may not be a surprise to anyone!

Yesterday I started making a mental list of the people who know we are TTC. In order of when they found out, they are:

1. My best friend, A - She knew we were going to start trying months in advance, because she and her husband are going to be trying soon too and we talk about everything. We spent hours talking about babies and pregnancy long before my hubby and I got down to business. Now I've turned her on to charting, and it's so fun to stalk her!
2. My SIL - When she got pregnant (on birth control) she was totally freaked out and told me I should get pregnant with her. So I told her we were planning to start trying the following month.
3. My friend K (who dates my BIL) - I told her when we found out SIL was pregnant.
4. My two BILs - When my husband started having some performance issues, he talked to his brothers, so they know what's up too. I guess I shouldn't be the only one to get to confide in someone...
5. My friend B - She badgered it out of me. I dodged the conversation once, then finally caved and gave her the details.
6. Random former co-worker I visited recently - She asked, and caught me totally off guard (we never had that kind of a friendship!), so I just said, "Yeah..."
7. My (now pregnant) friend J - I spilled when she told me she was pregnant the other night, as I mentioned. I said we were trying, so maybe our kids could be friends like we were.
8. My mom (and therefore presumably my dad)
9. Oh, and hundreds of Internet strangers from TTGP. haha

There are still people who I don't want to know - my MIL, who can't keep a secret to save her life; my husband's dad and gf (because they are simply not tactful human beings); and a few other friends. My sister doesn't know either, but we've never had that kind of relationship. My mom had to be the one to tell me she was pregnant with my niece.

It's nice to have people in the loop, but I don't want to announce our pregnancy the second it happens, so I think they'll all be on the lookout for red flags like not drinking or not feeling well... oh well! Can't put the cat back in the bag now!

A gratuitous "cat out of the bag", not-so-great-quality shot of my kitty when she was a baby:

"I need another story/Something to get off my chest/My life gets kind of boring/Need something that I can confess...I'm gonna give all my secrets away..." - One Republic

Ain't that a kick in the head...

One of my oldest friends (we grew up across the street from each other, but she lives out of state now) just called me. She never calls me. I knew what was coming.

J: "I wanted to call and tell you my news."

Me: "Your news?"

J: "I'm pregnant!"

Me: (fumbling for something to say) "Oh my gosh! Yay!"

J: "I'm 9 weeks but I didn't want to tell anyone until now - I just had a doctor's appointment today. I'm due 4th of July."

Me: (trying not to cry because 4th of July was my phantom EDD two cycles ago) "Aw, how cool!"

J: "Yeah, kind of. Not sure how I feel about that due date but oh well! Nothing I can do about it now! We didn't think it would happen so quick!"

Me: (afraid I don't want to know the answer) "Can I ask how long you were trying?"

J: "One month! It was kind of crazy!"

Me: (dying) "Haha, yeah I bet."

I ended up telling her we are trying, and that maybe we'll have babies the same age so they can grow up friends just like we did even though we don't live near each other, commented on this being the REAL reason she just got a new SUV, blah blah blah.

Then I got off the phone and walked downstairs and poured myself a glass of wine.

Icing on the cake - my mom called 5 minutes later to tell me J's mom called to tell her the news, and she "jumped up and down in the living room". Then added how exciting it was, but how she doesn't want me or my sister to be pregnant right now. I don't know what that means. I told her my phone was cutting out (as it does in our house) and went upstairs to cry.

I don't say this in my online writings much, but fuck. Just fuck.

Thanksgiving Weekend 2010 (in pictures)

My precious niece's first Thanksgiving (complete with "My 1st Thanksgiving" bib from her awesome aunt):

My husband's new toy, which he's been stalking at Lowe's for months - one side is propane, the other is charcoal:

My new toy, a Black Friday purchase (though I didn't go out until 11:00 am). We'd been needing a new vacuum since we have more carpet in the new house and the world's furriest cat, and I got a great deal on this Shark Navigator:

Picked up one of these while I was out too since the vacuum wasn't terrifically exciting:

On Sunday the tree went up, but isn't decorated yet - the cat doesn't look likely to help anytime soon:

New mirror above the mantel (also a Black Friday purchase) and the stockings are now hung by the chimney with care!

Had a great weekend with family and friends - the only thing I'm not thankful for is that I have to go back to work!

Dear Santa...

As I checked out my one lonely dot on my chart this morning, I started to look ahead to the rest of this cycle. I realized that if I stay around 30 days for my cycle, I'll likely be testing a couple of days before Christmas.

So on Christmas I'll either be looking like this:



Or like this:


Only time will tell... (sorry, couldn't find a royalty free pic for the sad/angry one and this one fit really well! The company I used to work for used Shutterstock all the time, so I feel like I'm allowed to steal this one.)

On another Christmas-y note, I've switched my cell phone's ringtones to holiday ones. Every year I make my husband's ringer "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey because I love it and he hates it. 'Cause I'm evil like that.

Mommy Material

Let me start by saying I love my mom. I talk to her almost every day, and tell her almost everything. I say "almost" because she doesn't know that we are TTC. I think it's a combination of not wanting to get the constant questions/wondering from her, combined with wanting to surprise her and my dad when we do get pregnant.

Well, it seems it is definitely going to be a surprise. Saturday I was talking to her on the phone and we were discussing how I plan to get a new vehicle when my husband's car is paid off next year. I have had the same car for 9 years and it is getting up there in miles. It also is a small two-door that has no cargo room, and I am pretty positive I couldn't even fit a carseat in the back seat. So I was discussing with my mom whether I would want a four-door car (I love the Mazda 3 and 6) or a small SUV. She asks the inevitable question: "Well, are you planning to have kids?"

I say, "Hopefully, someday." (I feel this was truthful.)

She says, "Well, I just wonder about you sometimes."

WTF?

She goes on to tell me that my grandmother recently told her she didn't know if she could see me with kids. And then adds that when she was talking to a woman she has known for many years at the college I used to work at (where my mom still works), this woman says, "Oh no, I couldn't see (MillerTime) having kids." My mom then says my husband and I "want an awful lot" in life. I really have no clue what this means. We don't have plans to travel the world or go sky diving. Or move to a studio apartment in a big city. We just got married last year and upgraded to a 3-bedroom house with a playhouse in the back yard in a family-friendly neighborhood, for heaven's sake.

I just don't get it, and my feelings were hurt. Last year when my mom found out my sister was pregnant (which did not go over well because my sister has a lot of issues, isn't married, etc.) she told me she hesitated to tell me because she thought I'd be upset because she knew I wanted kids. I don't get how that has changed. For years whenever I've held my cousins' babies, my mom has remarked, "You really like babies, don't you?" because she has never been a "baby person". Since my niece was born last December, I have spoiled the crap out of her and make a beeline to pick her up whenever we're visiting. I have talked many times about being a preschool or kindergarten teacher (I worked at a daycare for a year). So what is it about me that says to everyone, "Hey this chick shouldn't have kids!"?

My mom has made comments in the past when I was taking care of my niece that she "can't see me with a baby" because I'm "too intense." I admit it - I'll probably be one of those moms who freak out about every little thing and want my baby on a strict schedule and won't want anyone else to watch him/her. Maybe a little Kate Gosselin-esque...without all the plastic surgery and tabloid fodder. But I will also spoil my baby to pieces and love him/her so much I can't even put it into words.

It probably didn't help that this conversation fell on the eve of the end of my fourth cycle of TTC. But I guess I'll just show 'em all when I finally get pregnant!

"You're entitled to your opinion/But it's really my decision/I can't stop now I'm on a mission/If you care don't you dare blur my vision/Let me be all that I can be/Don't smother me with negativity/Whatever's out there waiting for me/I'm gonna face it willingly..." - Joss Stone

Vintage MT

Since yesterday's post was a little heavy, I thought I'd share something a little more upbeat. Five years ago I worked at a local newspaper writing feature/human interest stories about area communities, but I also wrote a couple of columns. This is one I really liked and I thought it would give you lovely followers (welcome new followers!) a little insight into my craziness outside of TTC. Hope you like it!

A co-worker looked over our cubicle divider the other day and asked, "Has anyone ever told you you're weird?" Rather than being offended, I smiled. I get that a lot.

I have an affinity for many strange things. I am a fan of llamas and wombats. I enjoy watching Antiques Roadshow on PBS, and I find green olives a fantastic addition to any dish.

The latest bit of nonsense in my world is speaking in pirate lingo. A girlfriend and I, for reasons that are surprisingly uninteresting, have decided we were meant to be pirates. Yes, I'm talking eyepatch-wearing, seven seas-sailing, plank-walking pirates. We greet each other with a hearty "Ahoy!" on the phone.

The highlight of our recent trip to Florida was a dinner theater centered around a huge replica of a pirate ship in a lagoon. We had more fun than most of the children for whom I'm sure the show was designed. We shouted and sang along with the pirate cast while seated next to a woman who watched it all in near silence. I'm sure she thought we were crazy. I'm not sure I disagree.

Why am I bothering to tell you about the oddities of my life? Not so you'll refer me for professional help, though that might be in order.

The fact is I've spent plenty of time, especially as a teenager, worrying about what other people thought of me. As I near the grand old age of 24, it has occurred to me that all those cliches about living life to the fullest are very true. A quote I've seen attached to various e-mails is, "Work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one's watching."

I'm a pretty bad dancer. Any time I spend on a dance floor is with the hope that no one is watching. But that doesn't stop me from trying. Nor does it stop my mother, who frequently annoys my 18-year-old sister by singing and dancing in the car while she plays chauffeur.

"Mom! Stop it!" my younger sibling yells in typical embarrassed-teenager fashion. Her outbursts tend to spur me into joining the dance party, which usually leads to more yelling.

"Oh, chill out," Mom tells her.

My sister has yet to discover that ridiculousness is the spice of life.

Who wants to be serious all the time? I guarantee the somber woman I sat by at the pirate show will forget it in a matter of weeks. But five, maybe even 20 years from now my friend and I will pull out our cheesy pirate souvenirs and laugh until we cry.

Go ahead. Sing at the top of your lungs with your car windows rolled down. Let your kids wear their Halloween costumes to the grocery store.

Or if you're feeling particularly carefree, join my friend and me for International Talk Like a Pirate Day this September.

The captain and I insist.

A question of faith

Today I am angry. My temps have pretty much flatlined which is odd, so I caved and took an internet cheapie HPT this morning. BFN, which made me feel oddly calm at the time. That one single line meant I could stop obsessing and wondering, "What if?!" and questioning every slight twinge in my body. I know that 10DPO is "early" statistically speaking, but with an LP of 11-12 days every month I've been charting temps, I fully expect AF to show up sometime in the next 48 hours.

That calm lasted until I got in the car and had a 40 minute commute to ponder the unfairness of life. I know in the grand scheme of things my life is good and I shouldn't complain. I know we've only been trying for 4 months. But I've wanted to be a mom since I was, oh, I don't know... like 5 years old. And for the life of me I can't figure out why the forces of the universe are so against that.

I am not a deeply religious person. I grew up Catholic, but as I got older I took issue with some of the practices and teachings of the church, and I never really felt connected. I still go to church with my parents on holidays, and sometimes I feel a sense of peace just from being in that familiar setting. My husband and I tried going to a couple of churches last year with friends and family, and they weren't really a good fit either. That being said, I do still consider myself a spiritual person - I believe in a higher power, and I talk to God every morning and night. I thank him for the blessings in my life and ask him to take care of the people I care about.

But now...now I am really struggling. I am trying to trust that things will happen when they are meant to happen, but I just don't understand how so many people around me get pregnant accidentally or with so little effort. And why this thing I want more than anything in the world is the thing I can't have. Sure, I'm probably not getting pregnant because my husband and I aren't having enough sex, and at the right times. But why can't that happen? Why does this have to be so difficult for us? And not just us - so many of the awesome ladies on my message board who hope and pray and try and get the same results I do: a single, ugly line staring back at them on an HPT.

So what is it, God? Do you want me to go to church? Are you punishing me for the years of my life I threw away making bad decisions? Are you teaching me that you can't just ask and get what you want in life? Reminding me that I should be grateful for the blessings I do have? I'm trying to have faith, but today I am failing and my heart hurts.

So God, give me the strength to get through today and the patience I need to wait for a beautiful little baby to come into our lives.
---------------------------------------------------

Today's song lyrics come thanks to my morning jam session with my Glee CD, and have a special meaning to me because I played Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz my senior year of high school:

"Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue/and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true/Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me/Where troubles melt like lemon drops/away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me... Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly/birds fly over the rainbow/why, then oh why can't I?"

Inappropriate Comments, Take 2 - I Don't Want a Secondhand Duck

Last night while I took my final exam for the sign language class I took this quarter, my husband went to his dad's house to have an early birthday dinner (his bday is Thursday). I went to pick him up on my way home, and stopped in a for a few minutes to say hi to the family. His dad's girlfriend (who is never exactly soft-spoken or tactful) immediately says, "Come see what I got your baby!"

You're shitting me, right?

She continues babbling as I follow her upstairs: "I got Halloween costumes on clearance for the grandbabies!"
*enters their bedroom where there are little Halloween costumes hanging on the curtain rod*

"I figure we're going to have all these grandkids, so they can recycle them every year. I got the duck and the monkey so (SIL) and (BIL) can choose one next year. And I got your baby the devil costume. Because your little boy will be a little devil! Isn't it cute?!"

Internal monologue as I stand there with a smile plastered on my face: We don't have a baby, but don't you worry, it's not for lack of trying. And when we do, I don't want it to wear a devil costume. I want the adorable duck costume. And I don't want it pre-worn. And I want a girl, not a boy.

"We need more than one grandbaby! I don't want to share (BIL and SIL's)! You guys need to get on making some babies!"

Continue smiling blankly while trying not to cry/scream at her.

I proceeded to say something appropriate but vague like, "Yeah, they are cute." And then went back to the kitchen to see if my husband was ready to leave. This is not the first time she has said something along those lines, but the first time since we have been TTC. And, among many other reasons, this would be why I avoid their house at all costs. Serious in-law fail.

Inappropriate/Awkward Comments - Weekend Edition

Friday at dinner with my husband's family
My husband is saying how he'd like to join the Y or find a hobby because he "never has anything to do when he gets off work."

My brother-in-law (husband of my pregnant SIL, who both know we are TTC): "Maybe you should just go home and have lots of sex and get your wife pregnant like me."

Um...really? He said it in a joking way, but it was so not funny. I changed the topic quickly and made a note to make him feel super awkward in public sometime in the near future.

Saturday Incident #1
The hubby and I are discussing the family vacation next June that his mom has started planning, and I tell him how I hope to be pregnant then, and how I want to 1-not be miserable and fat on vacation on the beach, and 2-may not be able to fly depending on how far along I would be.
"Why?" he asks. I say, "There's some medical reason you can't fly later in your pregnancy. Blood clots or something maybe?" (I haven't exactly researched the reasons at this point.)

Fast forward to sitting at the in-laws' house Saturday night. My MIL is talking about vacation, and my hubby says, "(MillerTime) doesn't want to fly."
MIL: "Why?"
Hubby: "She might get blood clots."
MIL: questioning look at her son like he's lost his mind
Me: *death stare at the hubs* "Nope, actually I would much rather fly. I hate riding in the car."

And also on Saturday
Me: "Does anywhere around here have smoothies? I really want a smoothie." (We are in a new community since we moved - a much smaller one.)

BIL (yep, same one): "Tim Horton's has good ones now. Maybe you're pregnant. (pregnant SIL) always wants smoothies."

Me: dies a little inside - "Anyone want to go to Tim Horton's with me?"

Add those ridiculous instances to the fact that I was badgered by another friend last week until I confessed we are TTC, and then a former co-worker (who I like well enough, just not close enough to share really personal things) flat-out asked if we are trying.

Ugh. Come on miracle baby. I need you this month or I'm going to need to start throat punching people.


Quick edit to include a pic of the black mantel as promised, and our almost done family room (need new fireplace doors, new curtains and new windows, but overall it is looking good!)

I'm a terrible housewife

Since there is nothing new and exciting going on in TTC land (our timing this month was not spectacular, so I am definitely not getting my hopes up), I thought I'd write about something that occurred to me yesterday while I was off work: I am a terrible housewife.

No, really. Here's why:

• I hate to cook. My husband is a great cook and does it all the time. I hate it and am not very good at it, unless it's something coming out of a box or some sort of casserole for which I have a recipe. Last night I made dinner because he worked late, and I felt like I deserved a medal for putting forth the effort. He also packs his own lunch.

• I also don't do my husband's laundry. He tends to do his own, because I am so picky about my stuff not getting dried/shrunk. So he does it himself rather than waiting for me to get desperate enough to do a load or two after not doing any for two weeks. This usually occurs when I am out of underwear.

• I don't garden. If I could afford to  pay someone to come plant flowers and do all those outdoorsy things, I totally would. I hate to get dirty, I am always afraid there are spiders lurking in the underbrush, and well...I just generally don't give a crap. Flowers are nice to look at, but they're just so much freaking work. I mean, you have to remember to water them and stuff... (Don't worry. It won't be like that with my baby. I'll totally water it every day.)

• I refuse to fetch things for my husband out of principle. Need a beer? Need something from the other room? You're out of luck, pal. Get off your butt and do it yourself.

• I don't know how to sew. I can kind of sew a button on if it falls off, but it's not pretty.

So there you go. I am totally domestically challenged. And after 29 years of life, I don't expect it to change anytime soon. Sorry, honey!

November already?

How about a post about... nothing? That's pretty much what I've got going on. Nothing new in TTC news - I am waiting to ovulate and hoping it happens sooner rather than later as it did last month. On the plus side, after some more issues with my husband "finishing," we did some research into an anti-depressant he takes for anxiety and found out the top side effects are sexual ones! So for the time being he is cutting his pills in half and we'll see what happens (so far we're 1 for 1 - yay!).

So many of my girls from my message board have gotten their positive tests the past couple of weeks - I would love to join them soon!

I feel like progress on our house is crawling along. We've gotten estimates on windows, tree trimming, water softeners... now we're just trying to prioritize the projects. I finally found a dining room set that I like and got it ordered last night, but it won't be here until mid-December! Which kind of puts a kink in my plan to have my sister-in-law's baby shower the first week of Dec. We don't have many places to sit, lol. There is also more painting to do but I am having a hard time picking a color for our front room/dining room because everything is open and connected.

We have been able to beat the cold nights with a fire in the fireplace already! The mantel is getting painted black whenever I get around to buying that paint - hopefully this weekend. I can't wait to put our stockings up there! I'm such a dork. (And don't worry - I love Christmas but am not one of the crazies who already have my tree up.)

"Oh the weather outside is frightful/but the fire is so delightful/and since we've no place to go..."
Oh wait. Scratch that. I don't want snow yet! If it snowed one day a year - Christmas - I would be a happy girl. But unfortunately that's not how it works in Ohio. *sigh*

Stepping Back

I am trying to take the opportunity of cycle #3 coming to an end to take a deep breath and stop obsessing over getting pregnant. In all reality this may only last about a week, but I welcome the breaks I take from temping every morning and feeling the need to obsessively check my chart first thing every day. I wake up every morning and try to remember to thank God for the blessings I have in my life and remind myself that things could be a lot worse.

On my Trying to Get Pregnant message board we usual have a Thankful Thursday, but I need a good reminder sometimes, so I'm having a Thankful Monday:

• I am thankful for my best friend. She lives 3 hours away and we don't see each other nearly enough, but I love her for her support and understanding. Nothing is TMI, and we always "get" each other.
• I am thankful for my husband. Between our new house and TTC, we have been arguing more than usual, but I try to bite my tongue and apologize when I know I should. He made an awesome beef stew for dinner last night - so I am also always thankful for his cooking!
• I am thankful for my cat :o) She is a total spaz and her fur is everywhere, and usually I won't let her sleep with us because she can't stay still. But last night she cozied up with us in bed and I didn't have the heart to kick her out. I only woke up to her tail in my face once!
• I am thankful for my family. My parents are always there for me, and I don't know what I would do without them.

So there's my warm and fuzzy post to take the edge off the last one. Not much else to report in my life - still working on the house. Immediate projects in the queue:

• paint the back of the bathroom door
• get my husband to finish our downstairs bathroom
• clean the gutters yet again so our basement doesn't flood (someday we will need to get gutter guards)
• get an estimate on windows tomorrow
• buy a water softener because the one in the basement doesn't work and our water is terrible
• find a dining room table (found one, just not sure if it's big enough)
• paint the front room and dining room (what color? not sure)
• start hanging pictures and things on the walls!

We want to have a housewarming party and I was aiming for Nov. 13, but we'll see how that goes. Hopefully this week goes quickly because I am already tired!

Pity Party, Table for 1

Well, this is what I get for getting my hopes up. A huge temperature drop and every sign that my period is just around the corner. For good measure I took an HPT this morning. Just a nail in the proverbial coffin, I suppose - I had to see the concrete proof that once again, I am not pregnant.

Things looked so different this time around that I was sure - as was everyone else in my little internet bubble - that this was it. Last night I went to Old Navy while waiting on an oil change and they had Bengals onesies. My internal monologue: "Should I or shouldn't I?...I could always bring it back...this must be a sign!" So I bought it, thinking it would be so great to give it to my husband to tell him we were pregnant. I knew better, but I couldn't help myself.

This morning my husband got up after I did - after I'd already been devastated by the results on the thermometer and the lonely single pink line on the test. He had no clue that there was any possibility I was pregnant because I don't tell him most of the details. He started telling me about a stupid dream he had that I cheated on him and how mad he was when he woke up. And then he hugged me like he does every morning, and I said to his shoulder, "So... I'm not pregnant again." And I cried and told him how I really thought I was... and he said all the appropriate things about how it will happen for us, and how he loves me. He made a joke about the guy from his dream that I had "cheated" with (a former coworker of ours) in an attempt to get me to smile, and I said, "Even he has a baby. Why do all the idiots get babies?!" and cried some more.

And then I spent my 40 minute commute trying not to cry. And then came to work and tried not to cry. And then busied myself enough so that I wasn't near tears anymore, and then I came to write this post because I had to get it out somewhere... and I'm trying not to cry again.

I don't know how some women do this for so long. I really don't. Cycle #4, here I come...

"I never thought I'd end up here/Never thought I'd be standing where I am/I guess I kind of thought that it would be easier than this/I guess I was wrong now, one more time... Where will this end, it goes on and on/Over and over, and over again/Keep spinning around, I know that it won't stop/'Til I step down from this for good...Sick cycle carousel/This is a sick cycle carousel..." -Lifehouse

The roller coaster continues

Today my temp went back up. I was determined not to test today, so maybe tomorrow or Saturday I'll try again. I have been feeling pretty crappy the last couple of days - dizzy and starving all the time. And I fell asleep on the couch last night at 9:00 and woke up feeling like I'd been hibernating for a year (though that isn't totally unheard of for me, lol). I hope it's not all in my head...or that I'm coming down with the flu or something. That would just be a cruel trick.

Confession: I haven't mentioned anything to my hubby yet because 1 - I think I'm afraid that if I say it out loud, I'll jinx it, and 2 - I don't want to get his hopes up if it's all for nothing. I typically don't tell him much about when I am going to O, when I expect my period, etc. so if it happens it will be a total surprise I think!

In cart before the horse news, I have started looking at "big cousin" onesies for my niece and my "still baking" niece on cafepress.com because that's how I plan to tell my sister and my sister-in-law. And maybe our parents too, if I can get everyone together... then I yell at myself for getting ahead of things. One day at a time...

"We're on this roller coaster ride/Hold on I'll stay here by your side/We head up to the sky then we slide back down..." - Sugar Ray

I caved...FML.

I had 10 internet cheapie HPTs that came with my OPKs, so I caved and dipped one this morning at 10DPO because I knew I would once again spend all day agonizing over, "Am I? No? Yes? Maybe!?"

Of course it was negative. It made me feel both better and worse. Better because I am no longer obsessing about whether I'm pregnant, and worse because... well I'm not pregnant. The mantra on the message board I frequent is, "You're not out 'til Aunt Flo shows," and techincally it could be too soon to turn a test, but deep down I know it's not happening. My temp went down a little today, and I'm expecting it will head south again tomorrow.

I give so much credit to the girls who have been doing this for months and months. Three months in and I am ready to throw in the towel. We've had good timing the past two months, and the fear is creeping in that there is something medically wrong with one of us.

Pity party confession: I am avoiding my pregnant sister-in-law. Every time I hear about the baby kicking or see her pregnant belly I feel like I might have a panic attack. And yet I volunteered to throw her a shower at my house, and continue to tell her that if she needs help with the nursery to let me know. I feel like such a faker.

I think a mental health day is in order soon... or better yet, I wish we could afford a vacation...

Yikes, spikes!

This morning my basal temp jumped - higher than it's ever been, in fact. At this point in the game I am usually on a downward slope as temps go, meaning I am out of the baby game. But this temp - it is freaking me out and giving me a sense of hope that I pray isn't in vain. I wish I had a fast forward button for the rest of the week. Depending on what my temps do, I may be testing soon. When depends on how the temps hold up and how long I can stand it. Needless to say, I am a total waste of space at work today!

"Sometimes, I get so tense/But I can't speed up the time...All we need is just a little patience." - G&R

The obsessing resumes

Last month I was not very hopeful about my chances of getting pregnant. I'm not sure why, I was just a little more laid back about it. It was kind of nice. Disappointing when it wasn't a winning cycle, but still not completely devastating.

Cue this month - cycle #3. My first two cycles of taking my temp and charting I ovulated on days 20 and 21, respectively. This month my O day crept up on me - CD 14. And as luck would have it, we had decent timing in the sex department without even trying (since I had no clue I was about to O). My chart looks completely different so far this month, and I have no idea what to make of it. Thus the obsessing.

Vitamin C - it's not just for flu season

I have a theory about the completely different cycle this month. I could be way off, and I am certainly not a doctor, but found some interesting information thanks to my BFF Google. I had taken Ester C supplements (vitamin C that doesn't make my acid reflux-prone tummy upset) for many months. I stopped taking it a few months ago because I ran out of coupons and there weren't the usual flu season BOGO sales at Kroger. And I'm cheap. Recently I resumed taking it because I work on a college campus and the kids carry more germs than a toddler in daycare (and I used to work in a toddler room at a daycare, so I know.) But I digress.

Stick with me here. When I Oed on CD 20 and 21, my luteal phase (LP) was 11-12 days. Which isn't in the dangerously short range that prevents implantation, but it isn't exactly a great length either (less than 10 days is cause for concern). On a whim I Googled "vitamin C and luteal phase" and found several articles like this one linked to a study: Vitamin C Increases Fertility in Women with Luteal Phase Defect.

I really have no way of knowing if this is true for me. If this cycle is another no-go, it will be interesting to see when I ovulate next month if I continue taking the supplements. In the meantime, I'm just playing the waiting game for another week to see where it takes me. Hopefully to Babyland!

All about me!

Thanks to Mrs. B for tagging me in her most recent post. Apparently I am now supposed to share seven things about myself and tag 15 others... but unfortunately I don't follow many other blogs yet and she tagged a few I already subscribe to! So I guess I'll just be vain and focus only on myself.

1 - I am more of a cat person than a dog person. Dogs are so demanding and in your face!

2 - I am extremely anal about grammar and spelling. My degree is in journalism and I am usually the go-to proofreader at any job I have (per Murphy's Law, I will inevitably misspell something in this post).

3 - I am currently taking a sign language class at the college I work for. It's always fascinated me, and I hope it will come in handy in the Disability Services office where I work. (I took one quarter in undergrad, but lost most of it because I never used it.)

4 - I like to make up my own silly lyrics to songs. Like to Rascal Flatts "What Hurts the Most" - every time it comes on I sing, "What hurts the most... Is eating burnt toast".

5 - I have a serious shoe and purse problem. When we moved, my brother-in-law said, "I think I carried in at least five huge boxes that said 'shoes'." Yup. You sure did.

6 - I have a huge extended family. My mom has six sisters and one brother and I have tons of cousins and second cousins. They are loud and crazy and I love it.

7 - I love tradition. I don't do well with change when it comes to things like Christmas and Thanksgiving because I love spending time with my family and having everything the same as it was when I was growing up.

So that's all about me! In other news, we brought our cat home to our new house last night. I'm not sure who was more traumatized - her or me. We kept trying to get her in the cardboard cat carrier and she kept freaking out and squeezing out of it. We'd catch her and try to put her back in only to have her escape again. I felt so bad!

Finally we just wrapped her in a beach towel and my husband held her, wrapped up like a little kitty burrito, and she cried pitifully all the way home. I was afraid she would be mad and hide for days like she did when we took her to my mom's, but she spent awhile exploring the house and when I woke up this morning she was curled up in bed with me. I seriously almost cried! She never sleeps with us because she usually attacks us in our sleep or cries or wreaks some kind of havoc. But I had to leave the door open so the a/c unit from the spare room would circulate in our room. (By the way, no one should need a/c in October in Ohio.)

So I am very thankful that our little family is all together under one roof again.

Weekend house progress: Ripped the disgusting gray 70s shag carpet out of the closet in the spare room all by myself! Had to pull up the tack strips and staples and my knees are killing me but it was worth it - the hardwoods underneath are in decent shape and I got lots of clothes put away. Now we just have to clear out the rest of the room so we can get the remaining carpet out. Here's a pic of the spare room before it was full of stuff:

I need a junk food intervention

If it's true that you are what you eat, I am an unhealthy mess. Which may not be wholly inaccurate these days between moving and TTC. Since this week has been spent moving our stuff into the new house and painting, unpacking, etc., my eating habits have been absolutely deplorable. My husband usually cooks fantastic meals when we're at home, and we eat plenty of veggies, whole grains, chicken, etc. In stark contrast, here is my dinner menu from the past week:

• Sunday - Dairy Queen coney dog
• Monday - chili
• Tuesday - hot dog (totally forgot that's essentially what I had Sunday)
• Wednesday - Wendy's cheeseburger combo meal (I did get a Diet Coke though...)
• Thursday - an oatmeal cookie (I wish I were kidding.)

I am actually borderline embarassed about that list. But not embarrassed enough to keep me from admitting I am sitting here eating Sour Patch Watermelons at 10:00 a.m.

And speaking of being a mess, I had a horrifying dream this morning about a plane crashing in the field behind my parents' house. After it crashed, I was supposed to get on a plane from the same airline and ended up panicking and running off the plane, at which point I woke up with my heart pounding out of my chest. Interpretation via Google and one of those dream interpretation websites:

"To dream that a plane crashes, suggests that you have set overly high and unrealistic goals for yourself.  Your goals may be too high and are impossible to realize. You are in danger of having it come crashing down. Alternatively, your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt toward the goals you have set for yourself is represented by the crashing airplane; you do not believe in your ability to attain those goals. Loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified."

Well. That's pretty much spot on, now isn't it? I'm afraid of not being able to get pregnant, and I am afraid we have bitten off more than we can chew with this house. Especially after my husband destroyed the bathroom while I went to Walmart (while it definitely needed redone, it was not on my "things that need done immediately" list, that's for sure).

Here's a before and after:

I immediately blew up at him, but have since cooled off and just told him, "Fix it." He should have plenty of time since I am insisting that we finally move into the house for good this weekend.

Holy TGIF! And in honor of a new month and the cool temperatures here, some lyrics:

"Summer has come and passed...Wake me up when September ends." - Green Day

"We watch the season pull up its own stakes/And catch the last weekend of the last week/Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced/Another sun soaked season fades away..." - Dashboard Confessional

It just comes natural

Sometimes deep thoughts occur to me out of the blue on my 40 minute commute (because what else am I going to do but curse other drivers and sing along at the top of my lungs to my Glee CD). Today it hit me - why it is that I am struggling so much to control TTC. The fact is that in the past, things have naturally come to me with very little effort on my part. I don't mean that in a conceited way. It's just... true.

For example:

• I was first chair in band for many years with minimal practice (that means #1 in your instrument's section for those of you who weren't band nerds)
• I got the lead in the school musical my senior year (man, I'm really starting to sound like a nerd)
• I got a 36 in English on my ACTs (and nerdier still...)
• I applied to one college and got in, early admission, to a somewhat selective program
• I have long procrastinated writing assignments until the last minute, and inevitably been praised for my great work. (The nerd alarm is off the charts!)

That is not to say that my life has been without challenges. Trust me, I've dealt with some doozies over the years. But that's another story for another time. The bottom line is that when something doesn't come easily to me, I don't know how to handle it. When I am met with the unknown or unexpected, one of two things happen: I panic (included some bonafide panic attacks and physical maladies at times) or I take charge (I am actually a pretty good person to have around in a crisis thanks to category two). But it seems TTC has fallen into that second category as well, with a side of category one.

I know it's not unusual, but I am obsessed with all of the processes and timing that go along with it. It is hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I cannot control something and that there is some work involved in this. I'm trying to let go a little and maybe I will over time, but I think part of it is just who I am.

My mom has pointed out that I will be the total opposite of my sister when I am a parent. My sister is so laid back with my niece and just goes with the flow. I will be the control freak that is afraid to let anyone else care for my child and sanitizes and baby proofs everything.

So for now, I need to focus on some deep breathing and take the advice of the Beatles:

"Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be..."

Clicking my ruby red heels

Last night was my first visit to our new house since closing two days ago. My hubby didn't go with me (he is so nonchalant about this whole thing!) so I had awhile just to wander the house by myself. I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that it is OUR house.  After a year of searching, the ups and downs of trying to sell our condo, having a buyer fall through, then a renter fall through... it was really surreal.

His stepdad and brother were awesome enough to move almost all of our stuff into the house while we were at work yesterday, so I started arranging some furniture and realized we are going to need to buy a lot more! Our old condo was so small that our furniture barely puts a dent in the big rooms in this house. It's an amazing problem to have!

The previous homeowners left a gift on the counter (wine, pasta, sauce and bread), which I thought was very sweet:

Too bad they left red wine - that's my hubby's favorite but I prefer sweet whites (riesling, moscato). Guess I'll have to get my own bottle!

At closing, the wife was very emotional about the sale. She said how much they had loved the house - that it was their first home together, where they brought their babies home. It made me a little emotional, too, because of course I hope it is where we will bring our own babies home.

It was hard to go back to the inlaws' to sleep last night - I'm going to spend all my free time unpacking and organizing so we can be moved in this weekend. (I've never been the kind of person who can live out of boxes. I've gotta get it all done NOW!) I will try to post pics as we do some projects and paint to make it our own.

In the words of one Dorothy Gayle from Kansas, "There's no place like home..."

What is your favorite thing about your home?

Let me go home...

Michael Bublé has inspired my post yet again today. "Another summer day has come and gone away... but I want to go home/Let me go home..."

I have been living with my in-laws for going on two weeks now, and it will likely be another two or three until we close on our house. The current occupants of the house are me and my husband, his brother and sister-in-law (who is pregnant) while they finish work on their new house, his mom and stepdad, and four large dogs. Honestly, it hasn't been so bad because we are rarely all there/awake at the same time, but it just isn't home. Some of the things I can't wait for when we move out:

1. Doing my own laundry. I am very picky about laundry and I don't dry most of my shirts. When we're home even my husband doesn't touch my laundry because he's afraid of doing something wrong. After doing a load of laundry the other day, I accidentally left the hamper downstairs by the washer, and my husband's stepdad took it upon himself to help out. He shrunk a shirt I bought two weeks ago and I had to go buy a replacement. And I am also missing a brown cardigan from Gap that I'm sure his stepdad has picked up in one of his borderline OCD cleaning frenzies.

2. Having my cat back. She is currently living with my parents because the four large dogs (two that live at the house, two belonging to my BIL and SIL) would probably eat her. When we were moving out of our condo she spent a day cowering in the bathtub, so I didn't want to subject her to more trauma. I miss my furbaby.

3. Not being afraid I look like a clown when I leave the house. The lighting in our bathroom is less than desireable, and I put my makeup on every morning fearing I have missed some streaks of foundation or mascara or have drawn my eyeliner an inch under my eye. And speaking of bathrooms...

4. Being able to brush my teeth in the morning without worrying about catching my brother-in-law in his underwear (or worse). The bathroom is all mine in the morning until about 5 minutes before I leave for work, which is when I brush my teeth. It's also the exact time my BIL gets in the shower. Eek!

5. Having access to my entire wardrobe. Every closet in the in-laws' house is crammed with my MIL's clothes. So our stuff - what we thought we would need for a few weeks - is on a long hanging clothes rack in our bedroom. (Ok, let's be honest - by "our stuff" I mean "my stuff". It's kinda hard to downsize from a walk-in closet to a rack. The hubby's clothes are in a pile on a trunk.)

6. Getting to control the remote. I guess I don't really get to control the remote when it's just the two of us either, but at least I can DVR what I want without worrying about conflicting with everyone else's shows recording and worrying that someone will cancel or delete such important staples as Gossip Girl and Glee.

I am eternally grateful to them for letting us stay with them. Because we have renters in our condo, we are pretty much mortgage and bill-free until we move. But I need my life back!

“You'll see when you move out - it just sort of happens one day, one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.” - Garden State

I should have named this blog "The Soundtrack of My Life"

I've always been all about song lyrics. When people ask about my favorite bands, I have a hard time choosing because I like a lot of songs by a lot of artists. Everything from country to pop to R&B, it doesn't matter as long as it has great lyrics (or sometimes just if it's catchy enough!) So you'll see them throughout my posts because so often the songwriters can convey exactly what I'm thinking or feeling on any given day so much better than I can.

I just came across this one today, and I felt like it was appropriate for the journey I'm on right now, as well as all the other ladies trying to start (or expand) their families.

"Hold On" - Michael Bublé

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones.
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,
but luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend,
and in the end, when life has got you down,
you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around.

So hold on to me tight,
hold on to me tonight.
We are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
So hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart,
but it's no one's fault, no it's not my fault.
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,
but I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see.
I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz it's you and me together,
and baby all we've got is time.
So hold on to me,
hold on to me tonight.

There's so many dreams that we have given up.
Take a look at all we've got,
and with this kind of love,
and what we've got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz we are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
Just hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.
Hold on to me, it's gonna be alright.
Hold on to me tonight.

They always say, we were the lucky ones.

Click for the song - because I don't know how to embed a video :o)

Being a pseudo mommy is hard work!

My niece is the best baby in the world. She is going on 9 months old, and is the happiest child I have ever encountered! She wakes up from naps smiling, and I can count the times I've heard her cry on one hand (well, except when she was first born and colicky).

My mom and I took her to a festival while my sister worked on Saturday, and I have to say that I was suddenly aware of how much work it is to take a baby out in public! First we gathered all of her gear (Does she need to eat before we get back? Has she had her medicine? Where's her jacket?). When we got there we had to figure out how to unfold the stroller. Turns out this is way harder than you might imagine, and we had to call my sister for instructions. (My mom says she wishes she would have been videoing my attempts because it was YouTube worthy.) At that point I also became very aware I am going to need a bigger car when I have my own baby, because there is no way I will be able to fit a stroller in my 2-door hatchback, let alone a carseat. At the festival we had to navigate and off-road through the craft tents that were in the grass, and ultimately I didn't get to enjoy all my usual festival treats because she got a little fussy and fell asleep. So just to confirm, life is more difficult with a baby. But how freaking adorable is she??

On another positive note, my hubby and I got down to some serious baby-making this weekend, and it looks like today could be my ovulation day. I used an ovulation test and while it wasn't positive, it was the first actual noticeable line I've ever gotten! If only I'd taken one yesterday I may have actually seen a +.

Today's lyrics, courtesy of Jimmy Eat World:
"It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright..."

(It's not often that I'm a glass half full kinda girl, so take it while you can get it!)

The calm after the storm

Somehow, amazingly, today I am calm about the baby thing. Last night we found out my sister-in-law is having a girl. I cried because I want a girl and because she got pregnant without trying. And then I had a great conversation with my husband about how it will happen for us and he offered his suggestions for being able to have more sex (turns out he is tired right before bed when I often initiate and thinks we will do much better at other times of the day - that I can do!). And today I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off me.

I wanted to share a website that I have love love loved for a long time - storypeople.com. They have a collection of one-liners that always strike a chord with me. You can order prints, send them as ecards. Some are funny, some make me cry. Here are some of my favorites that ring true today:

Weight Training
"This is a giant block of whatever is most difficult for you to carry & trust me on this, you'll carry it more times than you can count until you decide that's exactly what you want to do most & then it won't weigh a thing anymore."

Mr. Right
"He loved her for almost everything she was & she decided that was enough to let him stay for a very long time."

And one I can't wait to add to my Bump signature and nursery:

Such Small Things
"For a long time there were only your footprints & laughter in our dreams & even from such small things, we knew we could not wait to love you forever."

Happy Friday!

No sex = no baby

I am 99.99% sure I am out this cycle, with two weeks to go before it all starts again. I coerced my husband into sex on Tuesday night, but he wasn't able to "finish"... something that happened last month too. Judging by my basal temps, I probably ovulated either that day or the day after, and we haven't done it since. News flash for those who aren't up on their middle school sex ed: no sex = no baby.

I am really upset. Two months in a row, he has felt pressured and hasn't been able to do it when it matters. It's one thing to have a failed cycle when you're doing everything you can, but I feel like "Why bother?" I'm taking ovulation tests, taking my temperature every morning and trying everything I can to make this successful. But what if this problem continues? It's totally mental on his part, because we had sex twice over the previous weekend with no problems. This is only our second cycle of trying, but I am not sure how to overcome this. I've tried initiating sex not during a fertile time too, but that's not working.

My sister-in-law and brother-in-law find out tonight what the sex of their baby is. We are all living with my inlaws while we wait on our new houses, and I just don't know if I can handle it. She wants me to be pregnant with her (which obviously I want too), and last month she gave me a hopeful, "Any luck this month?" The next month or two are going to result in lots of blue or pink presents and her shower (she wants an outdoor/bonfire shower). And with every moment of joy for her, I am going to have to fight the urge to cry.

So much for the wonderful miracle of making a baby. This sucks.

My ugly green monster

Living with my inlaws is difficult enough (they are awesome, don't get me wrong... it's just not "home") with 6 people and 4 big dogs. But when one of those 6 people is my pregnant sister-in-law, it makes it a little more difficult for me. We are only 2 months into our TTC journey, but this is something we've been thinking and talking about for months. And for me, something I've wanted for as long as I can remember. My SIL got pregnant on birth control. Yep, that's right. One of those. I am extremely happy and excited for them. But at the risk of coming off as a selfish bitch, I am struggling with being so up close with her pregnancy. Thursday they find out the sex of the baby and I am positive I am going to cry. Both out of joy and out of jealousy.

Here's my secret confession: I remember watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 and hearing Kate say she "just knew" conceiving wasn't going to happen easily for her. Opinions on the Gosselins aside, I feel this nagging feeling in the dark corners of my brain that says the same thing: "You're going to have trouble getting pregnant." Maybe it's just the pessimist in me. Maybe not.

My SIL wants me to be pregnant with her, and obviously there is nothing I want more. So for now I'm putting on a happy face and hoping for the best. Come on baby... we're all waiting for you!